(Closed) Ready to cancel the wedding – part 2

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

My first question is what does your FI say about all of this and how is he acting? He needs to step up and be a man and put his family in their place, you are his family now and will be his absolute number one priority. Not to sound harsh but if someone is trying to hurt you he should be right there. He should not allow people to say these things about you.

The reason I say all of this is because I am going through your situation now and maybe a little bit worse. I am sorry this is happening to you, but don’t let others ruin your wedding. This is about you two and anyone who doesn’t agree with it doesn’t have to attend.

Post # 4
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

(HUGS) I so feel your pain.  I was in tears last week for almost the same reasons (except not because they are Latino but because they felt their contribution to the wedding entitled them to be listed). Fortunately for us it was a proof and we were able to change it before we ordered. Do not cancel your wedding over this. Don’t change your plans either, if this is how you two want to get married.

I promise things will calm down. Although FI did not want to get involved because he is a “good son” and hates confrontation, he ultimately spent some time on the phone explaining that I made an honest mistake and it helped the bruised egos in his family heal. About a week later his family called me an apologized because they realized I made an unintentional mistake and that their reaction was not called for.

I would recommend taking a day or two to breathe and not think about it, then have FI speak with his family in a calm way and explain that it was not intentional.  Perhaps let them know that everyone will be listed on the program or something.  I wish you all the best and I have faith that this will work itself out.

Post # 5
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with roxy821. Your FI should really have your side on this one. He will not be put in the middle simply because he will actually be taking a side – yours. And I too say this from experience as I am in a very similar situation. But all the false negative press about me doesn’t bother me because FI stands up for me and I suspect you would feel the same way if yours did too. You should really explain that to him. It’s an extremely important precendent to set before marriage. You guys come first for each other. Period.

Also, you guys aren’t getting married for his family’s attendance. Cancelling the wedding on their account because of hurtful ignorant things they are saying is putting too much stock in their power to hurt you and your marriage. If they want to come, they can come otherwise who cares! And bonus, if they DO come, they’ll see how hard you and your FI tried to incorporate Latino traditions and they’ll be forced to change their (apparantly easily swayed) minds.

And finally, even though it is cute, the idea of giving the bride away is antiquated and not very relevant today. News alert: women are no longer considered property! 🙂 Instead if anything your father is entrusting only your FI (not his extended family) with caring for and loving you. Which is another reason why my first point is so important…

Post # 6
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t think you should cancel your wedding over this issue.

Even though your FI does not want confrontation, I think he should talk to his mom (at the very least) and stand up for you. I think he can say that the invitation name issue was an honest mistake and not done maliciously. I think he can also point out that you both consulted with his family while deciding on invitation wording. I think he should also tell them clearly that you absolutely respect him, his family and his culture. I think he can also discuss all of the plans you have made to include latino culture into your wedding.

My point here is don’t cancel your wedding. I do think your future hubby should stick up for you and not let his family completely run you down. It sounds more issues will come up in the future so he needs to find his assertive adult voice.

Post # 7
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry to hear this. What does your FI say? He really needs to stand up for you. Hey I’m Mexican and I don’t know this. FI and I are paying for the wedding and not including parents on the invite but it’s nothing againd my family or his.  I’m sorry you are going through this and hope you guys can work it out.

Post # 8
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I can kind of see why a family would get offended because of that. I guess in our family &  most other weddings I’ve attended; it usually doesn’t matter who pays. You either state both sets of parents or you don’t list any and only have the bride and grooms name. I’m not Latino; thats just how it’s usually done around here. I can understand why they would be slighted. If it was an honest mistake I would apologize but you already stated that you didn’t list them because they didn’t contribute. I guess I don’t really have any advice. You made a decicion and you have to stand behind your reasoning and not let people walk on you. As for your FI sticking up for you. Did he make this decision with you? If he did then he needs to stand behind you as well. No matter if he steps on toes or not.

Post # 9
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Sticks and stones, darling!  Have them vent it out.  Are they paying for the wedding? No.  So they can just shut their bazookas about it.  You already tried your best to incorporate their traditions in your wedding.  If they are not happy with that, then they should just suck it up.  Do whatever makes you and your future husband happy.  When they are eating the food that you paid form, I’m sure no word will come out of their mouths.  The nerve!  ((Hugs to you!))

Post # 10
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Your FI must stand up for you, you have to train him to.  My FI never stuck up for himself before he met me and now he says he’s grateful to have me and that I made him a better man.  Its just rude and disrespectful for them to act this way to their future daughter in law. There is no need for this drama at all.  I mean, we live in America now and cant expect everything to be a certain culture and in a certain way for approval, its absolutely ridiculous! I am Asian and my FI is Italian and when we planned our wedding, we never let our cultures clash with one another, we plan it our own unique way, a way that makes us happy because its our day.  Even if they were paying for the wedding, its still your day.  You dont offer to buy someone a car then pick out the car you want them to drive.  I hope it works out for you but dont cancel the wedding, show them you are strong and not going to let any negativity ruin your happiness.

Post # 11
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think the issue here is that you FI won’t take sides. Not that he should have to, per se, but he SHOULD be sticking up for you. People marry into awful families all the time (the inlaw cliche is there for a reason!), but I think what makes it worth it is that your FI/husband knows where the draw the line because this is HIS family.

So yeah, I think that’s what it comes down to when you decide if you want to call off the wedding. You really need to express the seriousness of this to your FI and see what he says.

I’m just really sorry, hun 🙁 It makes me so sad when people’s wedding planning is ruined by selfish family members.

Post # 12
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

As if wedding planning isn’t stressful enough you have to deal with this! The most important thing in my opinion is that he stands up for you and himself as I can’t imagine he agrees with them! This can be done in a rational, tasteful manor that would not get him “disowned”. I know it’s easier to say then do but if these people are going to be your family something must be said.

Best of luck and I hope you don’t cancel!

Post # 13
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Ok, how do I begin? I am not hispanic either and I’m marrying a into a Mexican family with way different culture and tradition than me and my family. IT IS HARD. One of the things I’ve had to deal with is the whole BM and groomsmen thing. His family believes if I ask one person, I have to also ask their spouse (regardless of if my FI knows the guy or not and vice versa). There are a lot of weird traditions and differences that we have to learn and get used to and sometimes just say “I’m not going to do it like that at my wedding, sorry”. People will put a lot of expectations on you and 916bride, you have to learn to let it go and your FI has to learn how to speak up for you (IMO). My FI’s family are very sensitive and hard to please and it seems like it’s always like pulling teeth to get them to confront each other. After 5 years with my FI, I am still learning how to deal with his family and how to not offend people while still “sticking to my guns” when I have to.

The invitation thing is not a big deal. Explain to them why you did it and how it’s tradition and speak to your FMIL about it. The FMIL always knows how to make peace in the family. Or have your FI do it.

There is so much drama in my Fi’s family and little things that could be dealt with on a much smaller scale… but the bottom line is, do what you want, don’t let other people’s attitudes and offenses and grudges keep you from having your dream wedding. I think calling off the wedding wouldn’t solve anything. Do your best to explain things and if they don’t get it, oh well. You and your Fi really need to get on the same page, support each other and do what YOU want to do.

Post # 14
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m in a similar situation. My FI’s parents HATE me. Literally, they do. They’ve said and done terrible, mean things. They’ve tried to do everything in their power to break us up. Not only are they upset about the wedding, but they’re not coming! Bottom line is that YOU DO WHAT’S RIGHT FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. And your FI needs to stick up for your partnership. You’re a team no — he needs to communicate that, and his family needs to accept it. If he’s not doing it now, then he might not be ready for marriage. Things like this can and will happen again, and he needs to be committed to the relationship. It took my FI awhile to reach that point; I understand that it’s hard to go from being a “momma’s boy” to an independent man starting his own family. 

It sounds like moving forward with your wedding as planned is what’s important to you and your future husband. Don’t let his family spoil it. Have your FI explain the misunderstanding, make sure he’s objective about it, and then move on. If they choose to sulk, then let them – you’ve done everything you can.

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Please do not cancel your wedding because of this! I’m Mexican and I was very surprised when I learned that in the American tradition only the parents of the bride host the wedding in the invitation. In Mexico the parents of the groom also appear in it. Maybe they’re not aware there’s a different tradition in the US, and if you’ve had arguments before they thought the worst… I think this might be a big misunderstanding. If I were you I would go their house with some invitation samples or other invitations and make them realize it was not your intention to hurt them at all, and apologize to them for the misunderstanding.

Unless they’re mean and crazy I’m pretty sure they’ll understand and leave it behind.

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