Weddingbee boards

I'm posting this under a pseudoname, not because I'm feeling guilty or anything, but because we're going to have to take my stepson's mom to court, and I don't want things potentially getting messier than they are.

I don't think I've ever been this angry in my entire life. This afternoon I (and DH) got an email from my stepson's mom about sorting out weekends for this month. No biggie. We had sorted the last few months out literally a year ago because we knew this fall would be very busy. All of a sudden she decided to change things and wanted us to have him the next two weekends. Typically that wouldn't be a big deal, except that we're going away next weekend, and it's my birthday, so that was a no go. Like I said, we had told her and sorted out weekends a year ago. That being said, we've also had my SS every single long weekend and Valentine's Day this year. Even if it wasn't our weekend. If she wanted to rearrange it, we did. It's not like we've been inflexible to say the least. 

So in this email, she just pokes and digs at how we're going away and we should take him with us because she needs a break. She's had him two weekends. We had him the two weekends before. It's not like there's been anything out of the normal going on. Then she goes on to attack DH about other stupid drama surrounding our wedding that was entirely her fault (again, we had sorted out weekends, she decided at the last minute to change EVERYTHING and then was furious when we wouldn't bend over to accomodate her. Sorry lady, I was doing this whole wedding thing, I can't babysit your kid too.).

THEN, this is what is really really really really really getting under my skin, she accuses DH of not paying his child support (huge and complete lie, he started giving her money when she was pregnant and has never ever missed a month), and says that he owes her all this money and because of that, she's been going more and more into debt and that DH and I should get ourselves together, take on her debt and pay it off. Words cannot express how deeply offended, angry, and completely shocked I am. Literally every time I think about it, I start crying. I have no idea where any of this came from. 

Last time I saw her (I typically avoid her because she is so unbelievably childish and two faced) was at our wedding, where she was wonderful with the kids, and where she and I had a few minutes and she gave me a huge hug and thanked me for everything I had done, and how I had been such a great addition to DH and my stepson's life. I promised her I would always do my best for SS. I felt it was really big of her to say those things, I realize it can't be easy for her either. But what, was that all just a lie?!

I honestly think she's figured out that I (and/or my family) have some money and live comfortably and now she wants some of it. DH and I did a prenup exactly for this reason, I just hoped beyond all hopes we would never have a reason to use it. Now, within a year of being married, she goes on the attack looking for more money, insulting DH and I saying we never do anything to help (DH drives 1.5 hours each way to pick up and drop off his son every other weekend, she's completely unwilling to even meet him halfway), and saying we should pay off her debt. I am literally shaking with anger. I'm not sure I have ever hated anyone in my life, but I really and truly hate her. She is a horrible despicable awful person. What the hell am I going to do?! How do we deal with her?! Now we have to go back to court to prove that DH has been paying his support (he actually pays about twice of what he's "legally" supposed to), force her to start helping with the driving, force her to stick with the weekends we agreed upon, etc etc just to prove a point. I don't even think hate is a strong enough word for what I feel for this woman. Ugh.

Thank you for letting me vent. Please send love and hugs. I really need it. DH is out for the night so I'm here sitting and stewing on my own.

@mwitter80: I love my stepson. I should have phrased that better, you're right. I was really frustrated with her attitude that weekend and frustrated with the fact that she treats DH like a babysitter a lot rather than like a father which really isn't fair. Two weeks before our wedding she emailed DH to say "Btw, I have a wedding the day before yours, and you have to take SS for the weekend". The weekend of our wedding. The wedding we had been planning and she had been aware of for 14 months. And it wasn't a "show up and everything is done" type of wedding, there was a lot of work on our part. She then created this huge deal about why couldn't we take SS from Wednesday of that week until the Sunday. There's not many times in my life where I would say that I couldn't accomodate her but I literally could not. We had OOT guests in every inch of our house, we had all the typical pre-wedding events lined up, and we had figured out these weekends literally a year beforehand. I don't understand why two weeks before the wedding she pulled that. SO I felt like we were being treated like babysitters because she couldn't find her own. That's what I meant. Sorry. That all came out in a verbal mess because I'm really upset.

@Quietserenity: DH forwarded the email to his lawyer and told me to delete it. Likely because he knows that I will sit and re-read it a million times (I have read it about ten times tonight). I know she has a tough job. I know it must be tight for her. BUT she also has (from my outside perspective) little money sense (there are literally THOUSANDS of dollars worth of a particular toy line in her home, like so much you can't see her floor, and she's told us she has stockpiles more for different events, why do you need that?!) and I don't see why she's coming after us for her own debt when she's been getting twice what's been legally mandated. DH is a loving father who adores his son, has never shirked off responsibility from Day 1, who goes out of his way to make sure we prove a loving, caring, educational, and stable environment for him when he's with us. We make sure SS is at all our family events, SS's mom even calls my nephews his cousins! It's not like we have a poor relationship or treat him like he's this annoyance in our life. Sure, we've had tough times, it's a growing and adjusting relationship each and every day, but for 99.9% of the time, it's fantastic. We've learned how to be a great little family when SS is here and we have a lot of fun! I hate being treated like I'm this terrible person and like DH is this sack of garbage deadbeat dad when there could be nothing further from the truth. It hurts me so much. And to top it off, DH has to drive there tomorrow morning to pick up his son and look this woman in the eye and be nice. This is the first time she's involved me in one of her attacks and I'm just so taken aback by it I don't know what to do.

@rlsulli1598@verizon.net: When DH and I got married, heck, when we found out SS's mom was pregnant, I promised to always do my best to take care of SS, to always do what's in his best interest. We've never played an Us vs You game with her, we've always come at it from the approach that we all need to work together to do what's best for SS, we need to be a team. His life is disrupted enough switching houses every other weekend, whatever stability we can offer will be a blessing in his life. We've worked so hard to be good parents, to be patient, to offer what help and flexibility we can because there are times (like our wedding) when we would need help and flexibility from her. Instead all of that gets blown off and I've become some sort of a cash cow?! I'm just so disappointed in her. What kind of example is she setting for her son? I just can't figure out where in her brain she thought it would be okay for her to email accusing DH of owing her thousands of dollars and saying that he and I should pay her debt. Are you kidding me?!

On the upside, we have SS this weekend and we're going to put out the Halloween decorations, etc, so I think we'll have a really fun weekend together.

@JsDragonfly: He pays via the bank precisely for that reason. He realized that he needs a reciept/proof that he paid each month in case something like this came up. I have a feeling SS's mom realizes she can contest things as often as she wants (or as much as she's legally allowed to), and since she's a single mom she gets free legal aid while DH has to foot the bill for his own lawyer. And she gets paid time off when they go to court. Sigh. They went through family court to deliberate the custody agreement, etc, but have typically been able to sort things out with only a bit of back and forthing and without lawyers. She's just gotten vindictive and mean all of a sudden and I don't get it. Unfortunately, DH and I had remarked before the wedding (and actually through our engagement) how much SS's mom had seemed to have grown up the past while and come to terms with things and how much easier it was now that she'd decided to be relatively rational and calm. I really thought she had changed. I shouldn't have said a word....

@Moose1209: DH and SS's mom had a..... friends with benefits type situation before I met him. We met, he didn't see her any more, then she contacted him months later to say she was pregnant and he could be involved or not, she didn't want anything from him. He's not the type of guy to walk away from that kind of situation, and did what was best for his child and has and will always be a presence in his son's life, as well as paying child support, etc. He's an amazing father who would do anything for his child. If he was the type of guy to walk away from that level of responsibility I wouldn't have married him.

Moose, I also have to say, and you may not see my point of view and I respect that, when you're in the situation we're in, it takes time to adjust to all the changes in life that come with a child. DH and I weren't looking to have a child/SS so early in our relationship and sometimes it can be difficult to not be selfish about the things we wanted but now can't have. We dreamt about picking up and moving to a foreign country for a year. We can't do that. We can't even leave for a month if we wanted to. DH was never given an opinion about the situation, but at least we're big enough people to face what's been put on our plate rather than run away. I fell in love with him before I knew (and he knew) about SS, there was no way I was walking away. But that doesn't mean I don't get to have bad days, or want my wedding day to myself and my husband. That doesn't mean I don't get to want "the fairytale". My life has changed. My future has changed. My fairytale just has an alternate ending. Each and every day I work hard to be the best stepmother I can, to provide a loving and nurturing home when SS is here.

@MightySapphire: Thank you, I appreciate your kind words and support. SS was invited to the wedding (and so was his mom), we had clearly mapped out weekends, etc a year in advance simply because we knew we wouldn't have time on the day to devote to SS and it's unfair to say "Come spend a day with us!" and then pass him off to whoever is around. If it were our weekend, we surely would have made arrangements to have someone take care of him. I hope we don't have to go as far as you did because I don't think that would create a healthy situation/relationships for any of us, but we'll see how the future unfolds.

@lostinthemission: Yes, it's all covered off in the prenup, plus we're not filing our income taxes jointly. SS's mom isn't a bad mom, she loves him to bits and pieces, but I think she thought of babies as cute accessories and didn't think about the whole "growing up" part. She can be selfish at times, which is when I get frustrated. At other times she can be very giving and good natured. I know she's gone to parenting classes and she's been working on her own parenting problems which is a good step forward. I would definitely fight for custody if I thought SS was not receiving the attention or care he needs, but that's not the case. She takes things out on DH and I, not on SS thankfully. He lives in a loving home, is well fed, well clothed, well taken care of. I'm sure at some point he'll come live with us (likely as a teenager), but we'll wait and see what happens. Trust me when I say I want the best for my stepson and if at any point I thought he would be better off in our home, I would make sure that happened.

@MRSANTHONY: We did offer to find a sitter for him initially and had it all sorted out, but it worked it out in the end that it was her weekend (because she wanted to come and see him go down the aisle which was very sweet, and because she was very excited for us), and she said it wouldn't be necessary, she would take care of him in general that weekend. So it wasn't a lack of willingness on our part. It was her that changed the game plan and then made it out to be us being terrible people.

@Moose1209: Thank you for saying this, I was wondering when this was going to get brought up. That little boy is going to grow up feeling terrible hearing about all the problems, drama, etc. he is involved in and feel as though it is his fault because they "weren't expecting" having a child this early and it "takes a lot of getting used to". i don't mean this harshly, but this is the kind of situation where he happened first, and while it is hard being a parent needs to take precedence over things like not wanting him for two weekends in a row.