Really hope I'm not the only one who feels like this….

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah, I would stop going to his house and cleaning. That’s his house, he should be responsible for it, not you.

Waiting can be frustrating, but don’t take responsibility for things that you shouldn’t be! Until you live with him and are married, you have no obligation to clean, cook, or otherwise do wifely duties, really. I mean I’m not saying don’t cook for him every once in a while or something, but don’t take on a role that you aren’t in yet. I think it will save you this frustration.

But that’s just my opinion.

I’d get some wine, chocolate, and some friends and have a girl’s night tonight! Do something for yourself tonight.

Member
220 posts
Helper bee

Yes, I feel this way. Its a little more complicated because we do live together and it’s my house and mess too… I work out of town part of the year and am here with him part of the year… sometimes i have this image, in the middle of cooking an elaborate dinner, of just leaving with the clothes on my back, pots simmering away, and getting on a flight out of here. when he texts me to ask me where i am i will just reply… “if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it”. it is sort of one of those flashes that is gone before the thought is fully formed.

i think it is normal to resent doing everything a wife does with none of the status or security. i know i cant deal with it much longer, our come-to-jesus date is somewhere in hopefully the next few weeks or things will get really bad around here… and maybe i will be on that flight for real!!
 

Member
710 posts
Busy bee

I agree with PP.  Stop the wifely behavior until you are a wife.

 

I’ve never felt like this with my SO.  Sometimes I’m frustrated cleaning because I feel like “what’s the point in cleaning this when he’s just going to get it dirty again!” but I suppose that’s good practice for when we have kids, lol.  That and he puts in a lot of effort around the house as well.

 

I would say you’re giving him an easy out and you’re just getting frustrated.  Acting like a wife won’t help your situation.  Good luck!

Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee

I think a healthy way to channel those feelings is to focus more on yourself. For me, I took similar feelings as a wake-up call that I was putting too much into my relationship and not enough into myself. Working on myself has made me feel a whole lot better, and the waiting (mostly)!

Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee

If you’re already acting like his wife then why would he rush to make you one officially? Stop living your life like you’re married and responsible for him, and enjoy being in a relationship and focusing on yourself. He’ll see what he’s missing and may not keep you waiting much longer.

Member
7204 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Why do you clean his house? That’s weird…

Have you read Mr. Bee’s suggestions? It sounds like it’s time for you to focus on you. Your SO will come around when he sees that he can’t “get the milk for free” anymore. 

Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee

@AlwaysSunny:  +1

 

you should only be doing things because you want to and not have to anyway.

Member
518 posts
Busy bee

@Batsygirl:  Clean his house and the bathroom after he ties one on? Are you dating a man or looking after a child?  Visit his mother if you like to spend time with her, and for no other reason.  This is not a relationship; it’s more like you’re a service provider and he’s getting you for free.  You are worth so much more than that.

 

Member
368 posts
Helper bee

I feel like that, too. I feel like a horrible person for thinking that way (that good deeds don’t seem to change anything), but it’s pretty insulting to put a lot into a relationship to just be stuck with some man-child who doesn’t want to grow up haha. Spend your time on you, girl! 

It sounds like you are doing nice things for SO because that is the kind of person you are. You deserve to have your time and efforts be appreciated. Maybe taking a break from helping him with his responsibilities will be a wake up call that he can’t keep getting the milk for free.

Member
2518 posts
Sugar bee

I disagree with PP in that I think it’s sweet of you to clean his house and visit his mom. It’s just the nice thing to do (like when SOs bring home flowers or give you back rubs). I don’t think this is something that you should not do just because you aren’t his wife yet.

That said, I think you should feel free to stop doing these things if you’re feeling underappreciated. Better yet, you should communicate to him that you’re feeling this way. Simply ceasing your kind behavior to spite him seems a little passive-aggressive and unproductive to me (though, I totally understand how frustrated you must feel).

You seem like a kind person, and I hope you find the appreciation from SO that you obviously deserve.

 

Member
6405 posts
Bee Keeper

I wouldn’t go over to his house to clean it.

Before we lived together, the extent of me cleaning at his house would be doing the dishes after eating the meal he cooked for us, or doing the bed in the morning (about as often as he did it). Then again, I expect FI to do his fair share around the house (which he does), but even if we were planning for me to be the housewife, that would wait until we had our home together.

Member
710 posts
Busy bee

OP and ladies.. if you’re doing something to get a ring quicker.. stop it. if you want to be helpful and clean or visit his mom do it because its what you want to do to make his life easier and to be sweet. you shouldn’t do anything to get a ring quicker. all its going to do is make you resentful.

 

Member
4693 posts
Honey bee

@bbsoon2be:  Agreed… this is definitely a time when open communication should be happening about those feelings of under-appreciation. His response to that should decide how you move forward, either giving him a chance to be more appreciative, or stopping the cleaning and stuff altogether. 

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I'm so frustrated :(

Kind of a TMI question…

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