RANT: In-laws coming to visit with very little notice…

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Couldn’t in laws spend some time sight seeing or shopiping alone? Theres a lot of fun things to do in Boston, I know as I live here too 🙂 

anytime So and I visit friends out of town we try and get my alone time any way we can. 

Post # 4
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@matildatwar:  He does need to learn to communicate with you and that decisions about things such as overnight guests need to be made jointly.

You need to relax and let go. They are adults travelling across the country by themselves. Give them a key, a map and let them be on their own. Just tell them you already have plans and will see them at the end of the day.

Post # 5
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Your problem is with your fiance.  You need to tell him the hotel is closed, and people have to ASK before coming and if they ask one of you, that one has to ASK the other.

Post # 6
Member
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I personally don’t see it as a big deal (as in I wouldn’t mind taking them with me to appointments if I had too, or I’d let them know I had to go out and they can entertain themselves), but since you do.. That’s what matters.

 

your fh shouldn’t be brushing off your feelings, but make sure you are clearly communicating your issues to him, instead of being passive aggressive about it. 

Post # 7
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This is crazy.  That long of a visit with no notice is just nuts!

I would make sure to have a sit down talk with your FH, and tell him why this can’t happen.  It may just be what his family does, or it may be he knows a lot longer before hand than he tells you.  Either way, you need to establish ground rules, because you will be dealing with these people for the rest of your life.

Don’t be afraid to talk to his sister either.  I dont get the feeling from your post that you were involved in the calls about them visiting.  Maybe she isn’t as imposing as you think, but is taking her brother up on a generous offer. 

As far as this time, since it doesn’t sound like you can change it, if his sister and boyfriend can travel across country by themselves, they should be able to entertain themselves.  They have been once, and you have shown that you are a good host that time.  This time, you may just need to say to them “I am busy from X time to Y time, I hope you can find something to do.  I would recomend X attraction if you are interested.” 

Post # 8
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 My fiance and I both have parents within a 3 hour drive. Because of that, we discussed parental boundaries and visits. We set a couple of simple rules. No one agrees to a visit before talking to the other. And no guilting if the other just isn’t up for guests that weekend. We also firmly believe  in the fish and guests rule. 3 days is plenty. If  they want to stay longer, they can get a hotel and entertain themselves.

Post # 9
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@BeeinBoston:  +1

While it is fun to visit relatives, they might actually be happy if you did give them some time to enjoy the city alone. 

Also….You might not be fond of FSIL and her BF….(Trust me I know there are people in my SO’s family I probably wouldn’t talk to outside of our relationship)…but, you should make an effort in getting to know them better since you are marrying into his family.  Try to not see this as a bad thing but a positive opportunity to see them and hang out with them.  His sister is not going to go anywhere and the more positive interactions you can have with her premarriage, the better I think.

Post # 11
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@matildatwar:  I can’t assume safely that you will be looking at a ton of venues on the same day, so I think they will be fine venturing off by themselves for a few hours. For what it’s worth I would never take my SIL to a potential venue. No, no, no.

That being said, you will be in a whole world of trouble if you don’t talk to your FI and set family boundaries before you marry him. Trust me on this one as I have an overbearing MIL. We had many many discussions before we got married about what was acceptable and not and agreed. It’s made life a lot easier.

Post # 12
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@matildatwar:  I think the biggest issue is that your FH said you don’t get to decide anything, as if having a discussion with you means you are making the decision. You should explain to him that in a marriage people make decisions together, especially about visitors to their small apartment.

Post # 16
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

Yikes, I’m really worried about your fiance’s response.  Does he know what all you do to prepare for overnight guests?  Would he be willing to do any of that?  I find it most concerning that he doesn’t see this as a big deal.  My boyfriend and I live together, and he always asks if it’s ok if so-and-so comes over, even if he knows it’s fine.  I agree with other posters that y’all really need to sit down and talk this out.

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