Post # 1
I hate my FILs. A LOT. I try and pretend I like them but I hate them. They rub me the wrong way.
But their manners and the way they interact with FH is upsetting. Every time they call he gets tense. FH is so even tempered, the only time I see him wound up is when he is around them he is a completely different (for the worse) person. They just call to nag him and demand he do things for them.
They are manipulative and they are using parent guilt tripping on FH. They have convinced him that he doesn’t want a house that HE DID WANT. He loved it. Then they didn’t. So they convinced FH that it sucked. It didn’t suck y’all!
They are always making him come home on the weekends (they live 100 mi away) and spend the night like a little baby and do chores there.
UMM hello? Both his siblings (in their late twenties) still live there and are completely able bodied! I don’t understand why they can’t do it! Some of his parents errands are stupid, why the heck does my FH need to drive all the way over there for them to go grocery shopping???? They have perfectly good cars and they all drive! WTH!!!
We are trying to plan a wedding and we can’t because his parents are weighing him down with random stuff.
Their relationship is tense at best and they are always trying to guilt him into doing things that they could easily do themselves. We are THIRTY and they aren’t old enough to require THIS much attention.
Post # 3
@bigfatbrattheworstpersonever: Your FI sounds like he needs to stand up to his parents. Like you said, he’s 30. He should be able to tell his parents no. The first couple of times will be tense and possible ugly but over time his parents will get the message.
Post # 4
I agree, he needs to tell them straight that he cannot come on their every beck and call…
Post # 5
@bigfatbrattheworstpersonever: LOL! I dislike mine too. You should Tell your FI how much this bothers you and that he needs to tell them enough is enough.
Post # 6
Oh my God; reading your post it sounds almost EXACTLY the same as my in-laws, except mine live 5 mins away. The constant errands and projects are endless. Everytime we go over there to do something for them there is something else that needs to be done. Projects on top of projects on top of everyday errands.
No joke, grocery shopping twice a week, newspapers delivered daily, mowing lawns every two weeks, alcohol every two days, bread every two days, put the lottery tickets on every week and THEN all the projects on top of that…..it’s endless. My FMIL then says why don’t you guys come over just for a visit when your not having to work around here?? How can we possibly come and visit when you have us doing sooooo much. No chance in hell am I going there more than I already am. My poor FI, they take so much advantage of his good nature. Not to mention all the damn criticism – apparently we are living our lives wrong as well!
Post # 7
That sounds a crazy case of family co-dependency. It must be hard to be in a functional relationship when his parents weigh so much on your FH – I’m in agreeance with many of the above replies – he needs to stand up to them.
Coming from a biiiiig family I know that at times things can get messy & ugly and words can be said that aren’t meant, but it’s for the best. Besides, this is best for your sanity, and if he doesn’t say something now it will only blow up later when you both can’t handle it anymore.
Post # 8
It sounds like the problem isn’t your FIL, it’s your SO. He needs to set boundaries and learn to say no. You should tell him how this is impacting your relationship.
Post # 9
Ugh, my FI’s family was very similar. There were a lot of even worse things going on that caused him to have to cut off his parents, but he was expected to do all the chores around there – even when I was a “new” girlfriend, I was never treated as a guest. Not once. I would help him do chores and bend over backwards (especially when FBIL and his wife were coming to visit… wtf?)
Since there were other issues it was clear that he had to cut them off. However, before that came to be, FI did stand up to his parents and say that this was ridiculous. I think it irritated him because 1. I was there and 2. he was coming over to visit his nieces (his sister and nieces were living with his parents at the time) but never got to spend time with them.
Your FI really needs to stand up to them! They are totally crossing major boundaries…
Post # 10
@bigfatbrattheworstpersonever: Your fiance needs to stand up to his parents and break the apron strings. I can appreciate wanting to do for others, but not if they expect it constantly and are perfectly able to do it themselves and act selfish. They obviously can’t seem to realize that he needs to ‘leave the nest’ so to speak. He is going to have to start being unavailable to them more often. I understand it’s aggravating to deal with, but he has to do it on his own. Just be there to support him when they decide to go nuclear on him and start accusing him of being a bad son, ungrateful, etc. because that’s exactly the crap they’re going to start slinging once he starts standing up to them. Good luck!
Post # 11
it sounds like the bigger problem is your fiances inability to stand up to them. He is a grown man he needs to stop letting them boss him around. I would be so frustrated if I was you but the real change needs to start with your fiance setting boundaries and flat out not taking them treating him like a child anymore.
Post # 12
He is a grown man and lives 100 miles away from them. They can’t make him do anything, he is choosing to do it. I really encourage him to maybe do some counseling regarding his family dynamics and set some boundaries. The problem isn’t the FIL’s, it is how your FI reacts to their demands.
When you guys are married and want to buy a home, are they going to talk him out of what you guys love and then you are stuck? I understand that there is some major dysfunction going on here, and they sound pretty toxic, but nothing will change until he makes it happen. Some good counseling can do wonders. I have toxic people in my family too and they no longer bother or affect me because I worked hard to stop all of that. I really hope your FI does the same. Best of luck to you both.
Post # 13
This isn’t an in-law issue, it’s a FI issue. He is a grown man. He needs to set some boundaries.
Post # 14
It sounds like to me that instead of expanding so much enjery on haiting your inlaws and place a lot of blame on your Fi.
They sound annoyng but to say you hate them over petty issues seem over the top. Your Fh is a grown man perhaps it’s time he start acting like it. My parents haven’t always agreed with my choices, when I listen to their advice keep the one I want and throw out the others.Your Fh has a choice and he needs to grow a backbone.
You need to realize that your Fh is an adult and he is the issue here. If he changed his mind about buying a house that is on him not his parents. Your beef should be with him and his behavior.
Post # 15
I TOTALLY AGREE with you guys! I know he needs to stand up to them! I KNOW THAT!!!!
We are Korean but his family is VERY traditional and mine is not. I am 4th generation but his parents immigrated here from Korea so they expect a lot from him bc he is their oldest son. We can’t cut ties that easily.
Our biggest problem is that they are holding the downpayment for our house hostage. If he doesn’t do what they want they won’t release his inheritance for our house. Without it we don’t have enough and we are in the middle of negotiating with a seller. I’m so frustrated but he doesn’t want to be a bad son and has aLOT of guilt.
And I REALLY AM upset with him too! But it’s getting to the point where it’s almost sad.
We both feel rather defeated when it comes to dealing with his parents.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Any suggestions on how to become more immune to abrasive parents/inlaws??
Post # 16
@bigfatbrattheworstpersonever: OMG! My FH and I are having a similar problem (with the house at least). My FILs are helping us with our house but only if they get to chose it. I broke down the other day and cried because we all want such different things. As for advice, I just try to stay away from mine. I definitely don’t hate them but we don’t “click”. It’s just easier for me if I keep my distance and take them in small doses and smile politely.
Good luck hon!