Rant – ring and more

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@unhappybride:  It’s been 2 years – it’s time to let it go and move on. Families are different. You’re much more forgiving of your own mom’s small ring comment, while you are holding a grudge against your FI’s family. I’m sure they like you well enough, but a daughter getting engaged is often more exciting than a son getting engaged, it’s just the way it is.

This whole thing is about you and your fiance, not anyone else’s opinions or thoughts. You’re marrying a man you love. Nothing else matters.

Post # 5
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@unhappybride: I would let it go – it’s been two years and it would make you seem petty (which you don’t seem to be!) Every family is different (mine’s the huge, loud rambunctious family, and I don’t know how FI deals!) and it probably has nothing to do with you, and more to do with SIL’s situation. I mean, she went from being negative on marriage to happily engaged? Come on, that doesn’t add up. 

On your ring – it’s a personal choice, but I personally wouldn’t upgrade if it’s to keep-up-with-the-Joneses. Princess cuts face up small anyhow. I have a “small” ring for my social circle but I was inspired by people I know who are still in love after 25+ years, multiple companies / IPOs together, making the world a better place… their wives’ rings are very modest and make mine look blingy big. 

As long as you are confident in you, your FI and your love for each other, you’ve got the pieces in place for many happy years 🙂

Post # 6
3198 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@unhappybride:  Honestly my family had a similar reaction to my brother’s engagement.  I think when it comes to a son/brother the family expects to:

1) Know that the engagement is coming prior to the woman being asked

2) Perhaps be involved in picking out the ring if the guy is surprising the girl.  Especially from the point of view of his sister and mother.

So maybe their reaction had to do with their lack of involvement and hurt feelings towards your DH then it had to do with you?

As far as your ring, a 0.9 ct princess cut is huge!  What wedding ring did you pair it with?  You could always bling it out with stackable rings and such.  Upgrade when you and hubby feel comfortable to and not because others are not jumping up and down for your ring.   Honestly I get more of a reaction from cashiers and waitresses (when paying them) then I do from my own family and friends.  I take it as jealousy and move on.

Post # 9
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Well… I think you need to put a bit less importance in what other people think. That’s a long time to hold onto this upset/anger.

I know it’s hard, believe me!

It sounds like you love your ring… so I would keep it. Upgrade if you want to, but not to keep up with the joneses. Remember – if you get a big ring people may say it’s gaudy or fake looking or question if you can afford it. You can’t win when it comes to please everyone. You just have to please yourself.

In regards to his family not being warm and welcoming re: your engagement… maybe since you were together for 5 years, it was a given. Lots of people aren’t the show emotion, huggy types. My family is like that. I didn’t get a hug or a congratulations… they just knew it was coming. They show their love in different ways. As long as his family is nice to you and treats you with respect, I’d say your inlaw problems are not that bad.

Regarding the SIL, sorry but she sounds like an insecure bitch. Find a way to tune her out.

I sometimes look at this graphic to remind myself that the way I feel IS in my control. Thought it may help you…

Post # 10
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@unhappybride:  My FI’s family had a similar reaction to yours. His dad said (quote) “Wellp, that’s another one on the conveyor belt to death”, and nothing more has been said about our wedding since.

My FI is their oldest child and the first to get engaged. It hurt at the time, but I really do think it’s a reflection on his dad’s negative feelings of getting older, rather than about me. My FI has also said the same about his family that yours said: that they’re more understated and reserved than my family. None of his other siblings have been engaged so I don’t know what his family would be like with e.g. his sister’s engagement. Possibly the same as your FI’s family? I do like his family but my feelings were hurt by their reaction, and things haven’t really been the same since. I also know that they think weddings are a waste of money, so that’s a bit tricky.

I don’t know where I’m going with this apart from to offer some solidarity! Also, the ring is a touchy issue but do what makes YOU and your FI happy, not other people. I have two engagement rings 😉

Post # 11
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@unhappybride:  Please don’t take any of this personally. Any of it.

People call your ring cute because there are basically four different “compliments” everyone gets on rings: It’s big, it’s classic, it’s unusual, or it’s dainty/cute. People don’t put a lot of thought into what they say about a ring, they just say the first one of these things that comes to mind. Every one of these comments could be taken the wrong way if you try to. Big isn’t everything, and it sounds like your ring is big enough for you and just what you wanted. Don’t take ring comments to heart unless it’s a comment that you know someone has thought long and hard about. They’re being nice by calling it cute and there’s nothing to worry about there. When people call my ring cute or dainty, I say “Thank you, I love it!”

As for the SIL, it sounds like she’s wrestling with some things. A lot of us have weird feelings about marriage, and a lot of us evolve our feelings on marriage as time goes on. I thought I’d never have a wedding, just a courthouse thing… and here I am. (Hopefully I’ve had the good sense not to offend others as my view has evolved, but who knows.) Sounds like she wasn’t sure how to think about it. Or maybe her BF used to be reluctant about marriage, and her comments were intended to make herself feel better about his position by saying she didn’t want it anyway? Don’t take her comments to heart.

And don’t worry about your in-laws and their reaction. When you announced your engagement, they weren’t as close to you as they were to SIL. They’ve known her forever, they’ve only known you a short period of time in comparison. Personal space bubbles can be different for everyone. I would react differently to my SIL than I would to my sister, just because I know I can throw myself at my sister in a giant hug like we’ve done since we were kids, but I’m not 100% sure that kind of enthusiasm would be appreciated by SIL. They didn’t know you as well at the time, and that’s why you got less of a reaction than the sister did. No worries.

Just don’t worry about any of this. It just has to do with differences in people and families and relationships.

Post # 12
1106 posts
Bumble bee

@unhappybride:  I can sort of relate. When I first got engaged I eas so excited and didn’t even think to call his or my family and I posted it on facebook and they got hurt I think that we didn’t call first so they didn’t really seem excited for us either and I had a 1 ct solitaire and i NEVER got compliments on it. His family just looked at it and didn’t say anything and my family didn’t even ask to see the ring so I did kinda feel un important. I really wanted a halo but chose the solitaire bc of the size but regretted it and got a halo ring and I get compliments often now and some of his family noticed I had changed the ring and complimented it and now that were married they treat me like I am apart of the family. just be patient once y’all are married they’ll treat you differently. 


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