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Ok, so my husband and i got married last November after being together almost 10 years.
However a few months before the wedding I cheated on him on numerous occasions when I was drunk, I cant excuse it...I think I can rationalise in my head why I did it....low self esteem.....been together since i was 18 and wanted to see what else was out there..we were having big problems communicating......selfishness...BUT that is absolutely no excuse for what i did. He is a wonerfull man who I love with all my heart.
Well he found out/i confessed and he forgave me (perhaps to quickly) we went to a few sessions of councelling but once we got married they stopped. without me really dealling with my issues. he never told his family or many of his friends...so essentially i got off scott free, and never really had to suffer the consequences of my actions...
After this happened i promissed DH that i would never go out drinking without him again.....but as time went on i thought that promise was a bit of over kill and what harm would it do if I went out with my mates without him, after all we had sorted out all our issues....it wouldn't ever happen again...
Fast forward to last weekend.......i got really drunk again and must have given my phone number to a random guy who hit on me whilst out at a hens night. I honestly dont remember doing it, and I dont think we did anything esp as i was out with bens cousin in law, but the guy texted me after i got home, DH heard and checked my phone, there were 2 mess from an unknown no, one said, 'I am around the corner, turn left" (which he must of sent me when I was at the bar, prob to meet him outside), but I honestly dont remember plus the message hadn't been opened, the second one he sent later, too meet him in town....I never got the texts cause I went home to bed. I suspect i gave him my number then went on dancing with the girls and then went home. i only know its a guy cause DH must have called the number, cause Dh asked me who christian was and I honestly had no clue.
Despite nothing happening and despite me not remberring, there is no excuse for showing my Dh so little respect, I know i only do it for the att cause i have low self esteem......still no excuse....My DH is heartbroken...he doesn't want to leave me but he feels like he has no choice cause he can never trust me again...
To make all this worse, I dont have any family...I mean no one, I was a single child and all parents and grandparents are dead, I never knew my fathers side and my mothers two siblings fell out with her before she died....DH and his fam are my only family....and because we have been together 11 years most of my friends are his...and i know were their ultimate loyalty will lie....
last time he forgave me too early and i didn't realise that i could only imagine being with him, bearing his children and living his life....now my realisation has come too late....Oh beez i am heartbroken.
That is a really terrible situation to be in. I don't even know what to say, except maybe you should slow down on the drinking? It seems to be causing alot of problems. And perhaps start up the counselling again, not just for the relationship but for yourself!
I'm so sorry this is happening.
Instead of promising for change, or that it will never happen again, continuously seek counseling and find a support group. I know you did that one time which is great but keep it up! There has got to be something going on as to why you get so drunk and apparently also don't know what happens when you do drink...
Def get back into counseling. Also you need to find a network of your own. Start a hobby - go to some hobby classes, maybe yoga classes or something. and most definitely absolutely - no more drinking!
@sourlemon: I will i promissed him that I will never drink again at all, and that i would go to councelling, he says he has heard it all before, but last time i didn't think it was all my fault, i blamed our relationship for my actions, now i know it was mostly me.
@sourlemon: I second the slowing down on the drinking and getting counseling for yourself. If you don't work out whatever issues are going on with YOU (the self-esteem issue and whatever else might be going on), your marriage will continue to suffer, even if you guys do go back to couples counseling.
Would you be amenable to something like AA? It might really show your hubs that you are serious about working on your issues.
@akayh: I have my own networks, I have lots of work friends, I do 2 bootcamps, belong to a running group and go to the gym,and i have girlfriends that are just mine, buit you know the people and fam that are there for you no matter what, they are who i will loose.
@simpleandchic: First of all, I'm sending big hugs your way! I imagine that this is a very difficult and painful situation, and I hope that you know that you are loved and cared for.
I think that counseling would be a great idea, both for you and your hubby, and for you individually. It sounds like there's a lot of emotional and personal issues behind why you drink and then end up cheating (or get close), and I think it would be really beneficial to address these with a counselor on your own. And unlike the last time you and your hubby did counseling, I think you guys might need something more long-term. There are no quick fixes, especially in situations like this, and I think investing in counseling for a while will really help you guys get to the bottom of your issues and decide what you want to do in terms of your future.
I also agree with @sourlemon: If you tend to compromise yourself and your relationship with your hubby in certain situations, then simply take yourself out of those situations. Cut down on the drinking and don't go out with your hubby. Period. It's a lot easier to mess up if you're never in a situation where you can.
Give you hubby space. You guys don't have to decide anything right now. You can even begin counseling as a couple not knowing if you guys want to stay together. Take off the pressure to make any big decisions now and take things one day at a time.
Hi-I am so sorry to read this. Sounds like you realize that you kinda have a problem. Perhaps if you are pro active and seek out therapy or treatment and get honest with your husband he will find it in his heart to forgive you again. It's good that you most likely didn't technically cheat on him again but it sounds like you were very close to it!
So yeah, honesty and therapy-and be PRO active about it instead of trying to get away with it again.
Good luck!
I say counciling and keep with it this time and you dont need to slow down on drinking you need to STOP... If you are drinking to the point of not remembering and doing things you wouldnt normally do you have a problem with drinking and need to stop COMPLETLY!
No one should ever be so drunk that they do things that they don't remember doing. Whatever your husband decides, I hope you decide to get some help with your drinking.
@simpleandchic: Wow this is hard. At least you're being honest with yourself and taking responsibility for your actions.
Def seek couseling and stop drinking. You need to work out your issues you have with yourself to give your relationship a chance
To all the bees that said I should org some councelling just for me you are right, i will. Right NOW!
@Mrs. DG: I was going to suggest the same thing.
Beyond that, are you sure you should be with him. What I get out of this post us that you've cheated multiple times and youre more afraid of being alone than him specifically leaving you. Sorry if that sounds really harsh, but I really think you should take this time to reflect.
I agree with Mrs. DG, perhaps you should attend some AA meetings. Getting drunk, or losing the ability to control your drinking is not good, which you say you won't ever do again but I think you should look into being permanently sober. I also think if you went ahead and started taking reg. counseling sessions and then encouraging your husband to go with you might help.
and your right, my mother was an alcoholic (partly why she died so young) I dont drink during the week like she did but when I drink, boy do I drink, it needs to stop!
I would suggest talking to him every night, seeing what he's thinking, staying home every night, and making dinner. Be the kind of wife you dreamed of being, and let him go through his thought process. Does that make sense? (this is on top of the counseling)
@Navy_Wife: no i am not afraid of being alone, i am afraid of loosing him, its taken loosing him to make me realise how awesome he is. I love him so much!
@simpleandchic: please above all else, get help for your drinking issue. This is the root of all the issues it sounds like. You were unfaithful when drunk, you don't remember doing things while you were drunk, and then you gave a stranger your number while drunk. I would give hubby some space honestly and focus on you. You can't really give 100% of yourself to him if half of you is wrapped up in an addiction. Like PPs have said, I strongly recommend some long-term counseling both together and apart to work this out. I know it's hard, I am sorry you're going through this right now.
OP, I remember reading your posts mentioning your slip and being concerned that you went ahead with the wedding :( Obviously there are huge issues here that need time to be worked out and there's so much less at stake when you postpone the wedding vs. dealing with it after.
I don't want to jump to conclusions about your relationship with alcohol but do you think something like AA might be helpful to you? Even if your marriage does not work out this could be something that could change your life for the better.
ETA: I see a lot of bees before mentioned AA. Please please consider this or rehab. It really can be a huge positive for you as an individual not to mention your relationships.
Wishing you luck on repairing your realtionship! Show your hubby what a great person you are capable of being!
Im sorry. Do all of the above that other bees have said, but remember ultimately u need to take care of your drinking and self esteem. U can do it.
U have to earn his trust again. If hes willing to stay, it will take time for the trust to return. But if u keep counseling, AA and whatever else u two might agree upon, he will slowly start to trust u.
And please be warned, dont ever do it again! If hes willing to stay this time, he might not be willing to give u another chance. Please stop the drinking!
I hope for the best for u and your hubby. Im hoping that he gives u one last shot. U will be in my prayers! ((((hug))))
@simpleandchic: I am really sorry to hear you are going through this - and i am going to be brutally honest here about my life and about what i think you may need to do:
I dated a man for 4 years when i was 19-23. We had a blissful relationship, never fought, and could have quite happily drifted into living together, marriage, kids, etc. Expect that, when i was in my final year of university, i started compulsively cheating on him...at first when i was drunk (at first REALLY drunk, then only kinda drunk) and eventually when i was sober. I realised pretty quickly that although we were totally happy and suited to each other, he wasn't giving me what I needed for whatever reason. We broke up, and it was especially painful for him because he had NO idea anything was wrong, and neither did any of our many mutual friends, and I was definitely the bad guy and lost alot of friends in the process. But what it made me realise was that if you're unhappy, even if you don't realise it immediately, it WILL come out in your actions....and if you're like me, you might use drunkenness as an excuse.
So what I will say is instead of giving your husband the ultimate say in this, why don't YOU take some time for YOURSELF - go away for a few days, by yourself, see a counsellor if you think it will help, and think really deeply about what YOU want. I know for me the behaviours of flirting and cheating are red flags, signalling my unhappiness. WIth my current fiance I can honestly say I've never felt the urge to cheat, and if i've ever flirted its been completely harmless and would never have gotten close to physical or emotional cheating.
I really wish you the best of luck with this - i hope both you and your husband figure out what you want. And I would add my +1 to what the others are saying about curbing the drinking...it really can only make bad situations worse, regardless of anything else.
x
@ScarletBegonia: I think you get me....which worries me...although I know the drinking is an issue, I also went 9 years of or relationship, drinking on occasions like I do now and not cheating, but having said that the past 3 days has made me realise that the grass isn't greener, and that I do actually really want to be with him....I'll organise some councelling, I honestly think the self esteem is a bigger issue than the drinking.
Wow, what a situation. It sounds like you need to completely stop drinking and to get a handle on your self esteem issues.
After seeing what cheating and affairs did to my parents marriage, it would be a major deal breaker for me to have my spouse do that. Trust is the ultimate foundation of a marriage, and to break it more than once is huge.
I think you need to examine whether you want to be married, you want your husband, of if you just married because you wanted to have a family. If you want your marriage to you, you are going to have to work really, really hard at earning his trust back, and probably going to counseling yourself for a bit.
Well i just tried to book myself into councelling, its hard though cause we had a 10 day holiday planned starting next week, so I wont be able to see anyone untill after that, if of course he forgives me and i take the holiday with him, of course if he doesn't forgive me I will not be able to afford the councilling anyway :(
@simpleandchic: Oh dear. I'm so sorry. But am glad to hear that you've decided on some counseling. I really, really hope that YOU find happiness. And do what's right for YOU. No matter what the consequence is. If you are missing something with your DH, then maybe it is time for a new chapter in your life. You can't stay because you're worried for him, for mutual friends or for his family and what they'll think. I wish you had shot me a message about all this! If you ever need to talk you know you can! Anytime!
I'm thinking of you girlie!
This is a pretty bad situation. To be honest, if the situation was reversed and a bee had posted on here that her husband was doing those things to her, most of us would probably tell her she deserved better and to leave him. Your husband does deserve better, there is no excuse for treating someone you love like that. You have some serious issues, number one being the drinking. If you drink so much that you dont remember things that is a very bad sign that you are out of control, not to mention the fact that you cheated repeatedly on someone you claim to love. Alcohol doesnt make you do things, it makes it easier for you to do things you wanted to do anyway. There are other things going on here with your relationship that you need to look into. If you go to AA and counseling for your relationship issues it will help you to avoid such things in the future, but if your husband stays with you, you need to acknowledge that he had every right to leave you and find himself someone who wouldnt break his heart, so you should treat him accordingly.
Sorry to be harsh, but my sympathy is with your husband on this. I hope everything works out for the best and you find happiness, you have a lot of hard work ahead of you.
Oh, sweety, (((HUGS))). I wish that I had magic words or ideas to make this all go away, but I don't. I think that starting counciling is great and you took the right first steps. This self destructive path that you are on isn't good for either of you and it will take time for you to find out why you are doing this to yourself. I am so worried for you. If you need me, you know how to get ahold of me and I will be there day or night if you need to talk.
Thanks ladies,
@Annabelle86: I didn't ask for sympathy, I asked to talk, to talk to beez who in the past I have offered a kind word or advice too.
@Mrs.tobe: yeah I did hun, sorry I would have talked to you about this but everthing was gong well since the wedding, well until this weekend. I dont know what is wrong with me that I would put everything at risk for some male attention, I cant explain or excuse it, but I have managed to not only ruin my life but the life of the most important person in my life.
@Mrs.tobe: oh and I saw your hen pics, it looks like you had a blast, and you look so tanned, beautiful, glowing and fit, you are gonna be a knock out bride!!!
@simpleandchic: I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say to make it better :(
I just want you to get yourself some help. Any way you can. I want you to do it for yourself because you are an awesome person inside and out who I consider a friend. I wish we didn't live halfway across the world or I'd be on your doorstep with some kleenex and a shoulder to lean on through all this.
@simpleandchic: Awww,t hanks love! I am so not close to being fit, but I'm working on that... and the tan is somthing I need to keep going! haha! But yeah, we had a BLAST! You just can't beat a good trip to the lake.
This. It's interesting seeing the roles reversed and the difference in advice. @simpleandchic: I really think counseling and time apart for each of you to reflect on what you want are way more important than any upcoming holiday. If this was myself in either role, I'm sorry but the vacation would be cancelled. I've seen it too many times that if you put off getting help you never will. Research your options for free support if you can't afford it. It's out there. Also don't forget about your DH in all of this. Having been in HIS shoes before; he is going to need help, need time and healing to move on if he possibly can. It will not be all about you and your problem. There is no time frame for something like this and the last thing he will need is pressure to get over it if he does decide to stay. It does not happen over night. Good Luck and I hope everything works out for what's best for each of you.
@simpleandchic: there's not a lot to say that pp's haven't said already - but I do think you have done a good job in being totally honest about your actions and your feelings, which is good. it is a very sad situation, all you can do now is go about fixing it. I think the alcohol thing will always be an issue for you - there will always be potential for slips, and the question is whether or not your husband can deal with that. For me, personally, it wouldn't be so much about this current incident where it sounds like nothing happened (although it certainly could have, fortunately nothing did) but the fact that it could SO easily happen again in the future.
You are putting yourself seriously at risk by drinking so much that you can't remember and don't know what could or has happened - not just that you could have unprotected sex with someone you don't even know, but you are putting yourself in a position where you are vulnerable to being robbed, assaulted, or raped. and you wouldn't even know. that is what is seriously very very worrying here. Please do get whatever help is available and take better care of yourself.
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