ready to blow up on inlaws

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Mrslovebug: 

They may be intentionally undermining his self esteem to fill their own needs to keep him dependent.

At some point, your husband needs to make the decision that his self worth does not depend on anything his parents say or do.

Post # 4
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Mrslovebug:  I think this is more about where you husband derives his self esteem than his parents being unsupportive idiots. Focus on helping him rely on their opinion less. I undesrtand you wanting to stand up for him, but he’s got to do this himself. 

Post # 5
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Mrslovebug:  Wow. It’s so hard to tell you what to do in this situation, but here are a few of my pointers. My brother-in-law was in the exact same situation and he finally started ignoring them and/or telling them to stop:

1) Either you, your husband, or both of you have a talk with them telling them that your husband is a grown man now and does not need their unwanted input. It’s not their place and it’s NONE of their business. I think this would be the best route to go.

2) Stop talking to them. Who wants such toxic people in their life? even if they are your parents? It’s completely uncalled for.

3) As with my brother-in-law’s parents, it sounds like your DH’s parents are jealous of him. In their minds they didn’t amount to much, so they don’t want him to, either.

4) Send DH to counseling. He needs to hear from an unbiased person that he IS worthy of these jobs and other achievements he receives in his life

5) Have a serious talk with him and tell him that especially with a baby on the way, job-hopping and mediocre jobs are definitely not optimal. He’s got to learn some self-respect and self-esteem before he is fit to raise a child. You don’t want your child witnessing her dad’s low self-esteem.

 

Ultimately,  your DH deserves to be happy. Go back and read your text. “so excited about school”, “really looking forward to a career”. If this is what he wants, then this is WHAT HE SHOULD DO!! Who cares what his parents think? It’s not their lives!! I know your DH wants to keep the peace, but if taking up for himself is too much for his parents to handle, then they don’t deserve to be in either one of your lives. Especially not their grandkids– if they’re jealous of your DH, they’ll be jealous of the grandchild. I wouldn’t want my child around that sort of poison.

Post # 7
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think the more important question is why your husband is letting his parents dictate his self esteem, and employment? He is a grown man. It is one thing to want their approval, but quitting a job because your mommy and daddy don’t like it is something teenagers do.

Post # 8
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Mrslovebug:  I agree with some PPs… it sounds like your husband allows himself to be controlled by his parents. Your husband is the one who is beholden to you. This sounds like a talk you need to have between the two of you, not you with his parents. It sounds like your husband might benefit from some family therapy to learn how to become enmeshed from his family’s expectations and draw clear boundaries, internal and external.

Post # 9
Member
284 posts
Helper bee

You should be the one who matters most and has the most input/sway, esp when it comes to matters that affect your family life. He needs to cut the cord, be a man, and do what he thinks is right and consult with his WIFE, not with mommy and daddy. I wouldn’t put it to him in so many words, but I would sit down with him and encourage him to make decisions with you and not with his parents. If this means talking with them, have him do it. If it means cutting off communication for a while, it’s worth it. I can only see this getting worse without a major paradigm shift. Good luck OP 🙂

Post # 10
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Mrslovebug:  Time for your husband to grow a backbone and take responsibility for his own actions.

Post # 11
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Ouch. That really sucks. It is easy to say that your husband should ignore it and derive satisfaction from the things he is doi g and not get his self esteem from his parents… But those are pretty darN hard strings to cut away from your heart.

 

your husband will need to talk to them about how their behaviour makes him feel, and how it drags him down. dont expect the conversation to go perfectly. He may need to distance himself a bit from them, or declare certain topics off boundary for them And get up and walk away if they bring up money, jobs or school.

 

good luck!

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