Post # 1
So I really just need to vent more than anything. I’m 25, I’ve been dating my SO for 6 1/2 years, and we’ve been living together for about a year and a half. My boyfriend has had a lot of family weddings over the last year and we’ve been talking about our future more and more. A few months ago he said that if he could he would marry me tomorrow but he wants to be in a good financial position before hand. Understandable.
He’s been really good recently and in June he officially paid off his car. I was really happy for him to be debt-free and to start saving (just to have a cushion and of course eventually get a ring for me). At the end of June before I left for the summer to keep working on my Master’s degree, he mentioned something about really wanting to have a boat by next summer. He’s always wanted one, he actually is a captain and drives boats for a living, and I asked him, “Well, am I going to have something else by then as well?” and he said “Yes”.
What really upsets me is he calls me this afternoon and drops the bomb on me today that he’s decided that he’s going to buy a boat! I was really hoping that he was simply toying with the idea, but in the end decide that it’s just not the right time to get one, but he says the deal is too good to pass up. It’s still over 6 grand AND needs work, and when my boyfriend gets a new toy like this, he always has to customize.
I obviously need to talk to him about how upset I am-I know it’s wrong but I’m really taking this personally, because I feel that he wants to buy a boat instead of wanting to be with me. He knows that I want to take the next step, when he mentioned the boat a few weeks ago he said “don’t worry I know what you’re thinking…” He tells me to be patient, but now this??? I just think it’s really unfair. I know as well that life never goes according to plan but if he buys this there’s no way he’d be able to save up enough money to get the ring I want and have it be within my timeline. I wanted him to propose for our 7 year anniversary in March. To top it off I just had to chaperone a high school dance and found out that one of my colleagues just got engaged. Ugh, frustrated.
Post # 3
@Vivasevilla804: I’m sorry you’re having a hard day! It is understandable that you would be upset. I would just have a heart to heart with your SO and set up a timeline. “I’d like to get married by this date and I’d like this amount of time to plan. ?” I’ll use myself as an example “I’d like to be married by August 2015, and I would like a year or so to plan. Do you think we could be engaged by July 2014?”
To me this is less pushy and more of goal setting. Some guys really have no idea how much time and money it takes to have a wedding and I can almost garuntee him following his dream to buy a boat was innocent and was not an attempt to make you feel badly! He could also be ring shopping, you never know! Just talk to him 🙂
Post # 4
Men do like to have their monetary ducks in a row as far as career when it comes to marriage. There is no getting around that. Just make sure that is the legitimate reason for him wanting to wait. If he already has his goal job and can afford to live, then it’s probably not the real reason.
I don’t think I would bring up the boat purchase. It’s not going to come across well to him. He’s already told you he’s not ready. You can’t do anything at this point except accept it ( if the reason he gave you is sound or you feel like you can continue without marriage ) or move on.
Post # 5
@prettyinpink11: Thanks. I’ve tried so hard not to bring up an official timeline, that comment about next June is the closest I’ve ever gotten, and I don’t want him to feel pressured to propose, I want him to do it when he’s ready, but I just feel that he won’t be ready until later because of his “boat priorities”.
Post # 6
Seven YEARS! I think I would have shoved that boat down his throat by now… But you are basically a saint for waiting so patiently for so long!
Do you guys have a general timeline? He might think that he needs to propose in March 2015 for a June 2015 wedding!
Post # 7
@Vivasevilla804: well offical timeline at least in my opinion is not to pressure, but more of a way to tell him what you are looking for. Making a decision to marry is huge and should be done after much collaboration between the two of you. Talking is key. If he can’t talk about it, he is no where near ready. Like a pp said if he isn’t interested you have to decide if you can continue to be a relationship unmarried or if you need to move on.
Post # 8
@Vivasevilla804: I feel you, sister. I’ve heard that boats are horrible money-sinks, and I’m waaaay more of a saver than a spender, so it would be painful to see him buy such an expensive toy! Especially if your guy is claiming finances as the main reason your relationship isn’t moving forward. Ouch! ((Hugs)). Some might say that you aren’t married yet, so it’s not your business to tell him what to do with his money. While I generally agree, I think that if you’re planning a future together, you should be able to at least *discuss* big financial decisions that will affect your future.
Post # 9
@Vivasevilla804: I feel your pain! SO and I will be celebrating 6 years next week. He wants his finances in order before proposing and has set timelines before, but something always seems to pop up unexpectedly. I’m pretty sure we’re almost at the end of waiting, but it’s definitely been extremely difficult and I have had some less than stellar moments.
Could the boat be part of his way of securing financial security? You mentioned that he is a Captain, so maybe having his own boat could make him feel more secure in the future?
I’d suggest trying to talk to him about things. You don’t necessarily have to mention the boat specifically, but you could gently ask where things are heading. The only problem I can see is if he doesn’t even want to discuss marriage at all. I don’t think you need to worry about that though, since you already said you guys had discussed it a bit.
Post # 10
@Vivasevilla804: Hey, just wanted to come to say”hugs” to you. I know how it feels. But, it might be worth considering men with their projects think of showing their love/preparing for the future in different ways to us. For example. he’s most likely bought the bought with the thought of sailing out with you, his fiance-to-be and eventally wife-to-be. He’s thinking of the romance of that. For me, SO keeps thinking of how we can go for dinners with other married friends when we are married and I’m thinking well think of the ring stage then 😛
My dad bought a new motorbike without consulting my mum and she was furious but he eventually got her to relent when he kept going on about how they can ride of it to the beach etc.
So really, this is not to excuse the boat buying but to explain it.
Post # 11
I hope that he takes you out on his new boat and proposes with your ring…
Cos it’s really not fair if he buys that thing and you don’t see a ring in the 6 months following! Especially after how long you’ve waited.
Post # 12
Haha me too! I just thought that I would be getting the ring before the boat….
I did talk to him on the phone last night (he works in Texas for 2 weeks at a time), and at least he has more money than I thought. When he paid off his truck in June, he really didn’t have that much money, but without having to pay for his car anymore and he worked even when he had off from work in Texas that he’s actually doubled what he had in June, which definitely makes me feel better. I’m still not happy about the idea and I still think he’s being financially irresponsible, but at least he knows exactly where I stand. I didn’t even mention the ring, I just told him that we’ve been together almost 7 years and every decision we make is going to be bigger than the next so we will really need to work as a team and talk about things. He agreed and apologized for not including me in the decision…so at least that’s something.
Post # 13
Hi everyone I just wanted to say thank you for the support. The first night I talked to my SO about all of this he thought a lot about what I said, and I didn’t even mention the ring, which he told me later that he was surprised about. The next day he called me and he said that he really wants to keep everything a surprise, which is why he hasn’t been advertising much at all about what he’s doing, but he promised me that he wouldn’t even be considering buying a boat if he wasn’t in a position to also buy a ring 🙂 Again it just goes to show how important communication is! I understand he wants to keep things a surprise, but telling me a little bit here and there will certainly help keep me sane. He realized that was certainly one of the reasons why I was frustrated and now I feel so much better. I still think it’s not one of the smartest things to do, but I’m happy that he has other savings that I wasn’t aware of 🙂 Thanks again for the support everyone!
Post # 14
@Vivasevilla804: so glad that he has other money for a ring too! 🙂 hope you don’t have to wait to much longer x
Post # 15
@Vivasevilla804: I am so, so glad that you two could talk about it.
I was getting ready to post that many other ladies on the waiting boards had SO’s who spent a lot of money on themselves right before they proposed. It’s almost as if they are giving themselves an engagement present, haha!
Good luck, can’t wait to read your proposal story!