(Closed) REALLY dislike my FSIL…any tips how to proceed here on out?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

You have to let go of the anger.  It might have been a blessing if she had stepped down as BM, I mean your still 10mos out (i’m kidding I hope)  I have cousins/uncle like this.  You keep things surface, like a co-worker you don’t like. You don’t want them in your business and you’re too busy to be involved in theirs.  You said she doesn’t have a relationship with her brother even, and since that’s the case, I’d keep her as more of an acquaintance.

Post # 4
Member
7794 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@doubtingdebbieah:  I think you should have let her drop out of your wedding. Being a BM is an honour, but it’s an honour people are welcome to decline. She is not a selfish b**** for not wanting to be in your wedding. She’s just not interested.

OK, so she’s a BM but doesn’t have an active role. I don’t see a problem. She doesn’t have a problem being “distant” from you. So carry on as nornal and be civil with her.

Post # 7
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Sounds like she’s done you a favor by withdrawing to some degree. Try to see it that way: what she did isn’t hurtful, but a FAVOR. How amusing that a brat wound up doing something to inadvertently help you. You wouldn’t be the first person to worry about the marital future when you know you’re marrying into a situation where you will have to at least occasionally deal with difficult people.

The less you have to do with her over the years, the better. My former best friend is still attending my wedding after we had a civil blow-out over his boyfriend’s behavior (i.e., boyfriend was fired as our officiant). I’m not thrilled about it and I wish I had the gall to uninvite them, but I don’t. I am choosing to see it as “This is the last time I EVER have to see you if I don’t want to again.” It’s going to be a happy celebration no matter what, and in the long run, you will not have that much time to deal with your sister-in-law.

Post # 8
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would have let her go if she wanted to do so. But since she’s still in…just be as cordial as you can be.

Just because you had a relationship with her before and she is your FSIL, doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with her now. I feel some of your stress is stemming from what you feel you “should” do. Relationships flux…she could be different next year. Or 5 years from now. If you don’t want to be close to her now…don’t.

I am also hearing a little bit of feeling deserved that she behave apprpriately because you were so kind to her. I’m glad you had such manners and were a good BM but sometimes people are just incapable of returning our behavior back to us. It’s no reflection of you. I would only expect her to be who she is, as you said…selfish. Expect no more and you won’t be let down. Anything more than that, you will be pleasantly surprised.

I’m sure this is stressful!! And I’m sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.

Post # 9
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Honestly? Kill her with kindness. I KNOW that that is easier said than done, but most of the times it’s the only way to go – especially with family. Eventually, if you’re keeping your composure and she’s just being outrageous, she’s going to start to look ridiculous to the point where even SHE’S aware of how ridiculous she looks.

Post # 10
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@doubtingdebbieah:  I don’t like my FSIL either. When she got married she didn’t involve me in her wedding at all. When I asked about it she made it very clear that she had so many friends that were more important than me and she was very mean about it. She is just spoiled and kind of a brat. I have to deal with it by putting up with her for my man’s sake. He does love his sister, but I am so glad we live an hour away from her. It means I get to put up with her shit less. My advice would be to let her drop out if that’s what she wants. Just make sure that she remembers you were gracious and asked her to be part of your wedding.

Post # 11
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I definitely have ILs that I feel this way about. Right now your anger and emotion is clouding your vision and making you not know how to deal with her, but honestly it’s pretty simple – be polite and cordial to her. No need to hang out with her outside of family functions and be super chatty with her. I think @HisIrishPrincess‘s analogy of it being like a co-worker you don’t like is a good one.

There’s really no point in having a conversation with her about her actions or calling her out on them, because you know she’s not going to change and it’s just going to start drama. And you don’t want to make things difficult as far as future family functions go, or for your futurekids (who will be cousins) to not be able to have a good relationship with eachother.

Post # 12
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yikes, that is extremely selfish! I would be very upset too, and would have just let her leave, but I applaud you for keeping your calm! I had a problem with my FBIL before, when he came here from Georgia and had no where to stay so we allowed him to live with us. He moved his gf in without even asking, he would make messes and not clean up after himself even though he was home all day and wouldnt help with any bills. And when we asked for any type of help (like cleaning up after himself) he would start a fight with us. I usually just walked away to regain composure but one day I had enough and unleashed hellll on him lol. After he moved out, we didnt talk for a while, now when we see eachother we just say hi and bye. That may be what you have to do in the future.

Post # 13
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You honestly just have to let it go, for the sake of your FI and your future peace. She’s the drama queen, not you.

Listen, my FSIL is the girl that my ex cheated on me with..Sealed They are now married. If I can somehow find a way to make peace with them, and have them be a part of our lives in a very positive way, you can get past this with your FSIL. 

Post # 14
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

You just have to face the facts that you will never be close, and be willing to accept that fact. 

I have a very distant relationship with my MIL, and during the first few years it really sadden be that we weren’t close at all, especially when I had a great and friendly relationship with all my past boyfriends moms. It is no doubt extremely disappointing as I always envisioned having a relationship with my MIL, and I know that I never will. 

Just be sure to always remain respectful and cordial and don’t set yourself up to be let down. Just keep the relationship surface level and after time you will become more accepting of it.

Post # 15
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

“HOw do i proceed for the sake of my sanity and future?”

Be cordial towards her and keep your interaction light.

I have two SIL’s who are not pleasant, and I have no contact with them except hearing about them among family news via my parents. I have one FSIL who is nice. We aren’t super close and live on opposite coasts, but we are kind to each other and contact each other sometimes.

“but she told me shes not a social person and doesnt like to hangout wtih nayone except her husband. She also said shes never been one to have close friends and to not take it personall.”

Well, there you have it. You can’t expect to squeeze lemon juice from a rock.

“Its not bothering me that we wont be close” – Are you sure about that?

“but its bothering me how angry i feel that she would want to be out of my wedding, let alone her older brohters wedding!”

I can understand your frustration here. She is a different person though with different ideals and priorities. It is a shame she doesn’t view her position as a BM with more gusto, but she is still doing it and she will be present, so let things be.

 

 

 

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