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Holy crap! Talk about uncalled for. Ok...
1. Under no circumstances should you allow this girl to be in your wedding.
2. If she continues to make references about being "black out drunk", I would seriously reconsider even inviting her. I worry what she would say at your wedding if she had the balls to post that bullshit on FB.
3. If it were me, I wouldn't even hesitate to say something to her about the comment. That is rude, cruel and CRAZY. This is something that I would not get over too easily, regardless of her mental issues.
Yikes.
I'm sure she meant it to be funny... it just fell flat.
I'd probably just write back something like "don't hold your breath" and let it go.
Well for one, don't have her be a bridesmaid. She will just make your life miserable through all the planning, and puts her in a prime spot to potentially ruin your day or photos. To keep her from getting drunk at the wedding, tell the bartender to cut people off, or put a mutual friend in charge of keeping tabs on her.
As for the facebook comment, I would probably be upfront about it. Maybe PM her with, I'm not sure what you intended with this comment, but I find it offensive and distasteful. I would appreciate if you didn't say things like this again.
What she said was very rude and hurtful, regardless of any issues she is having or opinions she has of dating and marriage.
If it were me I would call her and tell you that what she said was inappropriate and upset you, it might turn out she just made a very bad taste joke or it might bring up other issues. I would bring up her comments about being black out drunk and just talk it all out so then at least you know she knows exactly how you feel.
And don't feel like you shouldn't be upset because it was on facebook, what she said was wrong and you have every right to be upset by it (I've been through very similiar situations)
not gunna lie... I would cry if someone wrote something like that on a post. That is totally uncalled for!
I think you definitely need to write her a message calmly explaining that that was not ok at all and she needs to take a look at how she is behaving to people. I don't even know if I would be able to get over that
If I were you I'de call her and ask her the the F is her problem. I don't care what your situation is the comment was uncalled for and brutal. She sounds bitter and resentful of your happiness.
Do not allow this girl to be a bridesmaid. What if she said that out loud at your wedding? Also, if all she wants to do is get drunk at your intimate affair I'de reconsider whether or not I want to subject all the rest of my guests to such an unhappy soul.
I'm sorry she said that to you. That was mean and hurtful and I hope she realizes that,
If you're interested in keeping the friendship, then I would tell her tactfully (without making judgements or attacking back I mean) that you found her comments to be hurtful. It doesn't have to be a big deal- just tell her that you're not sure why she said what she did but that it hurt your feelings because you and your fiance love each other and are looking forward to your wedding day. This puts the ball in her court, leaving it up to her to apologize- if she doesn't, then you can assess where you want your friendship to go from there. I think it's important that she know how hurtful her comment was to you or else it may build up resentment and distrust.
It sounds like she was probably going through a depressive episode and didn't think clearly about what she was writing. This doesn't give her any excuse for what she said, but if you talk to her about how hurtful it was, she may look back on it and realize how horrible her comment was and offer you an apology.
Either way, I would definitely not make her a bridesmaid. You really want fully supportive friends by your side on your wedding day, and if she's still sorting through her emotional problems, she can't really be there for you on that day.
I think you need to address it with her (privately...even if it's just through a message) and let her know that some of the things she's been saying, are rubbing you the wrong way. See if she apologizes...if she doesn't, I would probably take a break from her for a while. She might just be acting out, from jealousy or family issues, but that's no reason for her to take it out on you. Even if she was just joking, you deserve an apology. I know that I personally would feel TERRIBLE if I unintentionally hurt a friend's feelings trying to be funny. If she doesn't see what she's doing wrong, she might not be the kind of person you want at your wedding.
wow. I love SaphireSun's idea.. nip these sort of comments immediately. I think the "don't hold your breath" remark is an appropriate response to make a clear point, which is basically - get over it or keep it to yourself. I've had someone say something like this to me too. Just keep in mind that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how she is feeling about herself.
That's an awful thing to say. I agree with PPs that you should talk to her or PM her about it and let her know it was hurtful and you don't appreciate it. I also agree that you should not have her as a bridesmaid at this point. If things change (she apologizes, changes her tune, etc.), then maybe...but if it were me, I'd be afraid she'd end up doing something to ruin the day for me. Even if she did apologize for the FB comment, she's still got her plan to get "blackout drunk," and that's a recipe for disaster.
Also, just wanted to say, I love your avatar! Pugs are adorable, and I am kind of a Star Wars nerd, so bonus points to you for that. Love it!
My cousin is bipolar as well. We were very close untill 3 years ago...she had a fit, assaulted her boyfriend, got arrested and missed her hair appt for her own brothers wedding, she was a bridesmaid.
I asked her to be my MOH the first time seeing her in 3 years, assuming she had calmed down/grown up. She's ill, she doesn't take medicine or therapy. I then decided I just wouldn't deal with any bridesmaids, so she's no longer my MOH.
I am not inviting her to get ready with me and I told her she'll need to stay at a hotel as my parents will have too much going on to host her. She's 23 and comes and burdens us all weeks at a time. I am NOT allowing her negativity near me. She'll be at the wedding, that is all.
I would suggest you do the same with this girl. Keep civil, but keep your distance. I'm sure her mental illness is what made her want to say that, but she still should have known better.
My cousin pointed to a picture of some of my closest friends and said "how can people like that get married and have babies? They're not even cute". I snapped, told her she was being a bitch and I drove an hour back to my place and didn't see her again.
If you ever need to talk more about what it's like having a bi-polar bridesmaid/ex-bridesmaid/will always be there friend/family PM me. It's freaking TOUGH work putting up with all their shit.
I can see how that would hurt your feelings!
It sounds like your friend has some things going on with her. It could be possible that she doesn't have much of a filter at this time if she is having issues with her meds and family (and add stress of the holidays). It may be that she has limited impluse control, hence the lashing out and making comments about being wasted at the wedding.
Also, keep in mind that even though she says she is going to get "blackout" drunk, there is also the possibility that she won't.
Recently I chose to let go of a long time friend due to her constant hurtful comments. It sucks, but you know what, life is WAY to short to keep negative people in your life. What this girl said to you is absolutely terrible and there is NO excuse for it, meds or not. What a mean and immature "friend". If I was you I'd drop the friendship and only keep those in your life that love and respect you for the wonderful person that I'm sure you are! Even if she appoligizes, for me, the friendship would be destroyed. And saying she's going to be blackout drunk at the wedding? I don't think I'd even give her the benefit of the doubt that she may just be blowing smoke. I think if she's capable of hurting you with a comment like that after all those years of friendship, then she's capable of ruining the wedding too.
I'm so sorry :( That is such an awful comment and completely uncalled for on your friend's part. Having a mental illness is not an excuse to be rude and hurtful.
I'm so sorry! Like others said, you definitely don't have to downplay what she said just because it was on Facebook. It seems like friendship will be very one-sided from now on, with you being burdened and trying to help her and her lashing out at you in return. If she's this pissy now, she's not going to get any better with time as you and your FI (then husband!), start your lives together and she sees you're not getting divorced.
If you salvage the friendship, I would be very careful about not letting her into your life too much. I think she's only going to keep hurting you, and you seem like a really nice person.
WOW that was just wrong on so many levels...and then to expect to be a BM is asking for too much. Don't have her in the wedding and sorry but you SHOULD address it. Find a way that would be best to talk to her about, if she doesn't get it then tell her you are sorry, but you don't want her to be a part of your wedding. I'm sure it's rough, but do what makes you and him happy.
I'd be pissed too, and was when someone said something like that to my face a few weeks ago before we are even engaged. It was one of my mom's friends...so she told my mom that she was sorry she didn't mean to upset me and was only joking. I said things like that SHOULD NEVER be joked about.
I think asking her to be a bridesmaid would just be ASKING for trouble.
Also, I don't think it's fair to make excuses for people who have bi-polar disorder. She knew was she was saying. There are plenty of people out there who have bi-polar disorder and know better...I would not have someone who says such hurtful things in my wedding.
I don't know how much good it can do to ignore her, either. I would be upfront with her. Tell her that she hurt your feelings and make her accountable for her actions! I would also let her know that if she plans on being 'black-out' drunk at your wedding she can plan on not being invited. I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh, but nipping this in the bud now would make sure there weren't more issues later. It sucks that a close friend of yours is even putting you in this position. Good luck!
"Also, I don't think it's fair to make excuses for people who have bi-polar disorder. She knew was she was saying. There are plenty of people out there who have bi-polar disorder and know better...I would not have someone who says such hurtful things in my wedding."
What this PP said (I have a LOT of experience with bipolar individuals) but also I would recommend having a one-on-one conversation with her - not email, not FB pm, or any other such impersonal method of communication. You need to make sure this was her disease talking before you can decide what the status of your friendship should be. If so and she admits that it was the bipolar talking, then you should be there for her throughout her getting her meds right and her family issues because that is what friends are for, but do make it clear that you will only be there for her as a friend during this hard time in her life if she acts like a friend to you and that what she said was really hurtful. I can't decide whether you should address the blackout drunk comment. BP people tend to self-medicate when their meds aren't right and I think that is something you won't be able to directly control. I second whoever said you should have someone just keep an eye on her at the wedding.
Oh, and do not disinvite her. That is extremely harsh and would be insensitive on your part. One comment from someone who is a good friend going through a lot of bad stuff herself does not warrant ending a friendship by not inviting her. You need to have a personal conversation with her and see where her head is at before you make any big decisions like that.
Wow-- that is so rude! I know it is difficult dealing with friends who have severe mental problems. I would just ignore her right now, and if she tries to talk to you again, you should (calmly) bring up the fact that what she said was hurtful to you and your FI. I had a coworker say something similar to me and even though I didn't call her out, I've never forgotten what she said (and she is definitely not invited to my wedding or any wedding-related parties). Some people are envious of your relationship and can't stand to see you happy when they're depressed and lonely. If you truly want to salvage this relationship, you should bring up how it hurt your feelings next time she talks to you. A true friend, even one with bipolar disorder, will apologize for hurting your feelings. Then you both can move on.
As for the getting blackout drunk, I dunno... I'm in my early 20s and a few of my friends have told me how excited they are about getting drunk at my wedding. I'm just like uhhh ok well please don't embarass me?
Thanks so much everyone. Your support and advice was really helpful.
Today the friend in question messaged me about something unrelated and I mentioned that I found the comments to be very hurtful and inappropriate. She apologized and tried to explain that she was joking around. I certainly won't be inviting her to be a bridesmaid and I'm not sure about the intimate wedding, but she will be invited to the casual reception back home unless something like this happens again.
If she mentions the blacking out thing again, I will also address that. I'm just glad my wedding is far enough away that I can figure this out before then.
Thanks again!!!
holy crap! if she's rooting for yall to have a divorce before you even get married then that is NOT a friend. and the "black-out drunk" comment is also uncalled for. i wouldn't even invite her to the wedding. No matter how "bi-polar" she is she has NO exuse to say hurtful things like that she's an adult, and she has to be responisble for her own actions and words. wait for her to talk to you, when she talks to you, in an adult, calm way explain that it was an extremly inapproaite coment, and it hurt you and FI's feelings, and you deserve an apology (b/c both you AND your FI deserve an apology from her). if she won't offer an apology, then seriously think about why you're even "friends" with someone so hurtful. friends build each other up, not tear each other down.
good lord, as if you don't have ENOUGH things to stress about with your upcoming wedding??? She sounds like a horrible "friend". I would absolutely not speak to her ever again - what reason do you have to even attempt to be friends with her if this is how she's going to treat you? Honestly, even if she really did feel as though you and your FI arent' meant to be, a true friend would keep her mouth shut!!! Drop her ASAP
I'm going to come at this from a different angle, because everyone else has said really good things on the emotional front.
Don't invite her to your wedding because she is a serious liability.
She's already unstable and on medication. If she gets blackout drunk and goes out and kills or hurts someone in a car, or drowns in the bathtub, the family of the people she hurts or kills or her own family can sue you - and they can win - most especially because you knew about her problems and her plans to get blackout drunk. Lawsuits like this are brought to court all the time, and you'd be surprised how often they work for the plaintiffs.
This is the truth, and it is also your handiest excuse when she wants to know why she wasn't invited. Never mind how inappropriate it is socially or emotionally; if you don't want to get into it, you can just say "Your threat to get blackout drunk seemed like a dangerous liability that our insurance wouldn't begin to cover. I'm sorry. We just couldn't afford it."
@fancypants: Wow, that is an awful thing to say. One time my mom told me she can't wait for me to get married, have kids, then get divorced.... I was so hurt because it was like she wanted me to follow in her footsteps, as in I should aspire to that. So hurtful :(
You're not going to get anywhere with her by ignoring her. You need to talk to her. Even if that was said in jest, you need to clear the air and let her know that what she said really hurt you. You should also talk to her about being "blackout drunk" at your wedding. If she's serious about that, I wouldn't even invite her. I would also not have her be a bridesmaid.
@fancypants: So funny (not "funny ha-ha", funny ironic) that you are dealing with your bi-polar friend's hurtful actions because I am going through the EXACT same thing at the moment. Except I made my friend my MOH, which we have already decided she CANNOT handle right now (she MISSED the first day I EVER tried on wedding dresses, and lied about why she couldn't be there, repeatedly....just one of the big issues as of late that really hurt my feelings).
I have to tell myself on a daily basis to be patient with her. I am trying to be understanding about her illness, and also learn more about it. (I just recently got a really good book about bi-polarism. It's called An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison) She is going through the same trial and error medicine regimine and I know the side effects for most of her meds so far have been less than pleasant.
One of the big things with this illness is the need for attention (during highs, or lows) and also the selfishness. I try not to take things that are said or done quite so personal anymore, even though it is VERY difficult to do so. If my BF says something that hurts my feelings or is being low, I try to call her on it (not in an agressive way), and let her know how that made me feel. Usually she meant it a different way, or she didn't even realize what she said hurt me and she would immediately apologize.
Good luck with this issue. For me it will be an on-going struggle, just as it is for my BF. But in the end I guess you have to ask yourself, is it too much of a struggle, and if you want to even try to salvage this friendship. In my case, I definitely do.
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A little background: I moved about 7 hours away from my hometown but I am still close with my best friends from back home. One of my friends from childhood has some issues with being bipolar and is VERY moody, but currently getting help for all of that. I know she's having some issues with her meds and family right now, she was always squeamish about dating/marriage, but that's no excuse for what she said online!
I had posted a semi-sweet post on FI's wall, nothing too saccharine. This "friend" of mine commented on the status, "I can't wait until you two are divorced and miserable." WTF?!
Regardless of any mood disorder she has, she's got to know that is a totally unacceptable thing to even joke around about. I am not sure how to approach this situation. FI knows her well (in fact we sort of met through her) and he said I shouldn't talk to her until she apologizes. I do think that an apology is in order, but I am not sure if I should tell her how hurt/offended I am or if I should just ignore her until she apologizes on her own (I'm not even sure she'd get that I'm ignoring her for a reason though!).
Furthermore, she keeps saying how she's going to be "blackout drunk" at my wedding etc. This is confusing to me because she keeps hinting that she wants to be a BM (we haven't decided yet if we are going to have a bridal party) and came with me to pick out a wedding dress. Now, I am having an intimate ceremony/reception where I live now (I think it will be mostly immediate family, but I would have potentially invited her since we are lifelong friends) and a casual reception back home (which everyone will be invited to).
Oy vay. Any thoughts or advice bees? I am trying not to let a facebook comment get me too upset but this was a little too snarky for me.