Post # 1
So I have an issue, I know it sounds terrible but I cannot stand my FIL’s. I will quickly list the few main reasons so you can see the kind of people they are:
They are racist and openly say that they do not want fh’s sister with a black man, and as her partner is black he is not allowed in their house. They even went as far as to say his sister had to pretend her partner was the plumber when her little brothers went round to her place as they didn’t want them to think being with a black person is okay.
Secondly their step Dad used to beat up his sister and I have zero tolerance for violence.
Thirdly the step Dad is an absolute pig and fh’s Mum uses him as an excuse for her own disgusting behaviour, I used to think she was scared of him so just allowed it but after seeing her behaviour towards fh she is no better. They talk to us like we are a piece of crap, no respect,nothing. When we told them we were getting married his Mum didn’t even get out of her chair to congratulate us and just laughed at us for how far away it was (a year and a half at the time). His step Dad has made me cry every time I have seen him because he goes out of his way to humiliate me or be rude to me in front of other guests or family members. His favorite trick is to pretend he cannot hear me when I am trying to talk to him. Last year he actually started telling people he had never met me and just because I have been to his home doesn’t mean he has met me.
My issue now is that fh wants me to change my wedding dates so they can come to the reception too which I am unhappy to do as I don’t even want them there in the first place. I am only allowing them to come to the ceremony as I can just about stomach them for a couple hours and as our reception is on a different day I am not inviting them to it, they will not know anything about it. Fh is creating a fuss about inviting them to the reception and saying we need to change the date to suit them, am I being selfish in putting my foot down and saying they can only come to the ceremony? I seriously cannot stand these people and I have been spat at every time I have tried to be nice to them, on some days when they have annoyed fh he tells me he agrees with me and that he doesn’t want them there either and other times he feels guilty and says he wants them there. What would you do?
Post # 3
@LunaFleurLavender: I’m sorry, but if my in-laws were THAT rude to me and he didn’t say anything to them would be a huge red flag. He should be sticking up for you 100%. I understand that they are his parents but YOU are going to be his wife. You need to have a serious discussion with him about this. His step dad treating you like that is sad an pathetic and I wouldn’t want them at the reception. However, what is the difference if they are at the ceremony but not the reception? I wouldn’t wathat hen at either were I you but I don’t understand why they can come to one but not the other?
Post # 4
they sound special…but they are his family and this is his wedding too. I’m sorry, but I think it’s up to him. If he want s them there, then they should be invited.
Post # 5
Eek. I think I wouldn’t marry into a family like that, especially if your FI doesn’t stick up for you. It’s only going to get worse. In answer to your question, I don’t think you are being selfish and if your FI can’t see that…whoa.
Post # 6
I disagree with those saying that they’re his parents and they should be invited. Their behavior toward you is repeatedly rude and disrespectful. But more pressing than that – and I can’t imagine your fiance is somehow unaware of this – is that you have a partner who won’t speak up to them and won’t challenge them. I get the impression your fiance’s sister also went along with the “He’s the plumber!” routine? That’s a serious inability to stand up to parents right there. And the fact that your fiance is pressing so hard for this leads me to believe he’s just the same.
He can’t have it both ways. Think long and hard about your future, OP. You can’t change people. And sure, someday long on down the road they *may* come around a little bit if/when you have kids. But realistically, you will likely spend your whole life being shushed, silenced and pushed aside, and your husband will stand right there and say nothing about it. That’s a very shaky foundation for a marriage, and a very unhappy future for you.
Please reconsider this. They don’t have to be thrilled about you, but being civil and respectful is a must.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
We have a way of loving the most messed up people sometimes. Your FI obviously loves them so I think the right thing to do would be to support your FI, you dont want him to resent you for keeping his parents away.
At the same time, I would tell FI that although I am moving the date to support you, you need to support me in the same way and stop letting ur family talk bad about me. You husband is supposed to stand up for you, he needs to start!!! Id be cautious about whether hes ready to be a husband if he couldnt
Post # 8
I will just clarify that the reason fh doesn’t protest as much as he should is because his family can be very malicious, they are leaving the country in a few months and they stopped his sister from seeing their younger brothers before and fh is worried that if things kick off they will do the same thing to him and he would be heart broken if he couldn’t see his younger brothers before they leave to live abroad. We do not see them through our agreed choice as I made the decision over a year ago to not be in their company as they are so offensive and that has worked pretty well as I haven’t had to deal with their crap, although I frequently hear about it from his sister and fh. I know that he just wants to keep things civil until they leave the country and we won’t have to see them at all which although it pisses me off I understand it. So it only is really a few more months to stay civil, and that is purely for the sake of not being banned from seeing his younger brothers.
Our reception and ceremony will be on two different days, the day of the ceremony will literally be a couple of hours and then we are leaving straight for our honeymoon, I can just about deal with them for a couple hours but I do NOT want them around me for 6+ hours possibly upsetting guests or us.
Post # 9
The troublemaker inside me wants to tell you to move the date, invite them and have your SIL’s partner MC, but I don’t see that making your situation any better.
However, if they’re that completely toxic and ridiculous, you’re a better person than me for even agreeing to have them at the ceremony. I understand exactly what you’re saying about your fiance not wanting to rock the boat for fear of losing touch with his brothers, but I really agree with the previous posts that say he needs to stick up for you… and if she doesn’t already, I think your SIL needs to stick up for her partner. Someone has to tell these people that what they’re doing is not OK.