Post # 1
I hope some of you can give me some advice because I am really at a crossroads here. My fiance and I got engaged 12/29/12 and our wedding is booked for 5/25/14. A little over 14 months away. We have already booked our venue, photographer, and DJ, decisions which my fiance agreed enthusiastically on.
We are paying for the wedding ourselves with a little bit of help from his parents. Mine aren’t in the picture. I fortunately have a great job and have put myself on a strict budget, saving 350 from each paycheck. I also try to spend as little as possible so I can also save whatever is leftover from my spending allottment per pay period.
My fiance is a DJ for clubs, bars, weddings, what have you.. and is also collecting unemployment currently after being laid off from his job in radio last year. He says that he will start giving me extra money to save towards the wedding when he starts getting busy in the summer, but he still goes out with his friends and buys clothes and video games and he doesn’t understand that ANYTHING at this point is still helping, and extra 20 dollars a week helps! And honestly I am starting to feel like if I don’t nag him, he will never voluntarily give me anything extra, and additionally I feel like he is relying on the fact that he thinks his parents will help as an excuse to procrastinate about saving. I don’t want to nag him or continually ask for money I just want him to WANT to save on his own and help me. I feel the weight of the whole wedding on my shoulders, and I am worried that what I can contribute on my own will not be enough in the end.
He gets really sensitive and acts like I’m putting too much pressure on him, which makes me afraid to talk to him about it, but the time will catch up to us before we know it and honestly I also feel like he’s conversely putting a lot of pressure on ME because I feel alone in this. He is my best friend and this doesn’t change the fact that I can’t wait to marry him, but I am starting to get a little resentful and it is putting a damper on my excitement about being engaged and about the wedding. What do I do? How do I explain to him that I am not trying to nag him or make the engagement process unenjoyable but I am feeling alone and stressed?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Sit him down and ahve a discussion about your budget as a couple. Make it about the budget first, wedding second. It’s not fair for him to expect you to pay for everything but why are you planning a big wedding if he is currently unemployed? I somewhat understand his hesitation to shell out money for a wedding right now.
Either way, you need to create a budget as a couple. How much do you each make every month and how much do you each pay in bills evrey month. Then calculate what you both can save each month towards the wedding. If he balks, ask him why he does not want to contribute to your wedding since it is for both of you. Maybe he wants to scale back but doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about it.
You need to square away talking about money and budgets now before you get married because one of the major causes of divorce is financial differences (i.e. fighting over money or having different ideas of budgeting.)
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
For contrast, my FH took on an additional job and overtime hours so he could save up more money to pay for our wedding. I didn’t have to ask him and since I am usually the budgeter of the family, I was pleasantly surprised to see how easily he could commit himself to saving up large amounts of money when we need it. It was a huge relief and helped me feel even more comfortable and confident in our marriage.
Post # 5
Wow.. it was my understanding that a wedding is for both of you, and I think both of you should be involved with paying for it!
Personally, if my fi didn’t help out, I would be very annoyed with him. We both want to get married, and although I’m planning it a bit more elaborate than he had imagined, he has never once complained. We immediately take $400 out of each of our checks and buy things or put it aside for the wedding.
I still let fi buy clothes or games and things, but it’s not near as much as it used to be. I think he’s okay with it because its just temporary, we’ll work our butts off and save tons for about 8 months, then we’ll back free of debt and can spend freely again.
Post # 6
Does he know how much money you are personally putting away? Does he see how you are on a strict budget, while he is not? As much as speaking in cliches bothers me, some men are really just clueless…
I don’t hesitate to tell my Fiance that he’s spending too much money on this or that, when we have bills to pay and a wedding to save for. I have also taken to telling him what I’m sacrificing to save…new clothes, a haircut, my favorite snacks, not taking our daughter to the park to save gas, etc. It can come across as bitchy sometimes, but just telling him to save money better doesn’t work. He needs examples! He probably does intend to start saving when business picks up, but he needs to reign it in before that…it’s really hard to stop spending so much money on a regular basis all at once.
Post # 7
@beachbride1216: To clarify, he is not really ‘unemployed’ he is collecting unemployment because he got laid off from his radio job, but he works as a DJ for bars and clubs a few weekends a month and during spring/summer/fall, he works a lot doing weddings, for which he makes about 1200 a night. And I wouldn’t call our wedding ‘big’, probably moderate. I know that his busy season hasn’t started yet, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect him every couple weeks to say, hey I have an extra 50 bucks this month, throw it in the savings account. I definitely make more money and I am totally comfortable knowing that I will end up saving more, but I just don’t want to be the only one saving. And I don’t want him to operate under the theory that he will make more in the summer so he can just wait til then. Every little bit helps!
Post # 8
@JFay: Yea I mean I know he isn’t bringing in as much as I am currently, but where I would go out with my friends and say, you know I am only going to have a drink or two tonight and save an extra 20 bucks that I can add to my savings at the end of the week, he would have those extra drinks and just think that summer is coming and he will be giving me more soon enough. Men are the worst with money!
@jenilynevette: I am not suggesting that Fiance not buy himself anything, I just wish that before he made purchases for himself he would think about cutting back a little and helping me out more (at all). It’s frustrating. 🙁
Post # 9
@LabDarling: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you didn’t want him to purchase things.
I just think that not ever spending a little money on yourself here and there can really be a downer. What’s the point of working your butt off if you don’t get a little reward here and there.
I was merely giving an example, that’s all.
But if he’s purchasing things all too often [things that are more WANTS than NEEDS], then yeah, he needs to buckle down and pitch in.
Post # 10
I agree that you need to have a discussion with him. What are you planning to do with finances once your married – will they still be separate or merged? Being able to talk about money and spending vs saving is super super important for a relationship.
I would also recommend asking him to pay for some specific things. That may be easier for him to wrap his head around rather than just giving you $50 here and there.
Post # 11
@beachbride1216: +1, learn to budget as a couple now, it’s one of the skills that you will need to have a successful marriage. Explain to him how important it is, and he should come around.
Post # 12
Might I sudgest something old school that may help you out.
The wedding jug!
You see this jug and you will want to put in 20 bucks or 10 bucks or a dollar, or change. it stands out and if a physical reminder of what you are saving for.
it may work better the him giving you money in your hand
I also have a savings account to which we dump the money from the jug into on a quarterly basis.
Post # 13
@LabDarling: definitely sit down with him and go over the wedding budget together. keep the wedding budget/account separate. figure out how much you both need to contribute every month and a running total of where you need to be at versus actual every week/month. you need him to verbally agree with these amounts that need to be saved. make sure he understands.
now, put the pen and paper in his hands.
i would then ask him to manage the budget. he is now in charge of making sure that the two of you are putting aside what is necessary every month. how much is saved? is there a variance? plus or minus? sometimes people need to do the math themselves to be able to actually grasp what is expected. (i would still be doing a budget myself on the side).
this excercise may help him not only with the wedding budget but also with the household budget in the future.
Post # 14
you guys need to sit down and discuss (and agree on) both a budget for the wedding, as well as a spending plan.
Post # 15
14 months probably feels really far away to him, which is why he feels like he’s enjoying himself before he needs to start saving.
I think it’s okay for you to be the “budget boss” if he cooperates. It seems like a huge turnabout to just tell him, “Here’s the budget, you fix it!” Plus I know myself, and I could never relinquish control like that to someone who I don’t even trust to save enough for the wedding.
I think you need to estimate how much his parents will contribute, subtract it from the total wedding budget, divide that by 14 months, subtract 350 (or 700 if you get paid monthly) from the monthly value, and say, “this is the amount that we are short by each month if we want to have the wedding paid off by the time we are married, and I want that, and I want you to help us get there.”
I also think this is not the last conversation you will have to have with your future husband about money, so go for it.
Post # 16
Best advice like PP have said, just said him down and maybe go through a line item amount of how much everything is estimated to be, just to give him a reality check of the whole picture.
You’ve still got a lot of time until your wedding and it’s possible that he is looking at it in that respect. My fiance and I have had a long engagement (wedding in May, got engaged last February), and we’ve had our fair share of discussions about money over time. He wasn’t setting much aside, and was betting on his parents just as you say your fiance is, but I am the opposite when it comes to financial planning, and was able to sit him down and really tell him how I felt and he completely understood where I was coming from and began to save more. He was really just eating lunch out 3-4 times a week for work and that tends to add up, so now he comes home and just has a sandwhich.
If you can try to figure out where he is spending the most money, then come up with a reasonable alternative to that, hopefully he will hear you out. If he is constantly spending money on frivalous things, like clothes and video games, find a way to make him realize those aren’t that important in the scheme of things if say, you want to have a nice honeymoon together. Put it in those terms, like, “Oh that $100 you spent at the mall today would have made for a really nice, romantic dinner when we are on our honeymoon.” Something like that. Sometimes guys need to be able to relate A to B and girls have to build the bridge to show them how things correlate.
Also, think about the types of personal expenses he is liable for. My fiances has a lot more personal debt than I do, so it’s easier for me to save, whereas, he has less once all his bills are paid.
One question about him drawing unemployment…is he following the guidelines in reporting the income he makes DJing? Is he applying for the required number of jobs a week and reporting them correctly?