- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2013
I just need to get this out there. It’s going to be a long one!
I have been with my fiancé for 3 years. When we met I knew he was a game changer. He is honestly amazing. He is the most handsome guy I’ve ever been in a LTR with, he is ambitious and makes very good money, my family ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY ADORES him, everyone who meets him loves him because he has a great personality. When we are good, and I’m not annoying him L, he treats me like a princess. He is in a sort of freelance work and makes a ton of money (not trying to brag, just trying to explain) We therefore live an incredibly unique lifestyle that allows us to return back to my hometown for extended periods of time because we can take off time or can work from our computers. However, most of the time we live in his hometown, which I do not like at all. I have 1 friend here, absolutely no family here. I REALLY want to move back to my hometown. I miss my close-knit family so much. My sister and my mom are my best friends.. I miss them so much I could cry. I’m 27 years old. Anyway..
I love him. I really do. However, there have been some issues lately. Well I would say for a year or so.
- I have a lot of hair on my body and he makes me feel really bad about it. Like, on my upper lip and chin. He has spent a ton of money trying to get me the latest and greatest hair removal products and it’s just embarrassing. The hair doesn’t bother me much..it’s not dark hair, just like, light peach fuzz hair..but he HATES it. Sometimes I just catch him staring at it L It makes me feel really bad because I have NEVER had a guy try to change something about me physically…ever. I told him recently it hurt my feelings and he said that he has a lot of money and that it doesn’t make sense that I don’t have access to the best that money can buy. He flat out said he doesn’t like it and in so many words, that is grosses him out. TBH, I wouldn’t mind getting rid of my hair long term because I guess I would prefer it not to be there (but again don’t pay too much attention to it) but it hurts that he tries relentlessly to do that. He also ALWAYS suggests I get facials. Like… ALWAYS. He says I have nice skin (Like when he is telling me what he loves about me physically) but I think the real reason is because usually when I get a facial, I more often than not get I get a lip and chin wax and then a soothing facial. So he wants me to get a facial so I get a wax.
- I’m a little overweight. This isn’t really bad and he’s actually pretty supportive of me. He bought me an expensive elliptical so I could get in shape (completely 100% at my request) and even though I’m trying to lose weight I still like treats and he still definitely buys me treats without me asking. Essentially, I know although he would probably like me to lose weight, he loves me as I am.
- He doesn’t include me in big decisions. This is probably the biggest thing. Like, big money-making life-changing decisions. He recently decided to go into business with his father. I literally had no say in this. My family is all in a business together back home and I have seen first-hand that family businesses are not always great. Also, the kicker is his would be his father doing none of the work, just letting him use a property he already owns and doesn’t us. The upfront cost would be about 60,000.00 of my fiancés money, which he has more than that in savings but it’s scary to think of all that. His dad stands to profit off of it by doing nothing; all because my fiancé has some sort of annoying issue with impressing his dad. It’s incredibly frustrating.
- He has a dad complex. His parents divorced when he was 5 and he seems like he wants to impress his dad. His dad is a huge d-bag and is mostly nice to me but sometimes really rude and obnoxious. He is also really rude to fiancé and my fiancé’s step mom (his wife) at times. He is what I call a functioning alcohol and pill abuser. It seems like fiancé is trying desperately to impress his dad in many ways (too many to list here) and his dad just sees fiancé as big $$$ signs because he is always asking for stuff. I feel this new business is going to create a ton of stress and resentment for me.
- My fiancé always told me, from day 1, we could move back to my hometown. Now he is saying he wants to buy a piece of property in his hometown instead RIGHT NEXT TO HIS DADS PROPERTY!!!!!! The kind of property that wouldn’t be paid off right away..like a 30 year mortgage type. My hometown is one of the most expensive places in America so moving back there would ALSO take a HUGE amount of savings. So, he essentially he told me tonight it may be possible that we will not move back to my hometown for at least 10-20 years. The problem is when we first started dating he swore up and down that he wanted to move back to my hometown because HE too lived there and he missed it desperately. It is one of the big reasons I allowed myself to fall for him because I was in school when we met and had every intention of moving home after I graduated, and refused to get serious with anyone because I didn’t want any ties here. However, he was amazing and said he would love to move back. I feel like I was completely misled L
- A big problem in our relationship is that I feel like he doesn’t fight fair. He never understands what I am trying to say and ALWAYS gets mad at me if I bring up something that is bothering me. He is incredibly defensive.
- He makes me feel bad for my flaws. For example, I have been to known to have an extremely bad temper in the past. I, as well as everyone in my family, have told him how much I have changed (I mean I used to be SUPER angry and I am SOOO much better about it… It’s actually something I’m truly proud of.) But he can’t even deal with me even if I’m REMOTELY angry. I feel like I have no wiggle room L I am so proud that I was able to conquer such a flaw in myself (and I did this a few years before meeting him so it’s not like he ever knew the “Angry me”) but I’m not perfect and I’m not always going to be able to control it. (FYI: My anger is basically I sometimes swear at him. I sometimes hang up on him when he makes me mad. I leave the room if he is getting mad at me. Maybe twice in the last year I have screamed at him. I have never hit him, I have never thrown anything.) I really wonder if I need to be with someone who can handle me a little better L I really think he is way too sensitive sometimes. He also thinks I’m a terrible communicator and that I do not know “how to talk to him.” He is probably right about this.. If I could learn “how to talk to him” it would probably avoid quite a few fights but I feel like a strong part of me would slowly die. He is definitely an ALPHA MALE all the way and I am definitely an ALPHA FEMALE.
Here’s another thing… and this is the hardest thing to type. See, I really feel he is it for me. Before him I was independent. I treated guys as just a fun past-time. I have had serious relationships in the past and have lots of experience but he was my game changer. I imagined marrying him a few months in. I cannot imagine living without him. I cannot imagine living without our dog. I feel physically ill when I think about him with someone else. To imagine another girl in my bed with him if we were to break up; it just makes me feel awful.
The deep-rooted problem here is that I’m depressed. I really am. For too many reasons to list here..some related to him (mostly his lack of desire to move to my hometown) as well as many reasons that do not involve him at all. He knows it, because I have told him, and so do I. I saw a therapist last year for it but didn’t go back because I am generally a very busy person and I couldn’t find the time. Sadly, and this makes me cry, but I truly think I would probably commit suicide if we were to break up. It makes me SO absolutely sad to say that and admit that to anyone, even anonymously, and I can’t believe that I have been reduced to feeling that way. I would never tell him that because I don’t want him to stay with me because he is scared I will kill myself; I just know if I can’t be happy with him, I will never find someone to be happy with. I have told him countless times I would be more than okay if we broke up (I am incredibly proud and stubborn) but I know it’s an empty lie and that there is no way in hell I would be okay. Even my mom, who knows me and loves me so much, has expressed to me that my fiancé is a really good man for me, and that I should really try to make things work with him. So, if I can’t make things work with him I don’t think they will work with anyone. I know I need to see a therapist. I am actually looking up one online as I type this. I know my suicidal thoughts are wrong.
I really just wanted to type this up so I could get it all out and now I’m deciding to post it if someone is bored, wants to read it all, and offer any advice for me. I would love to hear from anyone who has lived somewhere they didn’t want to so they could be with their boyfriend, fiancé or husband, especially when they wanted to live near their own family. I would also love to hear from anyone who has been in a relationship and maybe share some ways they fight with their significant other or flaws to maybe put my relationship flaws into perspective. I just don’t know if these flaws are deal-breakers or not.. I just don’t know. Does your fiancé or husband dislike a physical part of you and try to change it?
Also, I want to say that my fiancé tells me that he doesn’t want to break up with me and that he loves me. He also treats me really well when I am happy. When I am sad, he gets mad at me because he is SO happy and SO positive and believes that happiness is a choice and why can’t I just be happy. I know he doesn’t know how to handle me when I am sad and it upset him to see me that way. When I first told him I was depressed (again I am a PROUD person and he probably had no idea) he cried because he was so upset. He gives me massages all the time, does sweet things for me, buys me flowers all the time, listens to me, makes an effort, stands up for me, he literally pays all of our bills, he takes care of me and he loves to do it.. He’s just a good partner. He really is.
I just don’t know if our problems are normal and I know that no relationship is perfect. I am probably just being dramatic. I just don’t know if the issues (the dad issue, the misleading idea that he would move home with me in a few years vs 10-20 years!) are dealbreakers and if we are just not suited for eachother because we are seeking different things or want to live in completely different states.
As far as our wedding goes – We have only put down about 3000.00 towards the wedding which isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things and it’s all been his money. The wedding is in less than 6 months.