(Closed) Really long post… Not sure about my fiance…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

@SadandLostBee:  Wow.  You are a human doing, not a human being.

He loves you but you have to be happy all the time, have your facial hair removed, and let him renege on promises.  It saddens me that you’re depressed but what troubles me even more is that you’re “too busy” to see a mental health professional.  And girl, I think you need to see one. Suicide ideation is not something you casually slip into a conversation.

As far as the business enterprise that he’s embarked on, he can do whatever he wants with his money. Just because your family has suffered problems doing business together doesn’t mean that it will be that way with him and his father.

You don’t mention if you’re working currently but I get the impression that he is supporting you financially. Am I wrong in my assumption?

This post is way too complicated and scattered to address on a forum board. I think you really need to sit down with a professional and try to get some help identifying how you really feel. You can live without this man if you need to, but right now it sounds as though you are greatly confused, depressed and alone, and have no idea what you should be doing.

Good luck with sorting things out; I hope you’ll be feeling better soon 🙂

Post # 4
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think that if you are having doubts about your fiance then you shouldn’t be marrying him.  Work out the kinks or go your separate ways, but you shouldn’t marry someone you aren’t sure of for whatever reason.

Post # 5
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I didn’t read your entire post, but if there are this many problems, I probably wouldn’t stick around.

Post # 6
Member
16 posts
Newbee

I think it is essential that you make time for counseling to address your depression issues, then when you are in a healthier state of mind take another look at the concerns you are having about your relationship. So sorry you are going through such a hard time, you certainly have a lot to deal with.

Post # 7
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

After I read the bullet points, I couldn’t read anymore. I was too exhausted.

This guy sounds like a nightmare.

He would hate me and my pervasive facial hair problem.

Of course I make sure I don’t have a beard or some shit, but being half German and half Italian isn’t all pasta and schnitzel, okay?

Post # 8
Member
2270 posts
Buzzing bee

A couple of the issues aren’t even issues with him, like being a little overweight. That’s your issue and he seems supportive, but not bothersome about it. I also don’t see the facial hair thing as an issue. If you think about it, he is right. There is no need for you to have that hair. It would be nice if he could just accept it and not be worried about it at all, but it does bother him. Sometimes we can’t choose how to feel. The fact that it bothers him and you two can afford to have it gone isn’t that big of an issue. Why not get electrolysis or just schedule regular facials? Loads of women would love regular facials.

His father does seem like a big issue. Have you talked to him about it? You’d be surprised how many women quietly brood about things without ever telling their spouse, and view the issue as a big problem. Give him a chance to fix it.

Not moving back to your hometown is clearly a big problem. Since you can work from home, why not get a vacation in your hometown and visit every couple weeks?

As for your depression and fear that you’d kill yourself if you two broke up, you need to talk to a therapist about it. You need to gain tools to come out of the depression and you need to get yourself out of the mindset that you’d never find love again. I know the feeling because I was suicidal after a breakup with my first love. I feel like I would have killed myself, but then my 14 year old sister died from an asthma attack, and I knew I couldn’t do that to my dad. However, I was trapped in a horrible depression after having lost my first love, moving from my hometown and leaving my school and friends behind, and then having my healthy sister die out of nowhere. You’d be surprised how resilient people really are. Fast forward to now and I am with the love of my life and we’re getting married on our 10 year anniversary : )

You two have some hurdles to overcome but none of it seems like something that can’t be dealt with. Good luck.

 

Post # 9
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Your post made me sad for you. Everyone has flaws-physical flaws, mental flaws, personality flaws. I know I have a ton of flaws. My husband is well aware of all of my flaws, but he doesn’t hold them over my head. He makes me feel like I am perfect. I can be really insecure sometimes but when I’m with him I feel like a goddess. Your flaws are part of the package of who you are and he should not make you feel bad about yourself.

Post # 11
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Torrid:  I can recommend the best, fascist way to get rid of your facial hair! 😉 (Get it? Fascist? Fastest?? German??? Italian???!!! nevermind…)

 

 

@SadandLostBee:  It sounds like you guys need to talk, and soon! Big ticket items being decided by him with no input from you? A part of you “disgusts” him? He misled you about where you’d spend the future? These things are not easy to get over. Definitely defintely open up communication, and there is nothing wrong with seeking a counselor’s advice to facilitate it.

Post # 12
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I read the entire post! 

Honestly it seems like you need couple’s counseling and he needs to go. I went to couple counseling through my FI & I’s church for about 8 weeks and in that time our relationship changed, strengthened and I got to see an objective side to my FI that I never saw before. He changed too, he can talk to me without having an argument and he can understand his own emotions or my emotions, he is a much better communicator. The couselor will bring the best out of you two. 

He seems like a good guy actually, I really believe he seems like a good person, but maybe you two are not ready to get married yet. I would suggest pushing your wedding back, go see a couselor and strengthen yourself, strengthen your relationship with your FI so when you two are both confident in your relationship again, and you feel like you personally have changed for the better (meaning your desperate thoughts about possibly breaking up/suicide.) then you two should get married! But it does not seem like you two are quite there yet. 

He should have talked to you about the investment with father, you need to have a serious talk about staying or moving back to your hometown. There are a few red flags in your post that is in your relationship that need to be worked, they NEED to be worked out before you get married, these are feelings if you don’t nip in the bud now will grow dangerous weeds in your marriage and these red flags aren’t worth the trouble. 

Good luck~

Post # 13
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

The only comment I have is that you should know that life can and will go on if things don’t work out between you two. I was in a long relationship with a guy who I LIVED for. I never thought in a million years that I’d ever find happiness again with someone else after things ended. I was pretty down for a long time. But… Low and behold, I met my now fiancé and my life changed. I am so much more happy than i could have ever imagined. Trust me, at 27, you have so much more life to live. Please think about your mom and sister anytime you even think about hurting yourself. Your entire life has so much more purpose than one relationship. Love between a couple is only one type. Life is also about love between a parent and a child, and a sibling, cousin, friend, etc… Focus on those relationships if this one doesnt work out. Hope this helps!

Post # 14
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

Wow, I’m sorry this is so hard and especially confusing for you. All the problems that you have talked about are workable. Distance, annoying father, fights, (although his criticism of your facial hair is just weird! What’s up with that?) but something else just seems a little strange. What jumped out at me most was what you said:

If I could learn “how to talk to him” it would probably avoid quite a few fights but I feel like a strong part of me would slowly die.

It sounds like the connection between you has gotten broken or hurt sometime along the way. If part of you is slowly dying from talking to him, then what you seem to be saying is that what it would take to smooth the waters means repressing part of yourself.

I can’t give you specific advice, but I heartily encourage you to talk to a good counsellor. If a counsellor isn’t helping, go to another! These problems are workable, but his thing about your face is weird and the depression you are feeling (the anger at him too?) may be symtomatic of deeper problems in the relationship that a counsellor will be able to see and help you with the best.

I wish you all the best!

Post # 15
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Just the suicidal ideation and low self-worth issues, esp tied to a partner, concern me. No, they scare me. I really hope you seek treatment to work though this. You will feel so much better when you can value yourself in and out of a relationship. You two should be partners supporting one another, and it doesn’t sound at all like that’s the case.

Post # 16
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@StuporDuck:  You SLAY me! Now if you could just shave me.

Haha. 😉

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