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I would definitely talk to your FI and tell him that you were offended by what was said/done while you were there. I'm sure (I hope) his family wasn't trying to be racist at all, and it was probably all just a bad attempt at humor. If they aren't exposed to a lot of people from different cultures, they might be trying to "make jokes" or what not to ease their own uncomfortability...?
Talk to your FI and tell him how you are feeling. Don't accuse, and make sure to start off with "I feel" so he knows that you are not pointing fingers. I'm sure he will understand, and talking about the issue will help. He might even tell his family to lay off the insensitive comments. I hope things get better. I have very racist future in-laws, and it drives me batty. I wish people could just open their minds and hearts!
@SimplyChic11: if he loves you, then he'll listen. true loves knows no bounds.
seriously, though, a marriage, and any serious relationship, is built upon several key factors. One is communication. Without an open communication, your marriage isn't going to be a good one.
So, talk to him, calmly and rationally. Tell him what was said, how it made you feel, and ask about figuring out a solution. That could range from him talking to them about it to you being given permission to correct them any way you see fit. (personally, you're way ahead of me, 'cause I wouldn't have been nice, lol.)
I'm sorry you had to deal with that with his family and I hope it all smooths over quickly with few feathers ruffled. :)
I'm not sure about the KKK book, or what comments they have made to make you feel like they believe only in blonde hair and blue eyed beauties. But I'm very sorry they've made you feel this way.
I will say, I'm white and hispanic and have a very diverse set of friends. Right or wrong in some people's eyes, we all joke with each other about cultural stereotypes (ie by black BM recently told me I don't like watermelon bc I'm white etc). It certainly isn't meant in any way to be racist, although I'm sure some of the comments coming to someone outside of our cirlcles may see it that way.
The joke his brother made is definitely one I could see being said in my group of friends. Does the brother have any hispanic friends? It could be that he does the same as we do with his group of friends and that's why he felt okay? I doubt he meant it to be taken as badly as it has been. He is a jokster in general and just trying to be funny.
I think the best thing you can do is to talk to FI about it. If you're really that uncomfortable with it, I'm sure he'll talk to his brother. Or you could let it slide and next time the brother makes a joke simliar to that, joke on him about something??? Sometimes that friendly ribbing can help bring you closer.
Racism is defined as" profound /global judgement on the bases of race, ethnicity, or skin color, and demonstrated by discriminatory language and behavior." (social justice article)
I am taking a course on Multiculturalism and this is one of the targeted "ism" if you are offended by what is being said than you should mention it let your voice be heard. I know that it is difficult being the fiancee in the family and what will they say.
Or you can opt to show them your family pictures that way they can see that you have siblings from different ethnicities it is when people become aware that they reflect,pause, and think before they act.
As for the project in high school, you were right it was immature children taking a project that was suppose to be educational and informative to another level.
Talk about your family past it is when you share common ground.
Or you could be the jokester as one the bees mention next time say ...
All I could think is that I feel sorry for people raised to think that those kinds of comments are okay. It also makes me so glad that I am part of a family who is not like that. My sister-in-law is latina, I have an Uncle who is Puerto Rican, so cousins who are part that and part white. I have a gay cousin. My brother has Asperger's Syndrome, and a half-brother who is special needs. My sister has dated AA men in the past. My great-grandmother was Jewish. We have so many different cultures represented in our family and we have never, EVER made them feel any less of a person. I was taught to love everyone and to never judge. I was taught from a young age that even though someone may look different than me, they still had red blood and was just as important. I was encouraged to ask questions and to learn about others. I was taught to be accepting of all human life.
I'm sorry that your FI's family is not like this. I know how incredibly blessed I am to have been raised in a family like this, and I know it's a rarity. Just know that your FI must be a very amazing person to be raised in the same atmosphere and to never have had any similar attitudes towards you or other cultures that some of his other family members have. You need to tell FI the comments, that is the only way that any change can happen. Most of the time, people say those things because they don't understand just how truly hurtful they can be, nor have they ever probably been reprimanded for it. Like Ghandi says, "Be the change you want to see in the world."
Thanks for the support/encouragement/advice. It is much appreciated :)
I do agree that they could honestly be joking, but also agree that I do not understand people from this background at all. I pray I DO understand eventually and make some connection with the family that is positive.
SoonToBeeMrsD, what a wonderful outlook your family has! Your mixed family sound a lot like mine and isn't it wonderful? Personally, I love living in a family where everyone looks different because of different parents etc.... it certainly teaches you how to appreciate people.
I just want to say, you have every right to be angry. I'm sorry your FI's family is like that. I don't even understand how a pop-up book showing LYNCHINGS, for god's sake, could be considered "funny." That makes me furious. Lynchings happened to actual human beings, not cartoon characters. @#$**&^@#?$!!!!!
Anyway, I think you should talk to your FI about this. Tell him everything, make it clear you're not blaming him for his family or even rejecting them, but that you need his help in coming to terms with it. It might be very hard for him to hear - people can be extremely defensive when they or people they love are pointed out to have said or done racist things. But if he loves you, he needs to take this seriously.
Update: Did talk to FH about this last night and it went well.... glad I did! I wish things were different with future family but can only hope they do change as time goes on. :/
I'm so glad your talk went well! To me, the most important thing would be to make sure your fiance is always on your side about this. One of the only things worse than experiencing racism is having those experiences dismissed ("oh well, they didn't really mean it," "it's just a joke," etc.).
Mightywombat makes a good point. Also, if the issue of racism comes up again with his family, it's sometimes more effective to tell someone how their actions hurt you personally (ie., it's really painful that you seem to think my fiance has less value because she's Latina) than to tell them, in general, why their actions are wrong.
As someone who comes from a very white background (i.e. I'm white and grew up surrounded by white people - we considered the kids with italian ancestors to be "exotic" at my high school), I want to encourage you in two ways. First, you're right that they don't mean to be hurtful - their insensitive and racist comments and thoughts are bred out of ignorance, not malice. And it's great that you can see that, because not everyone in your shoes would be able to.
Second, for a lot of these people, you are going to be their first real experience with diversity. While it's not necessarily fair, this places a level of responsibility on you - they're probably (on some level) bewildered by you, because you probably don't meet their expected stereotypes. But what an opportunity you have - to show them how wonderful diversity is, how wonderful you are, how beauty is more than what they think it is, etc.
I guess I see it from the perspective of ... this is their circumstance, not their intentional choice, and you have the chance to help them improve that circumstance and broaden their perspective.
Definitely not an easy place to be, but it sounds like your FI is great and supportive, and hopefully together you can show his family what a joy it truly is to embrace diversity in many forms. :)
I agree with some of the previous comments regarding the fact that these people could really just be thinking that they are being funny. However, what may seem "funny" to one group of people may seem "rude" or "derogotary" to others, the latter seeming to be how you have taken it, which is understandable. I personally think that when one gets involved with a community (not just culture but even friendship circles) that you are not use to, it will take time for you to catch up on thier mannerisms and characteristics. It's like vabride2011 said, in a circle of people who are fimiliar with each other, a joke made will be understood between those people, while an outsider may frown upon it. My FH and I are dating for 8 years and up until recently, there were STILL things about the way he handles certain things and different ways of thinking to mine that I discovered because we are from such extreme different races. There are also a lot of things that my family regards as extremely important that his family simply does not. But I can not hold it against them because that is just how they are. But what is important is that my FI has learnt how we "operate" and has adapted and knows how to interpret the way we speak and think because of all the years that he has spent amongst us. Unfortunately I haven't had that opportunity with his family because they are overseas. Perhaps in a few years time one of them will pass a remark and you be able to handle it better than now, simply because you know that person better and what you should or should not take seriously.
Perhaps his high school sister was proud of her little creation and wanted to show you whilst also thinking it might make you laugh. If I understand correctly, the assignment was to make a book about social "issues". To my understanding, an issue is also interpreted as a "debatable concern" and I would certainly deem the KKK as a HUGE problem that needs to be confronted. Although the book had pop-up's etc, what message was she trying to bring across with it? That she was supporting the movement, or that she was bringing awareness in a "humourous" manner that could attract younger people.
Knowing that your FH comes from a background different to yours, you obviously expected to be different and you will therefore feel it in everything they do or say. Which is why it would also be more respectable for them to be careful in the way they speak to you. But at the same time, you want them to feel easy around you and not as though they walking on ice.
I think I should include a little more detail in relation to our talk yesterday. It's clear to us both that this is an issue, not just humor but certainly humor related. :/ His family loves offensive humor.... and I come from a family that can be very funny, but never ever jokes about things people can't change. He said a lot of it comes from his father, who although IS racist to a degree.... is tactful and doesn't say these things in front of me... while siblings are tactless and simply talk how they've been raised. I am very thankful FH takes after his mother's side of the family. I adore my FMIL and her side of the family as, although very English and white culturally, they were loving and accepting of me when I met them.
FH's father looks down on other ethnicities and cultures mostly because he is very European and very religious, our guess is that he simply perceives most other cultures BUT white to be less than ideal or even sinful compared to how he was raised.
I'm sorry but as much as I adore FH, I'm not sure I can live with the knowledge that I am merely an 'exception' to the rule that most other ethnicities as a whole are not as good as being white. :/ It frustrates me and him and I certainly hope we can be the change we hope to see in this family.
I am planning a destination wedding after I graduate university in the spring, one which will take place out of the country with my hispanic extended family. I keep trying to focus on the fact that I will receive a lot of love from FH and his mom and my immediate family, instead of the heartbreak I feel about not wanting these people or ideals to affect my tropical wedding. I have to admit I am nervous about announcing my wedding plans to his family.
Thanks for the encouragement.
It's really sad that in this day and age, you still find racist people who think the white race is superior to others. Its so beautiful when two people from completely different races/cultures look beyond race and cultural differences and fall inlove. But then it is dampened by the ugly stares and comments of people who are narrow-minded and racist. I tend to adopt the "don't care about them" attitude. They must live with the misery of seeing "their" people living open and humble lives. But in your case, it's you FH's family so obviously it won't be that easy to just simply ignore it.
I recommend that you focus on the positive energy you receive from his mother's side of the family. I would also be very proud of your FH given that even though he has grown up around racist people, he is not like that and even went against them by being with someone from another race. That truly reflects a great character and strong personality. He didn't care what they would have to say about it. It's rare that parents negative characteristics do not rub off on their children.
Regarding his father's side, if it gets really bad, I would recommend you or FH confront them about it.
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you are having do deal with this.
With regard to racist comments -- I would definitely agree with PPs that this is something to discuss with your FH. This is NOT an excuse, but I think a lot of times people will choose to ignore an inappropriate comment if they don't think anyone around to hear it would be offended...your FH may be used to letting racist remarks slide, but now that he is marrying you, that has got to stop.
As for ethnic prejudice - like don't all hispanics love baseball -- that is absurd, but at least in our case (I'm white and met DW in a central american country), people say inappropriate ethnically-based things either because they're messing with him (and in DH's case, he finds it funny and gives it as good as he takes it -- if this bothers you, I would include it in your talk with your FI about racist comments so he can talk to his family) or because they're just ignorant despite their best intentions. Like, I wouldn't be surprised if inviting you to a baseball game was their crazy idea of a way to make you comfortable...if that's even partially true, it's a lot like my mom trying to fill gift baskets for our hispanic wedding guests with rice and beans to make them feel at home. Ridiculous? yes. Offensive? yeah, I think so. We spend a lot of time in DH's home country and I have yet to see anyone eat rice and beans there, and I hardly think his relatives went to the trouble and expense of traveling to the USA just to eat imitation latin food. But it wasn't meant to be offensive; it was my mom grasping at straws, not speaking Spanish, wondering what she can do to show DH's family that she supports our union and wants them to be comfortable. And when you look at it that way, it's sort of sweet. I still didn't let her do it (lol), but her heart was in the right place, you know?
As far as our experience over the last three years -- my mom hasn't really learned that much about DH's culture, try as we might to clue her in. Maybe someday she'll come with us to his country and she'll have a better appreciation for what his native country is REALLY like, who knows. But what HAS changed, and what I think you are most interested in, is that she doesn't need to rely on stereotypes like she once did because now she knows and loves DH for the individual he is, not just this one-dimensional caricature of his ethnicity. She knows his favorite foods, what he's interested in, what he values, and they have built a relationship based on that. And through that experience, my mom has learned a lot about stereotyping in general -- when other relatives as what they can have at Thanksgiving for my latin husband, she can tell them that he likes mashed potatoes as much as the next guy. We're not that different.
Again, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this at all. It sucks that it falls on you, but I really do believe that your FH's family is going to learn so much from having you in the family. Racism and prejudice are a lot harder to harbor when you are close to people from different backgrounds -- they will be better for getting close to you.
I'm so glad you had a productive talk with your FH. I had to add one thing, though. A comment I see a lot in discussions of racist jokes is "they didn't mean it to be racist; they were just making a joke" or "they were just doing it to be funny, not to be racist."
RACIST JOKES ARE RACIST. It doesn't matter if it's a joke; it doesn't matter that the purpose is to be funny. If the joke relies on racism/prejudice/stereotypes to be a joke, it may be funny (to some), but it's ALSO RACIST.
I say this as a white person who has fought with my dad so many times over this issue. (And, for good measure, sexist jokes are still sexist.) He thinks that by saying "it's just a joke," he gets a get-out-of-racism-free card. But it doesn't work that way.
Ok, sorry for my little rant. But this is a misconception I see (mainly among white people) all the time, and it makes me insane.
I just wanted to send you a virtual hug and tell you that you are not alone. My FIL "jokes" all the time, callng me a WOP and the foods I eat are "disgusting". He flat out hates black people so much so that he wouldn't hold his new nephew who is half black. He runs rampant with sexist jokes too. How do I deal with it? I tend to ignore him but after reading this thread, I think I will start to voice my unappreciation of his humor. So thank you for posting :)
I agree wholeheartedly.
While it's hard for you to interact with this very "white" family it is also hard for them to interact with their soon to be "not white" daughter/sister in law. It's hard all around for everyone, your FI, your future in laws and you.
I think it's important to remember if these are the first few times you are meeting your soon to be family you have to give them time to acclimate. Things do not change overnight.
But, coming from personal experience people DO change.
I'm sure you're a good person that loves your Fi and you two are good for each other. If that's the case they will realize that soon and love you because of that and see beyond the colors of our skins.
I was lucky in that my husband's family accepted and loved me from day one with no questions. Even his 80yr old Irish/English grandmother never batted a eye and loved me like a granddaughter! My husband, however, was not as lucky and it took time for my family to see beyond the cloud covering their eyes. Due to that we waited years to get engaged and I'm glad we did because on our wedding day everyone was truly happy for us and I know that they were happy to welcome my husband into our family.
As an aside I'm shocked you've never experienced racism before. Lucky you! I'm Chinese and have seen racism from whites, Latinos, African Americans and even other Asians.
To this day my husband (german/irish) and i still get looks from people whether it be in upstate NY, NYC or Europe.
People ARE racist and until confronted with the issue within their own homes they will NOT change.
@mightywombat: good points -- I don't think racism should ever be tolerated, but just because OP asked about what is racist and what isn't, I feel obliged to point out that while I think she is well within her right to be offended by all of the points she brought up, not all of them are technically racist. Prejudiced and inappropriate? ABSOLUTELY. But comments like "all hispanic people love baseball" don't invoke race, as 'hispanic' is an ethnic distinction and not a racial one.
Not to say that ethnic prejudice doesn't have the potential to be just as offensive as racial prejudice -- surely we can all think of ethnic slurs that are just as offensive as racial ones. And if the comes from a place of malice, I think it's splitting hairs to even make a distinction between the two -- hate is hate no matter what you call it. But I do think it makes a difference otherwise. If someone thinks that they know who you are based on your cultural background - what you like to eat, what you do for fun - that's ignorant and stupid but not hopeless. If they truly believe that some people are simply born inferior based on their race (even if they disguise that argument as 'different'), that is really problematic...a way less tractable problem than someone making assumptions about how you or other people are based on your/their culture.
Unfortunately, it sounds like OP is dealing with both problems :( It seems like lots of people on these boards have decided to endure racist in-laws for the sake of their relationship, but since she is struggling with that I feel like it may be helpful to categorize the negative behavior and evaluate it in terms of what is actually a racial value judgment vs wrong notions about her culture that can be more easily corrected.
@Just_Squeeze: Your fiance hates black people, huh? Great. My future babies will be half black and hearing that he wouldn't even hold his nephew is pretty disgusting to me. I know that it's not your fault that he is the way he is, but let me tell you now- actions like his are hurtful beyond what you could ever understand. Please don't be a part of that. If it actually does bother you, than you need to stand up to him and his gross behavior. Good luck.
No! No! No! I would never have married him if I were talking about my FI. I wrote FIL as in father-in-law!
ETA: You're right. It is disgusting. I am not a fan of FIL in the least!
Not her FI/Fiance. Her FIL/father in law.
ETA:we posted at the same time! :D
I think if you ignore the issue, and just stop wanting to go see his family all the time, he'll notice something nd it may cause bigger issues in your lrelationship in the long run. I am a black hispanic, and I mainly only dated guys outside of my race I can COMPLETELY understand. I dated an Indian guy whose father refused to talk to me. IN the 2 years I dated him his father said hi to me ONE TIME. His father was really racist though, and my BF would tell me comments his father woudl say about black people all the time. When I dated a PR guy, his mother would call me ocurita, and would ask me if I knew what it meant, and I was like YEAH.. I'm 1/2 CUBAN. I can understand about not feeling pretty, my bigger round butt was made fun off, and even at 5'4" I always looked too big and muscular in HS next to the 4'11" 90 lb italian girls I went to school with. Throughout my years, I began to become comfortable wiith the "You're really pretty for a black girl" comment and moved on.
Its funny, my current FI's family is the complete opposite. Almost all of their friends are in interracial relationships. So when its Thanksgiving, they are the minority being an all white couple. Its the first time, I;m not made to feel inadequate due to my race.
Nevertheless, my FI is very big on crass humor, and I've had to tell him when certain things he says bother me, and he respects that. I'm sure your FI would do the same. I think in general people (especially people who live in areas that aren't diverse) don't really understand what offends people of otehr races. If you bring it up in a way that you're not attacking, but yet saying how it makes you feel, and why you're uncomfortable, it should go well.
I hope that helps... sorry for the long response. I coudl go on FOREVER on this topic.
@mightywombat: I agree with you 100% Its easy for non-minorities, or someone who hasnt experienced racism first hand, to say that its just a joke or it wasnt meant to be racist, but that doesnt take away the sting. And just because people make racist comments or jokes to their minority friends who dont say anything, doesnt mean its ok.
@SimplyChic11: Im glad you spoke up to FI about it. If those are things they said the first few times they met you, imagine how it could get when they get more confortable with you. But by your FI telling them their actions were not ok, hopefully they take the time to really to know you and see you as a person and not a sterotype.
I'm glad you had a good talk. Yeah, to the bro in law....yes, ppl can be misinformed, but we're in 2011, not 1950. There's NO excuse for ppl to not know anything. If they don't, it's because they chose NOT to. Seriously.
I hope your future children are okay. If they say that to you, I don't want to know what they will say about a child. Know something? My cousin's wife is hispanic and we have NEVER,EVER called her anything dealing with her race or made stereotypical comments.
@Just_Squeeze: Oh, thank goodness! Guess I'll read a little closer next time.
Didn't realize more people had responded to this! Thanks for the encouragement/advice. I really appreciate it and it helps me feel like it's okay to feel the way I do.
Update:
Just came back from spending a long weekend with FI's family... this is the first time his family met mine. So far I think that his parents will be no problem to us. They are sweet people and I was glad to see them at least TRY to understand my family although they are different.
FBIL..... still praying for him to change. He and my 2 FSIL's are simply ignorant. I STILL don't feel welcome when they are around and our wedding is four months away. I think the hardest part is feeling completely misunderstood. There was more drama this past month when FMIL called FI and said that his siblings thought I 'hated' them when I would be super quiet or go outside or something and not hang out with them. Little did they know their comments and the way they treated me made me feel really awkward. Thankfully they realize now that I was simply not feeling well, or just felt out of place.It's a little hurtful they would jump to this conclusion after meeting me multiple times and me trying really hard to be extra polite and happy in their presence, even with all the off-color comments around me. I feel as though I'm acting a lot around these people.... I really wish I could feel happy or honestly LIKE them instead of pretending to for FI's sake.
Commenting on something I read above in a post.... I don't understand either. Why is it that some people can have friends in bi-racial relationships or marriages and never say a word until it's someone in their own family?
Going that far up north into pure 'white' country is hard for me and a bit of a culture shock! FI is aware of this and I am trying to fit in... but I honestly don't think I ever will. I'm always horribly homesick for color and life and music when I'm with his family.
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Semi-rant....
My FH is from the North and I love him dearly, I am latina.... so meeting the family and staying with them for a couple of weeks was a culture shock to me. I need to know if my feelings are really justifiable about my stay....
I know his family loves me and they are kind people, more than civil to me in my stay... but I don't know whether some comments I've recieved are racist or just plain insensitive. My family is mixed as it is and I even have a beautiful African American sister by adoption. My very first night in the house I was shown a 'funny' book my FH's high school sister made. Their school assignment was to make a book about a social issue and they made one on the KKK.... but she made it pop up book style. Complete with lynching and marker pictures of racism. I was HIGHLY offended and told my guy later. He did apologize for the actions and I only forgot about the incident because 1. she is in high school and i don't expect a lot of maturity out of a 'funny' project and 2. his immediate family has never met my family, so they don't know culturally how this book would affect me.
This was the first night. Over my next few travels up north with my fiance things got little better. Yes, I encountered some sweet, wonderful people although their very white culture is different from mine. I met a lot of aunts and uncles I am excited to be related to. However.. I was still bugged by the few comments and incidents I received during my stay.
His brother chiding me after I said I'd rather not go to a baseball game due to the heat.... this guy actually told me quite seriously, "don't all hispanics love baseball?" Mildly miffed at this. FH had no idea since I didn't bring it up. This guy also made comments against AA people and 'nappy hair'.
I also encountered extended family who STILL have the Hitler-approved idea that beauty is defined by white features and blonde hair/blue eyes etc. Here I am brown as anything and have these relatives compliment me on my teeth... as if that's the only thing nice they can say about my FH marrying me! :/
I am blessed to have an incredibly supportive man in my life who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful... but I admit to you all that I don't FEEL beautiful when I am with his very white family. I feel like I am constantly wishing I fit in better than I do now.
I am afraid to say all this to my fiance, thinking that he adores his family and if I say anything bad about them it may turn his heart from me. But this really is the reason I hate visiting them. Not the family itself.... but the comments and way I've felt treated when I am up there.
:( I've never experienced racism before... I don't even know if this IS racist.... but I do know it's making the transition into a new family harder than it has to be.