Post # 1
I have a serious dilemma on my hands. My FI and I have been engaged for not even 3 months and it has been a struggle ever since. Here is the story. We dated for almost 2 years and he was not ready for marriage. I am going to tell you guys straight – I gave him an ultimatum. I was like if you don’t marry me then it’s over. So the proposal was sweet and from the heart, but from the get go I was confused. He was married before and had a lot of baggage from that relationship. (I mean we all do). So we get engaged and since then, we have been NON-STOP fighting. His family sucks and I mean really sucks. They are these religious fanatics who are super unfriendly and uncaring. I don’t get along with them. I am feeling really let down by them but I know I can’t change who they are. On the other hand, my FI and I have really been arguing over so many things. 1) Our sex life sucks. I have never in my life had such bad sex/ or such infrequent sex. I think the problem lies in the fact that we just don’t have that chemistry – not to mention he really has a small penis. I know what you guys are thinking – so then why are you with him? Why did you start with him? Why did you carry on with him? I guess because I love him. I know, it sounds bad but it’s true. 2) Our fights tend to escalate into screaming matches where he constantly compares me to his ex-wife. “She used to scream like that.” “She was stubborn like you.” But he does also say that he had quote “great sex with his ex.” 3) Our sleeping arrangement is severely problematic. He loves the house super hot, while I like to sleep in a cool environment. One of us is not sleeping most of the time, which also causes deep resentment and irritability. 4) He constantly says to me things like “We probably will end up in divorce” or “Oh no we are getting married” and to make it worse, he says it in front of friends and family with me following that “oh my FI is joking.”
All of this stuff really hurts me.
I know I should just trust my gut and end it, but it is so hard.
I know neither of us are perfect, but maybe we both should just go our separate ways? This is so hard.
Anyhow, sorry for rambling so much.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2010 - Ocean View Villas/Jasmine Seafood Restaurant
Have you tried couple’s counseling? It sounds like it might be helpful if you would like ot keep the relationship going. There is definitely some damaging stuff going on. Otherwise, it sounds like you have already decided and just need to build up the strength to do take care of it. Sounds rough all around.
Post # 4
I totally agree with hot wings. Either try couples counseling or leave. The whole situation sounds pretty bad.
Post # 5
I definetly agree that you should try couple’s counceling. and he needs to realize that you’re not his ex-wife, and it’s unfair of him to compare you to her. he doesn’t seem very estatic about the wedding, maybe you could push the wedding back a little bit too, to give him a little more time to be ready to be married? but seriously, if you decide to leave, please do it sooner rather than later. but, try counceling. it can help
Post # 6
We have been fighting a lot lately as well, we started premarital counseling and it is helping a lot, i think you should give it a go =)
Post # 7
You said yourself that he has a lot of baggage from his previous marriage. He told you he wasn’t ready for marriage and you forced him into it. He most likely feels pressured into a situation he didn’t want.
Post # 8
@sarahlarner: I completely agree.
OP- I think he only proposed because he doesn’t want to lose you but you BOTH aren’t ready. Try counseling if you want as it MAY be able to help, but you may have to keep in mind that sometimes that just love isn’t enough to keep a relationship or marriage going.
Post # 9
sounds like a very bad situation.
You are marrying not only him BUT his family too!
I think its horrible that you had to give him an ultimatum to commit, because without him doing it on his own he probably regrets that he got rushed into it.
He probably still has a lot of hurt feelings from his previous marriage, and obstacles, and previous emotional bruising he still hasnt gotten over- and didnt want to commit right away.
i would defiitely go to cousneling, and see if the underlying issues can come out, if not…you may want to leave it and leave what will be…you don’t want to expend emotional negative energy in something that both of you are not trying to make better.
I think you are really angry at him, and thats why you said alot of mean things about him (i.e. the sex is bad)- cant be that bad if you love him to death. You learn one another, and teach other- if its that boring than maybe your chemistry as individuals gone out the window, and are better off as friends/acquanitences.
Post # 10
i think i have posted this numerous times on weddinbee but trust your gut 🙂
im a huge believer in gut instict and i think you ultimately know deep down if you are in the right place or not – you just have to listen carefully – your mind will try and talk you out of it.
I also agree with hot wings on this – counseling is great! FI and I have to do some marriage prep through the chruch to get married and i was super nervous about it but it has been absolutely wonderful -during our pre-cana class i looked at him and was like “if people are contemplating getting married or not this really would help you ultimately make that decision” they talk about ALOT of things you wouldnt even think to bring up. Highly reccommend it for ANYONE looking to tie the knot.
Post # 11
Do you not see the contradictions in this statement:
I gave him an ultimatum. I was like if you don’t marry me then it’s over. So the proposal was sweet and from the heart, but from the get go I was confused.
He proposed after you gave him an ultimatum, yet it was “straight from the heart”?
Your sex life “sucks”.
You hate his family.
He predicts divorce.
Need I go on? I say, forget couples counseling for now, assuming you could even drag him to it. I think you need counseling for yourself to figure out why you are even in a relationship that is so toxic.
PS Please use paragraphs, ladies. These long, run on posts are tough to read.
Post # 12
@Lindsaygooding: It’s someone who is a fake, who gets on the boards with bogus stories. I wonder too, ut hope it is not.
OP, as someone who called off the wedding, my advice is really to slow everything down. Make sure YOU want to get married, and make sure HE wants to get married. It all sounds very rushed, and, I am not quite sure why you gave him an ultimatum. Something to think about.
I agree with PP. Weddings/engagements can be stressful and bring out the best and the worst in people. You are both on edge. Talk to a professional about how you are feeling.
Lastly, this is your life. If it doesn’t feel right, then really think about why you are doing it. Things don’t necessarily get better once you get married. Just take the time you need to figure this out.
Post # 13
I’m a fan of counseling as well, but I always raise an eyebrow when I hear of couples that need it before getting married. Doing it as a preventative measure is one thing (standard premarital counseling), but if you’re having problems to the point that you need to see a professional before you even get married or engaged? Might be time to re-evaluate whether or not you want to sign up to spend the rest of your life with this person.
The problems you’re having aren’t going to get any better with marriage, they’re just going to get worse. Just remember that.
Post # 14
I agree completly wiht sassy411
Post # 15
Why did you give him an ultimatum? You were only together 2 years and I am thinking, not long after his divorce?
You were unhappy with him, so you gave him an ultimatum. He told you he wasn’t ready for marriage, but proposed and now you’re both unhappy.
I’m sorry, but no fiance would put online how her guy has a small manhood and actually wonder why the relationship isn’t working. You’re clearly unhappy and unsatisfied and so is he.