Realized I still resent FI for the long wait :(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
45 posts
  • Wedding: November 2014

Maybe you should postpone your wedding until after you move back home (I read your post to mean that you are only in this job for 1 year?). If planning your wedding with people close to you is really important, that might be a solution. 

I don’t think it’s fair to put it all on your FI, he had to be ready and comfortable to propose, and he obviously wanted the moment to be perfect, and put a lot of effort into it. sorry to be blunt, but it’s not all his fault you’re in this situation, you did choose to take a job away from home. 

I hope one you find a solution that works for you, and allows you to have the wedding experience you want.

Post # 4
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@HeartsandSparkles:  Your feelings are completely normal. Sometimes it’s hard to understand how things work logistically (i.e. you can’t have 9 women and expect a baby in a month) and some people just can’t plan ahead. 

Add that to your demanding career and it gets overwhelming. And he didn’t help and actually made it worse. That’s ok. Have you talked about why it took so long? Does he understand what a hardship it is for you? Thoughtlessness can hurt as bad as or worse than maliciousness. 

Can you hire a full service wedding planner to take off some of the load? I know you want to do things yourself, but you can make the strategic decisions and the planner can execute. Or can you hire a maid / personal assistant to deal with the mundane life stuff while you wedding plan? 

I’m not sure about some of the logistics – flying out for dress shopping, for example, but can your FI cover that for some of your loved ones since he made you wait? 

Of course, I’m making lots of assumptions, but I’m just trying to figure out ways to at least get you closer to what you expected, given the reality that you face. (hugs)



Post # 5
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@HeartsandSparkles:  I would just keep thinking that if he never proposed, you wouldn’t have a wedding to plan ( at least not a wedding marrying him) and you wouldn’t even be worrying about all the relatively small planning difficulties that the proposal delay caused. In fact, if he never proposed, the planning would be pushed off even further if you had to presumably find and date a new partner.

I would also just try to think that this will be such a small, insignificant issue/ thought in your head about 5 years from now when you would have had a lovely wedding, growing career, newlywed, ect. ect. You’ll have different things to worry/ponder about. So try not to waste energy on negative thoughts that really don’t push you forward in the here and now. Good Luck on planning and everything! You can do it! I understand not having a lot of family/people to plan and be excited about your wedding. I am in that boat too- my family doesn’t place the same type of giddy excitement on weddings that you see with others or in the media. I deal with it by finding surrogates- like the wedding bee and by just trying to enjoy the planning process and realizing that this time is very special and brief.

Post # 6
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@HeartsandSparkles:  FI and I had been together for 13 years before he proposed.  I was ready (emotionally and financially) to get married 4 years ago.  But FI didn’t find his career path as soon as I did, and he ended up going back to school.  Which meant, although he was emotionally ready to get married, he wasn’t where he wanted to be financially.  Did I resent him at times?  Of course.  Here I was doing everything that I was supposed to do…go to school, get a good job, support myself, and yet I was stuck…waiting for him to get settled.  But at the end of the day, FI had things he wanted to accomplish before getting married, and I had to respect that.  I actually really admire him for it.  FI knew how I felt and he felt really guilty for being the reason we couldn’t move forward with our relationship…so how could I be mad at him for that?  The important thing is that now we are engaged and we get to plan a wedding together!!  

So that’s the important part — you are officially getting married!! My advice is to forget about the what-if’s and it-could-have-been’s, because whatever wedding you plan is going to be AMAZING because it will be for the two of you.  Focus on all the possibilities you have in front of you.  Take your time and try not to stress out over the big things, because there will be plenty of little things to stress out about later.  

Also, your FI never had and never will have any control over the weather — so definitely drop that one.

Post # 7
240 posts
Helper bee

Have you guys thought about pre-marital counseling? Not specific to this issue, but for your relationship in general? Might be a good way to clear the air and learn to communicate better – I’m doing it with my fiance and we really have no big problems, but I think we can always improve our relationship and communications.

Post # 8
4043 posts
Honey bee

@HeartsandSparkles:  Out of curiosity, how long were you together before he proposed? In all honesty, it sounds like he put a lot of effort, time, thought and planning into the proposal. It could have even cost a lot of money. Have you thought that it took longer because he needed the time to plan and to save money in order to pull it off?

While the proposal didn’t happen when you wanted it to, I don’t think it is fair or normal to keep having resentment toward your FI. Yes, it’s a bummer that it was 10 months later than expected and that you are having planning frustration now, but I doubt he purposefully waited so you would struggle now. 

My DH proposed on our 9 year anniversary. I had really hoped for it to happen on our 8 year anniversary. Was I antsy and frustrated until it happend? Most definitely. But did I resent him for it? No. We had some date conflicts (my cousin, his best man and a groomsmen all got married within 4 weeks of us) and some things got pushed back because of when he proposed, but that’s life…plans don’t always go like we hope for.

While I understand you are frustrated, I think you should really focus on the future and your relationship. Resentment is a really unhealthy and damaging feeling to hold onto in a relationship. It can become very harmful because it can turn into contempt. 

Perhaps there is something else that is truly bothering you and you aren’t realizing it. Is there something else about your relationship, your FI or your life that could be the root of your frustration?

Post # 9
2707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@HeartsandSparkles:  I have been seeing so many of these posts lately about women who “can’t get past” one thing or another. It can really be harmful in the long run. It sounds as if everything is going very well for you so try and focus on that. You are not going to have continuing problems. I did want to say that if you are going to be an attorney (I am one) you are going to need to move on very quickly from losses because you will have them and you can’t dwell on them or it will drive you nuts. Eventually this “skill” will be forced on you and it will spill over into the rest of your life.

Post # 10
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@HeartsandSparkles:  I read the entire first part of your post, and then skimmed the last half.

It seems to me like you are resenting him for waiting to propose because your planning isn’t going as expected.  Which to some degree, I get.  But it seems like you are really upset about this….and I think you need to just swallow it and move forward.  

I had TONS of things go “wrong”, the plannig for my wedding my stressful, my sister’s 2-year-after-her-wedding-honeymoon stole our original wedding date, My alterations cost half of what I paid for the dress (and it was expensive for me!)  Our florist goofed and we didn’t find out until two nights before, and our venue, while they were awesome– opened up our reception room 1 FULL hour early (it was supposed to be opened in coordination with food)–

I also had health issues arise the weeks leading up to the wedding AND was sick with a severe cold the week before my wedding.

I was also as bloated as a chica could be the night of our wedding (I got my period the morning after)–  

Basically, in terms of smooth wedding planning, it was anything BUT.


But that being said– I married my best friend.  

Resentment gets you nowhere.  Trust me– I have been resentful of someone for a VERY long time before.  It’s more energy-consuming than you’d ever imagine, and totally pointless.  


Your guy took longer that you wanted.  You’ve been upset over, it’s time to get over it.  Not worth it, and there’s nothing at all you can do to change it!!

Post # 11
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Whether you were engaged by X date or Y date and whether you get married in Nov or push it out further you and your SO are committed. Marriage is not about planning a wedding and being a bride. It’s about a long term, loving relationship. Some couples make it official sooner than others. But, just think all the time you spent waiting you were committed. You and he already knew you were the one. Hold on to that and put all thebridal hoopla in pperspective.  At the end of the day count the total years you have been with him and not the married years. If you compare that to your friends’ you will see you are about even.

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