Post # 1
Just destressing here, so bear with me!<br /><br />We are having an intimate, evening, adults-only wedding of 30 people, including the bridal party. <br /><br />My FI’s cousin (who my FI hasn’t seen in 15+ years and who lives overseas) has a notoriously high-strung and by the sounds of it, bratty, 6 year old (according to my FMIL). We have already decided we are having a child-free event and neither of us has met the kid or even her monther.
We told him that children aren’t allowed at our venue and that we’d help arrange babysitting (FI’s sister has a child who she actually did not want to bring to the wedding, especially as its a tiny evening affair). He said that’s fine, but later wrote to us and asked if his daughter could be our flower girl! We aren’t having a flowergirl (our venue doesn’t even allow scattering of anything as its a garden) or a ring bearer or any children and this has been made clear to him explicitly!<br /><br />And yet he wrote this; and I quote: Can she come to just the ceremony and not the reception? This would make things easier (note we have offered to arrange babysitting and our ceremony and reception are at the same place). Do you have a flower girl? Maybe she could be your flower girl for the wedding??
Again, we don’t know this child and barely know the cousin and were very explicit that this is an 18-and-over affair. FI told him again that kids aren’t allowed, but I really don’t understand why that’s so hard for people to understand…of all the wedding guests he and his wife will be the ones who are the leasts close to us. <br /><br />Is it crazy of me to think this is a bit rude?
Post # 2
That is beyond rude. I simply do not understand these narcasitic parents.
Post # 3
Their kid may be really hard to handle and they may feel uncomfortable leaving him/her with a sitter for so many hours. No, it’s not OK to bring a difficult kid to an adults only wedding ceremony or reception, but these people are family and are coming to the wedding from ovearseas… You should feel fine sticking to your guns about the even being adults only, but I don’t think your FI’s cousin is necessarily rude. He’s probably just trying to solve a problem that has nothing to do with you guys.
Post # 4
Cordellia: if he pushes again, just uninvite them. People need to learn their freakin children are not special to anyone but themselves and they don’t get special treatment.
Plus if your FI hasn’t seen him in 15 years, why bother?
Post # 5
I guess the part about suggesting she could not only come, but be in the wedding is what got me. I babysat as a teenager all the time, including for many high-strung kids. It comes with the territory.
Post # 6
ohnatto: The part about being a flower girl is the rude part, extremely so. It’s the equivalent of asking if you can be a bridesmaid! Asking if she can just come to the ceremony was forward but not 100% rude, but you should still stick to your guns OP.
Post # 7
Yeah, I mean, I could excuse them for asking to bring her because people get confused over that… But sking her to be the flowergirl was a bit much.
Post # 8
OP, if it helps any, it could be that if he’s from Europe (didn’t know what you meant by “overseas”), children tend to be more of a fixture in weddings over there, so he doesn’t quite understand the formality of an American wedding. Or he’s just desperate for some reason. And he’s a guy, and although I don’t want to ascribe rudeness to all men, wellll…let’s just say it doesn’t shock me that he offered her up as a flower girl–he probably thinks of it as a straightforward solution, not a faux pas.
Either way, are you or your FI close enough to ask him what the problem is? It seems awfully strange that a parent would want their child at the ceremony but not the reception, especially if babysitting were provided and at the same location…Or just politely tell him that it’s pretty cruel to make a child sit through a ceremony (especially if they’re being left out of the party afterwards)! Most wedding ceremonies are not exactly the high-point for kids…
Post # 9
No he’s not from Europe. He’s Australian. I’m actually from Europe.
And FI is not really that close to him…they have only met a few times and the last time they saw each other was 15 years ago. His wife will be the only person at the wedding we have never met and of the people we have met, he will be the least-close. We really invited them as more of a formality–in fact, we just sent an SOD to his mother and he asked to come. It’s nice they can come, but, well…
Post # 10
That is my worst nightmare! I think he was definitely rude and I would be stern with him and explain that it would be extremely awkward for them and everyone else there, not to mention boring, for their child to be the ONLY child at the wedding. It will truly take away from the elegant evening you have planned. Just curious, how do you have an “adult only” wedding without stating it on invites? I am just asking because I am curious how I will handle this for my 40 person elegant evening wedding. Most of the people we know who even have small kids have toddlers or new borns and they best not think to bring them!
Post # 11
abm0611: I didn’t state it on the invites; since a large percentage of our invitees are from overseas so we couldn’t do SASEs, we (OK, I) created a wedding website (on wedding wire) that has an RSVP function and asked guests to RSVP online (rather than make them deal with posting). You then look yourself up by name and click accept or decline. On the RSVP page, I also put something along the lines of “due to the small size of our venue, we regret to inform that we are unable to accommodate extra guests”. (Keeps the random plus-1s away, too). <br /><br /> If you want to go the more traditional route I would suggest only putting guests names and not those of their children on both the invite and the reply card. <br /><br />In this case, he basically wrote to us when his mum got the STD (haha that sounds so wrong) and told us that he and his wife and daughter would be attending. So my darling fiance was lovely enough to write back and diplomaticly and explicitly explain that it was to be an affair sans enfants. <br /><br />Honestly, since you are doing something so small and thus probably know the people you are inviting pretty well, I would just talk to people personally if you think there’s any doubt.
Post # 12
Cordellia: Thanks for the website idea. I think that is the best way to go and the few people I feel comfortable telling in person hopefully will understand. It isn’t that I hate kids, but I just feel like it would genuinely ruin my vision of my wonderful evening wedding lol and I am sure that is how a lot of people feel. I know I went to a wedding last March and granted there were 200 people there, my fiance and I got sat at the one table full of kids! Their parents legit dropped them at the table once we were already there and ate somewhere else the whole evening! We were the youngest couple there and some of the only people without kids so it was really ironic that we got stuck with kids we had nothing in common with. It ruined our evening. They didn’t have seating charts and everyone else at other tables kept “saving” spots so we couldn’t move.
Post # 13
Cordellia: Childfree weddings aren’t hugely popular here in Australia. I went to 8 weddings last year and only 1 requested no children. So it could be a cultural thing. It could also be the fact that they are spending around $6K or more to fly to your wedding and really feel unsure about leaving their child with a stranger in a foreign country. Just trying to give you some understanding of what they might be feeling.
But it is rude of them to ask but getting bent out of shape because someone asks a question is an overaction to me. If it was someone who lived down the street from you I would agree that it is extremely rude but these guests are coming thousands of miles and spending thousands of dollars to attend your wedding. Just stay strong and calm and say that the event is adults only. Then the guest can decide whether they are comfortable enough to come to your wedding without their daughter.
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
Cordellia: It’s not that bad. Just say no in a polite but firm way and that should hopefully be the end of it.
Post # 15
Cordellia: how rude! I would definately not allow this. Who’s to say the parents won’t just say “Oh well, she’s here. She may as well stay for the reception too..” I honestly couldn’t fathom asking this of you, especially after you’ve stated no kids..