- 8 years ago
- Wedding: January 2011
This year in Feburary will officially be 9 years together. I use to think I needed a long term relationship and thought it took sometime to get to know each other. But seriously, I didn’t know it would take 5 years to start seeing the light. The real person behind that mask. Hearing him say he love her while i was pregnant with his first child. I heard it, but I was in denial…..
He was an over the road truck driver and that was difficult in it self. It took having his child to see things for what it really was. I learned many things after that. It took me the next 3 years to uncover, another woman, a house, 2 cars, tied to him and her in another state. She had kids from her previous marriage. Question was, did he have a child with her?
My love and finiance kept me there, dependant on him. Part of me was jealous, I was living in an apartment. When he also had a house with out me. On our end, he has stepped up to the plate and is taking care of me and my son and paying my rent and bills all the while Im not working. He also bought me a good durable car.
After my confrontation with him, his claims were that they were just friends. He was helping her and she was helping him. He needed the house for tax deductions. It was just buisness. And that he LOVED ME! But he continued with his lies….. a few months later. I had the courage to say its over. IM DONE!!!!
But it wasnt, cause the whole year in 09′ I felt him pulling me in with his pillow talk and getting me gifts and some talks about the future….. Sleeping with him did not help me move foward it kept me stuck in place. By the end of this year, I was planning on being completely done. But before anything, I needed to make sure he didn’t have a child with her. So when the time was right, I looked through his stuff, broke into his Comp. Found another phone and found pics of her, sexually. I was dieing inside, but I convinced myself. At least it wasn’t another child.
The next day I decided it was done for sure…. I confessed about finding the phone and seeing the pics.. And where I stand..But some how, tables were turned when I confessed of having 2 sexual partners about 4 months before. He seemed really hurt…. And thats when I saw that his feelings for me could be real, maybe he does love me…… so i decided to give this another try if he doesn’t continue being with the OW.
So, here I am. I want things to go my way. He lied to me again about going to the house. But i know he went…….So now im stuck with the nagging feeling that he loves this woman.. And he’s just pretending with me for what ever reason.
I asked myself WHAT AM I DOING? WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME? Because he claims he love me unconditional. And i love him, still. But I can’t keep hurting and dealing with the feeling that he love her too and keep lieing to me.
As much as it hurts, Im trying to accept the possibility that his heart is attached to her. What his heart feels for me, I don’t think matters any more. I seriously feel I just need to be alone. Let him be and Let me be to do me.