Weddingbee boards

The other night we had a discussion and I said I couldn't keep giving him chances, and he had to show me he was willing to work on his behaviour and show some sign of improvement by the end of March or I would leave. He agreed to talk to a counsellor, i said he had to do the research for him to go see a counsellor, i wouldn't look them up for him. He agreed to look them up this week.

We were talking about how he doesn't express his feelings much, and i said that hopefully the counsellors he has researched could help him with that. (I figured he hadn't done the research yet) And he said he was going to do it on Sunday night. This week ends on Sunday, I pointed out that he was leaving it to the last minute. He asked why I think that, I said that sunday night is the end of the timeline within which he said he would do the research. He said that i was calling/thinking our relationship was a timeline. What the hell? Um no, just a timeline is a time within which you plan on getting things done, i don't want him leaving it to the last minute. He said he will try to do it tomorrow night (try...)

Get this, when I asked him why he hadn't done it yet, he said that he was busy organising other things. ok what was he so busy organising that he couldn't do what he promised to??

And we have to contact Tiffany & Co about the valuation certificate for my engagement ring. When he picked the ring up they said it would arrive in 4-6 weeks, tomorrow it will have been 8. i suggested he call them about it, they haven't responded to his emails yet. He said he tried to call them tonight, being Thursday he said late night shopping. um yeah, in the suburbs of our city it's late night on Thursdays, but in the centre of town, where Tiffany's is, it's Friday, which he knows because we have gone in to the city many many Friday nights for late night shopping. Sometimes I don't know why I bother

sorry i didn't explain very well: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/just-feels-like-he-doesnt-want-me

i would call for him, but i am always the one doing the research for him etc, i had to do tafe research for him, i even had to look up proposal stuff for him. he avoids doing things he has agreed to do, and then blames me for getting upset. before he said that if i wouldn't get upset so much there wouldn't be any problems. i pointed out that there still would be problems and he said 'yeah but i wouldn't know about them.'

he would be going to a counsellor for his passive aggressiveness, shutting down, blaming me, not expressing how he really feels, 'forgetting' things, making up a million excuses and making himself out to be the victim.

i have purposefully avoided bringing it up until now, and i didn't ask him if he had done it yet, i just said that hopefully the counsellors can help him, and he said he hadn't done the research yet.

but i am tired of doing all the work for him, he needs to step up, sorry i didn't make it clear that i am the one doing things pretty much all of the time

and usually things don't get done UNLESS i keep bringing it up or do it myself.

and yeah he said he wanted to improve for this relationship. and when earlier he said the 'if you werent upset there wouldnt be problems' and i pointed out he was being passive aggressive again, blaming me, he said that he didnt care, and threw his phone across the room. then did it again in a later conversation

@mwitter80:  i am not trying to make him like me, he does like me, he loves me, and wants to spend his life with me.

@KatNYC2011:  you're right, i do need to trust him to do things. i suggested before that he look at counselling and he agreed, and looked a few places up while he was here and we talked about counselling as a possible first step that he may be more comfortable with. and i know he can do things, i just need to trust him to do them. a while ago we were talking about a cake for our upcoming engagement party and he said he could order it, then one night later he asked me if i wanted him to go ahead and order it, i said yes sure, and he went ahead and ordered it, i don't even know what kind of cake it is, he wants to surprise me :) thanks for putting me in my place and making me realise i need to let go, and work on improving myself and how i handle things :)

@KatNYC2011:  thanks, sorry way misunderstood there lol.

yeah it's tough, read an article about dealing with passive aggressiveness, and how it often stems from having a dominant mother and reclusive/distant father, and that is so true for my FI. Up until I put my foot down a year ago, his mum would clean his room and make his bed for him, still does his washing. But I want to stop that pattern, and make sure our kids do not follow in our footsteps, i want to make sure i give him a chance to improve, i need to start focusing on my own life, hanging out with my friends more and perhaps join a gym or take my dogs for walks :) thanks so much for the support :)

watching ghost whisperer, jim just died, makes me realise how precious each moment is with the one you love. makes me realise that i need to work hard to make sure each moment is as happy and as special as possible, because you never know when it will be the last. 

When I first started dating my ex, I had all of these "expectations" on what makes a perfect boyfriend. I would tell him all the time what I expected of him, and when he didn't follow through, I would get very upset and it would lead to constant fighting. I expected him to be someone he wasn't just to fit into the mold of what I believed was perfect and in the end it was just exhausting for both of us.

When I matured and started dating DH, I learned to ease up and appreciate the differences in our personalities instead of trying to fit him into a mold of perfection. I'm a researcher and a planner and a go-getter. He's laid back and believes that everything will come in time. I learned that if I wanted something done by a certain time, I would have to do it myself. But I now rely on him to calm me down and ground me and enjoy life instead of trying to drive right through it. In return, he now realizes when something is really important to me and will step up in those instances to make me happy, but it's never something I expect so it's always a wonderful surprise. We balance eachother out and we've both become better people because of it.

If you force him to become someone he's not, I guarantee he will end up resenting you in the future. Give him a chance to grow on his own and embrace your differences and learn how to use your strengths to work together to achieve COMMON goals. That's the only way a relationship will work.

@CanAmBride:  thank you. i just find it hard to trust that he will follow through and improve, based on all the broken promises in the past, even the most important ones

@Jacqui90:  I'm sorry, but if you can't trust that he will grow and mature throughout your relationship, than you shouldn't be marrying him. Marriages are all about growing and changing together, and trusting that that person will be able to support you through all of life's challenges. If you don't trust that he will be able to do this, you need to re-evaluate if he is the right person for you. 

He doesn't have to be perfect, but you need know in your heart that the two of you will be able to face all of life's challenges as a strong, unified team.

@Beautiful Bluegrass:  thank you :) i have been talking to an online counsellor at my university about study issues/breakdowns/health and due to make a face to face appointment soon, so i can hopefully talk to her about relationship issues, i think it's important that we each have an individual counselling session with a counsellor before going in together, but definitely think we would need counselling together also, get a third perspective and help us understand where each other is coming from better :) you're definitely right, i like to be in control, and i want to be his wife, not his mother, i just need to relinquish control, which will be really difficult