Rant: Future husband = future hoarder

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
3011 posts
Sugar bee

@lampshade:  why why why??? My SO’s aunt always does this and he never says no thank you. It’s all junk and garbage! So annoying. 

Post # 4
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@lampshade:  Plastic dish/dispensers aren’t ideal for cats (they can harbor bacteria.) So that’s an excuse there, not that you don’t already have a reasonable one (not wanting the dog to eat all the food.) Anyway, what you need is a plan of defense you can stick with. Something like, “Sorry, our place is packed full of stuff already. We literally can’t fit anything else and still have room for us.” Rinse, repeat.

Post # 5
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Why don’t you just throw it out?  Or donate it?

Post # 7
Member
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Throw it away (or donate it) immediately. As soon as you start seeing stuff, it goes in the trash. HOPEFULLY she’ll get the hint. Or ask her if she needs help cleaning out her place.

Post # 8
Member
5087 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

@lampshade:  I feel your pain, my Fmil is always bringing over stuff she doesn’t want but won’t throw away. We live in a tiny flat and he never throws things away! It’s a really long process to change how he thinks about stuff. She’s made him feel so guilty to chuck things away. 

I’ve gotten so fed up, I’ve threatened to hire a skip and just chuck it all! 

Post # 9
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

If he won’t throw it out then you dispose of unwanted donations immediately. Don’t leave it to your FH if he just hangs onto it. Hoarding is an illness and just telling someone to stop giving you this sort of rubbish rarely gets you anywhere because there are deep seated reasons why people horde. Reasons that they often don’t understand themselves without help.

But provided your FH is happy to get rid of this tide of crud (if not you need to find out why) then take charge yourself. Otherwise you’ll find your apartment turning into a permanent waste transfer station.

Post # 10
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@lampshade:  It sounds like you can’t control FH’s relationship with his mom. I would focus on what you find acceptable in your OWN home. “FH, it’s not okay for you to bring this stuff into our home. If you can’t say no to your mom, put the stuff directly into your car (or my car) and you/I can take it to the GoodWill drop off (or the dump, or wherever.)”

Post # 11
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Steampunkbride:  This is my feeling too. If he says “I’ll get rid of it” and then leaves it alone, YOU throw it away immediately. Don’t let him hang onto it or make any attachments, if he has real hoarding tendencies it’s a very fast slippery slope. Keep doing it. If FMIL is one of these people who doesn’t want to keep things but refuses to throw them away, she will rapidly see you throwing out everything she gives you, and it’s a win win – either she’ll stop giving you things (seeing that it’s the same as putting it in the garbage) or your both your apartments will be neater because you’re getting rid of everything! 🙂

It’s a chore I know I’d gladly take on to avoid the alternative fate.

Post # 12
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@lampshade:  Have you told him it bothers you? I certainly wouldn’t want a bunch of junk crowding my space either. Or take matters into your own hands: “thanks, I appreciate the gesture of you offering us your garbage this stuff but we don’t need it nor do we have space. I will have to decline…No, thanks.” Keep insisting as required. She can’t treat your house like a garbage disposal. Man up, Mr. Lampshade! 😛

Post # 13
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Jijitattoo:  +1, that sounds like a good alternative if he won’t cut the apron strings.

Post # 14
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Toss it when he’s not around! It’s been my biggest savior in our relationship. Haha.

Post # 15
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First and foremost…

YOU cannot do anything.  Any Professional Therapist would be able to tell you this.

This is really ENTIRELY about the relationship that your Fiance has with his Mother.

And WHY he feels he cannot say NO to her (that could be a much BIGGER problem in your Marriage than this perceived possibility of Hoarding that you see coming your way)

You could certainly tho as his Life Partner discuss HOW YOU FEEL (you can only control you)

And work from there.

Throwing out anything that he has brought home from his Mom’s… or for that matter anything that belongs to him… would be CONTROLLING, ABUSIVE and DISRESPECTFUL Behaviour on your part

A Healthy Relationship doesn’t work like that (despite what some of the Other Bees here may have expressed).  A Therapist would tell you that as well.

You have a right to have a clean & organized home for sure… and even some designated “your space” (as he does for “his space” alone as well)

BUT these things are all to be negotiated, not rammed down the other Partner’s Throat.

This stuff / behaviour obviously bothers you about your Fiance… so you need to talk about it, and decide how you are going to handle it TOGETHER.

If he continues to bring things home, then you’ll agree for example that He or the Two of You (his choice) to go thru it / cull it regularly.  Have a Garage Sale, Donate it, Throw it out…

If he can’t stick to a plan THEN YES YOU HAVE AN ISSUE

BUT as I said, that might have less to do with actual Hoarding than the feelings he may have about his Mother in general (doesn’t want to disrespect her)

In whichever case, you guys may have to get some Counselling

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 16
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

@Steampunkbride:  “If he won’t throw it out then you dispose of unwanted donations immediately. Don’t leave it to your FH if he just hangs onto it. Hoarding is an illness and just telling someone to stop giving you this sort of rubbish rarely gets you anywhere because there are deep seated reasons why people horde. Reasons that they often don’t understand themselves without help.

+1.

This is seriously something to nip in the bud now.

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