Post # 1
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
Okay ladies, I need some sympathetic ears, because I’m in shock over the conversation I just had with my mother.
We’ve been discussing venues/catering and I have found one that I love that is a great (GREAT) price and that I am so excited about, but my mom isn’t sure about it and she thinks it’s too much money. The only reference she has for wedding costs is what was spent on my sisters wedding over 14 years ago, and they literally didn’t spend ANYTHING. They had it at their church, no real catering, no dancing, a friend did the cake/flowers, etc.
Anyways, FI and I want a small wedding (around 100) and we have a very strong vision of what we want for our day. When I was talking to my mom a few minutes ago she said that she doesn’t understand why we don’t want to invite more people, because “the more people you have there the more presents you will get”. Really?!?! She actually told me that the wedding is only a day and it won’t last forever, but the presents will.
Am I nuts, or is that seriously offensive to anyone else? I assured her that no, we really don’t care about the presents and that our wedding day is what really matters to us. Ugh! I don’t know how to deal with this woman – she drives me crazy! Please – tell me if I’m being irrational, but I just don’t understand how she can not comprehend that we care more about GETTING MARRIED than getting presents!
Post # 3
This is offensive to me!! I can’t stand when people say that…people act the same way becaues we are having a destination wedding.
I say the same thing when people say something about a shower…I’m an encore bride and don’t feel comfortable with a shower. But the PRESENTS they say. UGH! I feel ya!!
Post # 4
I’m sorry your mom has that view. She is probably only thinking that she wants you guys to start out comfortable, with everything you need. I would just explain tot hem that the celebration and witnessing of your union is more important than the gifts you receive and leave it at that. You don’t have to explain yourself further. It’s your guest list!
Sometimes its difficult for parents to move into this century…I know every in my fmaily experienced some major wedding sticker shock, and unfamiliarity with wedding trends or that fact that I just wanted to my own thing and not plan my wedding to be like everyone else’s. Stick to your vision for the wedding, and things will work out!
Post # 5
A wedding is about celebrating your love and commitment to one another with friends and family. There are plenty of other times in your life you will receive presents.
I’m sorry your Mom has it mixed up. Maybe you should give her a comparison of the venues you’ve looked at and their pricing. Sometimes people have no clue about wedding costs because they haven’t been around one or planned one. Are your parents paying for the wedding?
Post # 6
I kinda just laughed…cause that’s sounds like my MOM! Moms are just old school I guess, they don’t know any better sometimes and you just gotta tell them straight up. They don’t take into acct how much more people will cost (especially if the couple is paying for everything). I just brush her off! I still love her though!
Post # 7
You are not being irrational. I’m finding everyone has their own idea of what a wedding is (or what they want to get out of it). Your mother equates a big party with getting presents. That’s certainly not what you are striving for. She will likely balk at the idea of your guest list AND compare costs with your sister. If your mom is footing the bill, I’d ask her for your budget and then move forward making plans with it. Keep her in the loop, so there are no huge surprised for her, but brace yourself for continued contrary feedback. I think it would also be worth revisiting a conversation about how you’ve thought through this day for some time now and you have a clear vision of what you plan to do. My family is second guessing my ever move. At first I was totally offended – and then I realized, they haven’t been living inside my 24/7 wedding planning head and I need to communicate with them my thoughts (so they are on the same page)… dare to dream, right?
Good luck with your mom. Keep reminding yourself to not deter from what you and your FI want for your wedding day – or else, you could end up resenting your mom for it.
Post # 8
i fell ya. my nutty family was upset that i limited the guest list (and hubby and I were paying for everything). people kept saying – oh, you’ll end up getting back what you spend. obviously, lots of people hve no idea how much a wedding costs. i guess that’s why im confused…does you mother get that more people = more money? if she’s hesitant about the prices youve already run by her, why is she trying to add MORE people?
Post # 9
Yah a lot of parents are old school… her logic really did make sense back in the day! Weddings weren’t nearly as personal and they were a lot closer to free/cheap, so her math on the presents makes more sense too.
The times have certainly been a’changin’!
Post # 10
Haha! Sorry, I shouldn’t laugh. My FMIL said the exact same thing a couple of months ago. We are already pretty well established (have lived together 4+ years) and the presents are certainly not an issue. That being said, we are still registering for a few odds and ends (things that would be nice to have for the kitchen, etc) but we are certainly not ‘banking’ on it. I am with you on this one – just tell her it’s your and FI’s wedding, you will have the caterer/florist/etc you want, and that it’s about the marriage and not the wedding. 🙂 Good Luck!
Post # 11
It’s actually hilarious. But have the wedding you want. I am sorry if she offended. Good luck!
Post # 12
I wouldn’t let that bother you. Some people just view weddings differently….we were actually told to invite ‘Mr and Mrs SoandSo’ because they ‘won’t come but they will send an expensive gift anyways’. Some people just have different views about why or why not you should invite a lot of ppl, or ppl you are not close to.
some people even view gift giving very different…..for example I hear a lot of brides on this website say they don’t care if no one brings a gift. But I would personally be offended if a lot of ppl showed up sans gift. For me it’s not about the expense of the gift or the need to get a lot of them (we are having a smallish wedding) but the fact that I would never dream of atteding a wedding where someone was spending hundreds of dollars on my food and entertainment without bringing at least a small token of appreciation, and for the new couple to start their life together.
Post # 13
Oh goodness, that is actually funny =]. This is something my husband said when I crabbed about our guest list–he said “hey at least we’ll get some nice gifts, right?”
It’s just reality I guess. I was told to invite some family members I haven’t seen before (dad’s side) because he said, “well, they won’t come, they’ll appreciate the courtesy, and I bet they’ll send you a check”
Hey we were paying for the wedding ourselves so every little bit counted! Whatever, no biggee, they might’ve been offended if we didn’t invite them!
Post # 14
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
Haha thanks for all the sympathy/advice, guys! I think one of the reasons it offended me the most was the of all people, my mom should understand that gifts aren’t what matter – about 17 years ago my parents’ house was struck by lightning and burned to the ground – they lost ALL of their wedding gifts and material possessions, and all we had was each other. It just frustrates me that she didn’t learn a lesson from that!
They are paying for things, so it’s difficult for me to be too assertive on what I want…but I’m trying my best to communicate my ideas without making her upset. It’s just frustrating that she’s asking me to cut back on the day I’ve been dreaming about my whole life (yes, I was one of those girls, haha!) just for a couple of waffle irons or something – haha. I can definitely laugh about it now but I was very upset this morning! Hopefully things will end up working out.
Post # 15
Sorry to hear that you mom has that view…but it’s a good thing to hear that your FI and you know exactly what you want out of your wedding. As long as you stick together on it, and stand your ground, hopefully your mom will come around in time.
Keep your chin up and stand firm. You’ll be glad you did later.
Post # 16
Oh, goodness! I would be so tempted to have a bit of fun, and say to her ‘you know, actually, we’ve been thinking about it and we’ve decided that we’re going to ask people not to give us any presents, but to make a donation to our favourite charity instead.’
I know, a little bit evil, but fun!