Post # 1
So here it goes:
DH’s 30 yr old brother lived with his dad in NYC all his life. He finally fell in love (with my then BFF) and moved down to MD to be with her. He did not have a place to stay or money saved so where does he live? With us naturally. We have a 4bd rm house with 3 rooms on the top and 1 one the bottom. He uses the downstairs room. He and former BFF are due to get married in April, but idt he is moving out until March-ish.
DH and I decided we were ready to have a kid (been together almost 6 years,) but he knows I’m a prude when it comes to DTD… and I’m loud. lol. I REFUSED to do anything knowing BIL is in the house and his bedroom is DIRECTLY BELOW ours. So DH would jokingly (but seriously) tell BIL “Hey, we’re trying to make a baby so you gotta get out.” So BIL would spend the night at former BFF’s house. lol. It would be super awkward and funny at the same time. By Grace we actually got our BPF the 2mth while TTC. So that whole exchange was short lived. But if we had gotten a few more BFNs, BIL would still be having to leave the house as I am way to self conscience about him hearing us. Now I am 6 mths preggers and BIL still lives with us and former BFF stays on the weekends. EVERY weekend.
Next up, my mother moved to Arizona 2 months after DH and I began dating 6 years ago. She said when I get KU she’d be back as it’s her first grand kid and she and I both want her to be actively in LO’s life. Not just through FB and Skype. At first thought this sounded ideal as our relationship had gotten immensely better. We talk on the phone once a week and she LOVES DH. Well the time has come and she’s coming back to Maryland in 2 weeks for good. Where is she staying you ask?!?! With me, DH, BIL, former BFF (on the weekends,) and 3 pit bulls! Duh!! She’ll take up residence in our guest bedroom until BIL moves out and then she’ll move to his room downstairs (DIRECTLY UNDER MY BEDROOM.)
The issue: I moved out of my mom’s house when I was 19 for a reason…. Idk how the hell I’m expected to manage being 7 months pregnant and transitioning to being a first time mom with my sometimes over bearing mother in MY house. Like any mother, i think she still sees me as a kid and still feels that it’s her place to tell me what to do and expect me to listen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy she is moving back, but why can’t she just move in down the street?!?
Just this past weekend we painted the nursery and I FaceTimed her to show her the work and we got in an argument because she told me choices for the curtains were wrong and I NEEDED to have them this certain way and also that she was not going to let my dogs out in our backyard to do their business because she doesn’t want to be responsible if they get out and run away. So she’d rather they stay in the crate. -_- DH knows that things will be tense so I pray for his patience, but I’m REALLY worried on how it might affect our relationship and the dynamic we try to create when LO comes along.
It’s already a bit awkward with former BFF hanging around and the house sometimes feels crowded with the 4 of us, but to add my mother to the mix and then all of LO’s stuff and then finally LO. UGH!!
Needless to say, I am less than thrilled to be spending my third trimester of my first pregnancy with a full house. And I’m even less than thrilled to be bring my new baby home and have all these hands in the pot. It was supposed to just be DH and I, now it FEELS like a village because I KNOW his family will not know how to stay away. **END RANT**
Post # 3
Tell BIL to move out. He is a big kid, and he can do it.
Is your mom staying with you temporarily or moving in permanently? A few months may be stressful, but doable. If she is moving to MD, I would recommend she find her own place near by.
Post # 4
@thenewmrsmax: I second that! But DH “babys” BIL in a way. They’re mom passed when they were younger and DH was always more mature than his older BIL so he feels that it is his responsibilty to take care of him. Plus BIL says he’s always broke so he can’t afford to move out. Which in laymans terms means, he’s saving for his own wedding and doesn’t REALLY pay rent so why leave a good thing before he HAS to?
And my mom is only meant to be with us temporaily, but she also is leaving her current job and is wanting to start her own business here. So idk how that will affect everything. She may even end up watch LO once she gets here if I decide to go back to work.
Post # 5
Sorry to hear. I definitely understand why you are frustrated. But there is saying “A closed mouth don’t get feed”. You can’t be passive and silent and have any expectation that things to change. If I was you I’d be more vocal and start establishing more boundaries, now. Because this will not get easier once the baby comes.
BIL sorry he has to GO! He and his future intended can figure it out. People always claim “broke” when they simply aren’t being forced to stand on their own.
As for your mom. This is you and your husband’s home. YOU are woman of the house therefore she must abide by YOUR rules. You have to establish what is expected for her as guest. yes its grandma but she is absolved from having boundaries. Telling you already about your pets, no. This needs to be nipped in the bud now. Start telling your mom from now, when you come this is how it will and spell it out. Also ask her, what is her long term plan. Because is she planning on living with you for a year, two or three? Starting business, sounds costly. So she will be living with you to cut back on costs. Does she plan on going back to work? She is expected to contribute financially into the home? Did she agree to watching the LO full or part time? Will she be dating? If she can she adult company spend the night? You really have to think about all potential options. Because what you don’t want to do is assume.
These are uncomfortable conversations but better to have them NOW than wait until unhealthy patterns being are established. Otherwise, you will back here, after baby comes, venting about her lack of boundries.
Congrats by the way.
Post # 6
Man, this is a really difficult situation.
I think you and DH have to talk about BIL and maybe he needs to go live with his fiance. We contemplated letting my brother live with us for a little while but realized that once we let that happen, he would never be motivated to leave and we needed space to be a family.
Same thing for having my mom live with us for a while (she proposed this once). I told her that we would not be able to live the way we want to live and bond as a family with her living with us. We have to learn how to make it together on our own.
Post # 7
@MrsDiddles: People can only take advantage of you to the extent that you let them. You are in no way obligated to let either of them live with you.
Post # 8
@MrsDiddles: It’s tough, but you have to start making tough choices. I put the kabosh to a lot of things my mom wanted to be involved with, and I am only 19 weeks, and she doesn’t live with me. I couldn’t imagine having people live with me as sometimes I even want DH and the dog gone so I can have everything to myself, lol.
BIL needs to move out, and I know you said DH tends to baby him, but he isn’t teaching him anything by cottling him. Why doesn’t he move in with his FI? Is there a different friend he can move in with? He stays because it is rent free. Not fair. He needs to get out into the world and learn to fend for himself a little bit.
As for mom a temporary stay wouldn’t be too big of a deal, but she should be actively seeking a permanent place for herself to live, whether it be a house, condo, apt, etc. If you feel like you can have her around all the time, that’s great. For me, I love my mom a lot. She my rock, but all the stresses that come along with being a new mom I am not sure I’d want her there “coaching” me through things. Everyone handles pregnancy and birth different as well as experiences pregnancy differently. I’d for my mom to say, “When I was pregnant…” becuase she does that a lot. It’s different for me than her, and she always compares. It gets old.
I wish you luck. Not an easy thing to discuss, but I think you and your DH need time to be alone together and be parents.
Post # 9
If it were me BIL would have a chore list. He might be fine with that. In fact you are going to need lots of help and if he’s there- he’s helping. Lawn mowing, running errands, cleaning- I’d make the situation work for me. I moved 1000 miles from our families after college, so I’m a lot more hesitant then many bees to advise pushing anyone away. You can shift your relasonships a bit and I think be happy. Or he’ll be annoyed and move sooner. Either you have a sparkling bathroom or one less person in the house. That sounds like a win. Also I wouldn’t assume not wanting to live with your mom at 19 will be the same as her staying with you. 19 you are SUPPOSED to want to strike out on your own and they see you as a kid. When you have your own house and a new baby to feed every 3 hours (god no sleep), IDK, someone to go to the grocery or make dinner sounds like a gift from god.
Oh- just really deeply read the Mom and the dogs part. That’s weird. My mom or sister would just take care of my dog like I would take care of theirs. She seems a bit persnickety. Don’t really have a lot of experience with high strung female family members.
Post # 10
@MrsDiddles: BIL needs to be out now lol…. final lol
with your mom…I would have a chat with her and make sure that your both on the same page and try to establish a rough timeline…..these situations (as you’ve learned with BIL) can end up lasting a LOT LONGER then anyone wants (especially if shes going to try to open a business? that can be hard timeise and financially and I can guarantee she will “have” to stay with you longer then you or your DH will want). Talk to your man and see what he’s comfortable with and decide as a couple how long to let her stay! You need your space with your DH and your new baby…..
Post # 11
BIL is capable of moving out, but of course, why would he leave a good deal if he’s not forced to. If your husband can’t kick him out, at least its only a few more months until he moves out. Maybe he’ll choose to when baby comes? As for his FI, your former BFF…. I’m not sure why it’s “former”, but it sounds like some bad shit went down, so why are you guys allowing her to stay EVERY weekend?? He’s a guests in YOUR house, lay down some rules. Tell him to get his ass out and stay at HER place on weekends so you can at least have that alone wihtout having to deal with both of them.
With mom, i’d understand why that would be harder. I would have a rough time kicking my mom out on the street. Would it be better to stay in a spare bedroom upstairs instead of right under you? do you have a basement you can turn into her living space so that theres more distance?
Post # 12
You are married and on the verge of being a mama. It’s time to take control of a situation you’re unhappy with! I would have DH talk to BIL and let him know when he needs to be ready to move out. Explan to mom that you are delighted to have her around but that she will ultimately need her own place, too, if she plans to stay longer than x amount of time. If you decide you are okay with her living with you, you need to decide NOW what that will look like and lay down boundaries before she ever moves in. How can she contribute, what is off-limits, etc. In some ways it is MORE important to set these boundaries with family members.
Good luck to you!
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2011 - Baby boy 12/2015
@MrsDiddles: Wow lady, sounds like a lot of things are going on. I will definitely as BIL to move out. I mean he is a big boy and needs to figure out things on his own. It is not like he is a teenager or something.
Your mom situation is a bit more difficult. I agree that is she is thinking of starting her own bussiness in your area, she would benefit of having her own place. That way she is close enough, but not that close. Would she cosider that? How far along are you? Refresh my mind.