- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
I guess I’m more or less venting but I welcome thoughts, too. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to you about this at any real length as it involves the very person I would normally go to with somthing this large. Since our engagement I have been trying to lean more on my FI but that is an adjustment I haven’t fully mastered as before him I relied heavily on girlfriends or was quite independent. ANYWAY…here’s the deal:
I have known a very close friend for about 5 years. Let’s call her Mary. We were exceptionally close and I really valued our friendship. I counted myself lucky. There was no doubt when my special time came she would at the very least be a BM but I had always wanted her as MOH. We never talked extensively about it but it was something I just felt I knew.
When I met my FI she was beyond excited for me. When she met him she said she knew we would marry. She was supportive of our relationship and was there for me if we hit any rough patches. 5 months after we met, my now FI said he wanted to start looking at e-rings. I was BEYOND excited. I had been engaged before and it was an awful, painful experience.I never got a ring then, even though we started planning the wedding. That was many years ago and I worked so hard to better myself for the right partner and now that he came I was stoked to start ring shopping. Knowing all of my history, she was naturally the first person I told. Her response was flat, at best. Then I told my mom and she wasn’t very kind either, but that’s another post. We aren’t close at all and it’s very hard between us. So that day was really tough for me on both accounts. No matter…I pressed on.
Since that day in August I told her, she has been incredibly distant. We used to talk or text daily and it all pretty much stopped..especially in regards to anything ring or engagement related. I thought it was because she was going through a very hard break up herself that devestated her…she wanted to marry him and have babies and he wanted none of it. Of course I had sensitivity for her but I also felt I was entitled to my own happiness. I was totally confident that I was not bringing up my happy time too much and made as much time as I could to hear her and be there for her. But she literally shut me out. I was confused and even asked her. She assured me nothing was wrong. But it still continued.
The night FI bought the ring, she was the first and only person I called. She was my BFF…ya know? She didn’t answer so I left a message. No response. Nothing. I was crushed. She just never responded. She even went as so far as to text about other things the next day…but nothing about my ring.
FI proposed on 12-12 and that night, while totally wonderful was also pretty painful regarding her. Everyone else was so excited for us. She was the first person I called and she didn’t pick up. I also sent a text. Hours later she said she just got the message but she would call me when dinner was over. I said sure thing. I waited for about 2 hours and she never called. I was crushed…again. My FI thought it was insnae what she did but I took up for her..thinking there had to be a good reason. Well, it turns out there wasn’t. She just chose not to call. However, she DID manage to post on Facebook, on my status of being engaged, that “You are officially a grown-up!”. I am 35. She’s 36. I don’t know where it came from but both I and others felt it was really, really odd. I did tell her it hurt that she never called and her response was she was going through a lot with her recovering from her bad relationship and she was doing her best. Well, that was her second reason. Her first was that she thought FI and I were having engagement “relations” and she didn’t want to interrupt. I thought that was odd too. She even sarcastically said to me that had she known he was proposing she would have set time aside to give me attention/congratulations. Hello…no one knew he was proposing. I told her I felt that was unfair. Nothing was resolved really…even after a phone convo and her requesting to see my ring. I felt she had to one up me by sending a pic of an e-ring that a family memeber of hers was going to propose with. Like she couldn’t just let it be my moment.
In Dec was the last time we spoke until last Sat. I felt she needed space to get over whatever it was she may have been going through and I wanted to respect that. I wanted very much to still be friends but she was virtually non-existent.She went on a very long trip and I guess once she was back and realized I hadn’t reached out to her, maybe she was wondering why. She emailed me on Facebook and I was surprised. I thought about what to say and decided to be nice and friendly but honest. I told her I was hurt with some things she had done since August. Her response? That she was doing the best she could with all the grieving in her past boyfriend. She had the nerve to say she was sad I hadn’t been there for her. I was stunned. I felt like all I did was call and text and there was never a response. She did say that she shut me out because she didn’t want her sadness to affect my happy time. I explained that because of that I didn’t know how to reach her because she never called me back or responded to very much…especially if it had to do with my relationship. So many people told me all this was because she was jealous or sad because she wasn’t married, etc. but I don’t know if that’s true. Or maybe I just didn’t want that to be true.
ANYWAY… we did email back and forth but nothing about it felt real. She sounded fake and just didn’t seem interested in resolving much. Only to tell me that she needed a loving and compassionate friend. No wondering about my wedding. Engagement. Nothing much. She just stated she needed someone b/c of all the grief and to let her know how she could help me.
I decided to try to take the high road and reached out to her and asked her how things were for her. She went on and on about how she is still trying to let go of ex and while she’s seeing someone that is totally head over heels for her in love, she’s “trying to get there”. I did share some job struggles I was having, very careful to focus on her and not on my wedding stuff. Again, she asked nothing.
Well today, I get an email that her and this man that is in love with her but she is “trying to get there”, who she has known less than 3 months are having a baby. She found out 1 day ago that she is 4 weeks along. Lot of exclamation points, lots of excitement. A baby is the only thing she wanted in this world, so I know she’s happy but it all felt fake too. Like she was trying to force herself to exclaim how amazing her life is now, when yesterday she was low and passion-less, trying to get over her ex.
I am so hurt because for all the times during my happy time she could have been there she chose not to…whatever her reasons. And now that she’s having a baby she’s beyond stoked and I could tell she expected me to be the same. The truth is, I’m ready for the sun to set on this friendship…at least for the time being. I just can’t do it. So much feels OFF.
I don’t subscribe to the “Bridezilla” mind set, in that “it’s my day so all other minions must bow to me” but dammit! Is it too much to ask that one of my closest friends be happy for me?!
Everyone on my end says there is something very off about Mary and how she has been but I want to know…
Am I off, Bees? What would you do?
Thanks for reading my book!! 😀