Post # 1
So my FI and I are in the list-making process. Our venue only holds max 120 people, which is fine for us. However, I just saw his dad’s list of 25 people!! To me that seems a bit excessive, especially for someone who hasn’t yet contributed to the wedding financially or shown the slightest bit of interest outside of what friends he’s bringing.
Oh! And he’s inviting himself with a +1…from what my FI and I know, he’s not dating anyone and if he is, WE certainly don’t know her! Not to mention, we’re not even inviting everyone w/ a +1, only those who are serious relationships or are traveling from a distance.
Am I right to be livid over this??? He has been dangling a carrot of promised money in front of my FI, but I don’t believe he’ll come through (ironically, he’s extremely well off and my FI is his only child.) He has failed my FI his whole life and I feel like that is just another empty promise, so I’m going ahead with the thought that he is not contributing.
That said, I don’t feel it’s right he should be inviting 25 people…and this isn’t even family. They’re all his close friends and colleagues!
*sigh* How would/did some of you deal with something like this?
Post # 3
@BurlapnLace: It s a tough situation. Your FI definitely needs to be the one to talk to him. But the two of you need to sit down and decide how many guests he will be allowed. My parents had a tough time with this too, but especially since he isn’t contributing financially he really doesn’t get a say in the guest list. We had a rule that if both of us hadn’t met someone our parents wanted to invite, they weren’t on the list.
Post # 4
Well a promise means nothing and since he hasnt come thru with any funds I say dont count on it. I think you and your FI should discuss the # of people you both feel is ok for FFIL to invite based off of what you two can afford, no more. So if that cuts down the # of people he is allowed to 5 or 10 then so be it. This is about what you two want, not what someone who has been MIA his whole life desires.
Post # 5
@BurlapnLace: If the two of you are paying for the wedding, then you simply tell him his allotted number of guests.
Although it can be intimidating to deal with parents, you are adults and need to be able to assertively deal with this right off the bat. Delaying will only make it worse.
Post # 6
@julies1949: Our mothers have both contributed and they both have a very small, reasonable list of people. I just asked my FI if he thought it was appropriate for his father to invite that many people. I’ll be interested to see what he says.
Post # 7
@BurlapnLace: I think personally that a FFIL should get a +1 (as a parent). But that is up to you and your FI. However, you and your FI have absolute final say on the guest list, especially if FFIL is not contributing, and so your FI would have to just tell him how many people FFIL can invite and let FFIL make the cuts or that you and your FI will have to do it (but giving FFIL the option first of making some cuts – let’s say you and FI agree he can invite 8 people – then tell FFIL, if he won’t do it then you will have to).
Post # 8
I wouldn’t ask for a guest list without giving some kind of limit, maybe he thought that was a pretty small amount of people if he has a large social network. I would see how your FI responds and then have him talk to his dad about cuttting some people of, give him an idea of how many people you are thinking when they have this conversation.
Post # 9
@BurlapnLace: Im sorry youre going through this stress.
Your FI has to be the one to talk to him. I think the best way to handle it without starting a huge thing would be for your FI to tell him you guys are trying your best to stick to a budget, and you’re also aiming for a slightly more ‘intimate’ feel at your wedding, and having 25 of his friends that you dont know doesnt achieve that…he should tell him to please consider trimming down his list, and if he feels he absolutely needs his friends there, he is welcome to do so, but he will have to pay for them.
I know the idea of saying this to his father may be intimidating to your FI, but look at it this way: its either an uncomfortable situation, or hundreds/thousands of dollars extra for all of his guests because you guys were too scared to say something.
Not worh it in my opinion.
Post # 10
My FMIL did something simliar – she had a request list of 20+ people, at a wedding where we were shooting for 80 total (now it’s a bit more people but still)
She, also, has said she would pay for things (photography, the honeymoon) but isn’t really coming through at all with that – hasn’t even mentioned it since she brought it up a year ago.
So we told her “Sorry – we can’t accomodate that at all” and FI sat down and cut out everyone who he hadn’t spoken to in a long time, two (out of 5!) of her bosses, and everyone’s kids who we don’t know.
She as disappointed but really she had no reason to argue with our choice.
Despite her promised money, we are paying for this wedding so we dictate the guest list.
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
You need to give him a limit. We had about 120 people, and gave each family 25, and DH and I each had 35 for our friends.
Does FI know any of these people/are they important in *his* life? DH and I agreed up front that we would only have people at the wedding whom one of us had met before (a guest’s SO would be an exception.)
Agreed with PP that FI has to be the one to deal with his Dad on this. “Dad, we just don’t have the budget/space to accommodate that number of people. We can give you XX invites.”
Post # 12
Well thankfully, my FI just responded saying if when all is said and done and we need to cut, his list will be the first to go. At least we’re on the same page there. We’re still quite a ways away from the wedding so the list will change I’m sure.
Still…I think it’s rude as hellllll!!!
Post # 13
Well, he can make a list as long as he likes but you guys have absolute control in the end. Make your own list first and then when you know how many extra seats there are, you can tell him to cut his list down.
Post # 14
Yeah. What I need to do is clear, I was so pissed off I think I was just ranting more than anything!! 🙂
Post # 15
That’s a tough one! Does his list overlap with yours? WHen I got FMIL’s preliminary list, I thought it was long! But then I realized she put people (herself and FFIL, SIL, the grandparents) that I had of course already included. Hopefully he doesn’t think your wedding will be 25% his personal friends.
Post # 16
He sounds like my dad. I know how your FI feels. Tell him he is invited and a plus 1 and that’s it. That you don’t have capacity for 25 of his guests as that would be 145 and the venue holds 120. Make sure he knows that your list equals to the max the venue holds and it’s just not possible to add 25 people to the list.