(Closed) Really Bad Waiting Weekend

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I think what you just wrote is so heartfelt. You should write your feelings down and give it to your boyfriend. You said it so eloquently, if this doesn’t get him to propose, nothing will. ((Hugs)) and good luck.

p.s. I know how hard it is to miss your dad in times like this. Mine died 12 years ago and I still miss him daily.

Post # 4
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Just because he isn’t here, that doesn’t mean your Dad can’t hear you….go to “His” place, the place that makes you think of him, sit down and hash it all out…it might not be in a form you expect, but you’ll get an answer…be it a flock of birds taking the sky, a sudden breeze dropping a leaf in your lap, the ones we love are closer than we know, if we’re able to listen for them.

As for your boyfriend, I will put up with just about anything, except a person who is afraid to act….because it shows a total lack of confidence, trust and self esteem…he’s got to love and trust himself before anyone else could ever hope to be a part of his life.

Post # 5
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through all of this.

I think it’s a really positive thing that he has even mentioned a desire to see a therapist. You said that he never took the initiative to make that happen, but it can be really intimidating for some people. Have you ever considered going and seeing a therapist together? It might help to go as a couple just the first time/first few times and then your SO can continue sessions on his own– or you two may find that the sessions as a couple work great. I think it’s something to consider.

Sending love and wishing you the best of luck!

Post # 7
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

In some ways we are like the same person! I just wanted to say I feel you, and that you’re not alone. I felt similarly around our two-year mark; that wasn’t our timeline (it was a little later) but soon after that I suggested SO see a therapist. He was very against it because he thought he should figure things out himself, it would be really bad for his job if somehow word leaked that he was seeing one (for whatever reason), and said he would think about it.

Fast forward to our 2nd timeline – he said he was still more nervous than he thought, and I said that was okay but that I wasn’t promising I’d stick around until x date the way I had when we were working with timelines, but that I wasn’t breaking up either. We compromised with him going to see a counselor. Yes, I still had to find one for him and set up the appointment, but a) none of his friends had gone to one, and tons of mine had, so I knew where to look for one, and b) I knew it was just not possible for him to call from work so I volunteered to do it.

It isn’t easy, and I think of myself more as someone waiting to walk or figure things out, but over the last month he has done every possible thing to show me he is more serious than before about figuring things out, and has been bringing up seeing the counselor on his own, without me being the one to always ask.

I tell you all this because the result is that it has for the most part calmed me down substantially. I’ve focused on myself a lot more, and part of that focusing has allowed me to see how much my SO has been there for me since we met. Look for what he has done, and how much he support he has given you. I don’t mean anything material – in my case, encouraging me to go for the things I didn’t believe I could do, staying up until 3 am despite having to be at work at 8 am in solidarity since I had schoolwork to finish for a deadline – things like that. Even from things not working out right now it seems like you both have great communication, and treat each other with respect. Know that he loves you, and trust that if it is meant to happen it will, and if the time comes for you to walk that you will know it and have the strength to do it. I trust that if my SO and I do figure things out that he will be there for me wholly and completely, because he has been there for me completely the last two and a half years (with the exception of us arguing over this engagement stuff, ugh, though that hasn’t happened at all in about a month) – your tone makes it sound like your SO is the same way. And talk to your Dad whenever you need to – he will always be listening.

Good luck, and PM me if you ever need to talk. I do get frustrated sometimes (mostly when I am hormonal) but in general am not as anxious and upset as I was over the summer (you can look at my old posts for this) so maybe that will happen with you, too.

Post # 8
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My dad has been gone a long time too, so I totally feel for you.

As far as your SO is concerned, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but he needs to either sh*t or get off the pot.  I’m guess that if you’re 36, he’s around the same age.  He’s not some 21 year old that is trying to figure out what he wants to do in life.

You’ve been together 2 years.  IMO that is more than enough time to decide whether or not you want to be with someone.

I am very much like Nona99 and would never wait around for someone to decide MY future.  Sounds like this guy is a talker and not a doer.  That would drive me crazy.

You need to be true to yourself.  You need to ask yourself how much longer you plan on waiting.  How many more times of disappointment will you put up with?  In a sense you’re enabling him because you know he has problems making (or at least acting on) decisions, and you’re going along with it.

Do you live together?  If you do, then what’s the incentive to get married?

If you don’t live together, then it I were you, I would very much consider taking a break.  You sound like a great woman and if he doesn’t want to be with you, I am sure there is someone out there that does.  Do not underestimate yourself.  Know that you are desirable.  Maybe he needs to see what life without you would mean.

If anything, maybe talking to a therapist yourself can help.  Make you see why you’re staying with this guy.  No where in your post do you mention loving him and wanting to spend the rest of your life with him.  He doesn’t sound like that great a guy to me.

Post # 9
Member
5007 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t usually comment on these posts, but yours made me tear up!! I’m so sorry about your father, that’s just plain unfair and I’m sure so sad for you every day. Is your mother around to talk to at all? I imagine that after 38 years of marriage, she would know what he would have to say! 

Do you guys want to have kids? I think that could change my opinion of the situation, since that’s obviously time-sensitive. I think having some pre-premarital counseling might really help him, he probably has some irrational fears about marriage. Oh, and happy birthday!!

Post # 11
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee

@Nona99:  You are so right!!!!

OP if you go to a place that reminds you of your dad and just talk to him like he’s there you will get the answers you are looking for! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Honestly you deserve to be happy and I know your SO makes you happy but you need to have committment and if he’s not ready to give that to you maybe its in your best interest to leave. You want to accomplish certain things in your life so its not unfair to leave so that you can have those things in life. Additionally I love your analogy of your life being a GPS…fits my situation perfectly sometimes.

Post # 13
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@KatertotATL:  +1 – it seems like he is making an effort, and that is promising. I hope that things work out, but if you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me!

Post # 14
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee

@KatertotATL:  I agree, I’d give him time to start going to counseling, and hope and pray that he can get to the root of some of his issues and start making progress. I think as long as you’re open and honest with him and as clear as you can be as to what you expect and what you are going to do should he not hold up his end, then you should feel a lot better.

*hugs*

Post # 15
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

My thoughts are with you! My life sounds so similar to yours right now, my dad is very sick in the hospital and I am coming to grips with reality that he won’t be here forever. Dads are the best as you so beautifully described in your post. I wish we both had a crystal ball to see our futures! 

Post # 16
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Waiting seems to taint a lot of relationships. But considering the circumstances, you have a great attitude. I love your GPS analogy- waiting feels a lot like you are lost on life and it is frustrating when it feels like you will never get to that destination. My SO also felt like he needed to see a therapist and he started going this month. I would also like to have some appts together. Just wanted you to know you aren’t alone! *hug*

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