Post # 1
This is my first post so please please be kind. I am really really angry at my fiance. Unfortunately, I am a saver and he is not. He has accumulated a small debt which he is paying off right now. He was also unemployed for a year and a half (though he spent every spare minute looking for gainful employment. He was trying very hard to get a job but the job market was not good in his area of expertise) and I carried the finances solely. Now, Mr. Fiance and I are getting married next month and unfortunately, he wants a traditional wedding (that I will be paying for) in a church with a banquet hall. Our families both want the same and I have worked hard to save up for it. I originally did not want a church wedding but am complying as it means so much to him.
I have become rather resentful of everything lately. I have been left to do much of the wedding planning with my mother. He volunteered to create a wedding website and even though I showed him beautiful templates from premade sites, he insisted he would like to create one himself. He only partially started the site and didn’t bother finishing it despite knowing that we needed to print the cards and add the website name to the cards (his idea). Unfortunately, the cards got printed before he was able to register the site (we had to use a coupon that was about to expire) and we had to spend several hours purchasing and printing little cards to add to our invites (after the fact) that listed our website details (at his insistence even though I said that we could direct ppl to our website via email). This caused us to go overbudget on the cards (they weighed more and we had to pay more in postage) which I had to pay for (he did not have the funds). Having said that, there have been glaring typos on the navigation bar of our site which took him more than a week to fix. I stayed quiet on the whole situation.
I am babbling, please forgive me.
Lately, I feel like he has taking me for granted. He has forgotten my birthday 2 years in a row and his explanation has been that he doesn’t celebrate birthdays so it’s no big deal. Yet, his mother recently celebrated her birthday and he took her out (as he always does every year) to a very fancy restaurant despite not having enough funds for the wedding and despite telling me that he does not celebrate birthdays. Besides this, one of his friend’s was getting married and he didn’t think twice about signing up for the bachelor party that was going to cost him $200 even though he was not in the wedding party. He didn’t tell me until he had to pay and I was surprised that he would spend so much on a bachelor party despite not helping with the wedding costs. In the end, he didnt’ go (due to a work commitment) but he added that money to the wedding gift money he already planned on giving his friend so in the end, he gave his friend a more generous gift than he intended (he had to break a savings bond to do so).
Now the straw that broke the camel’s back is that he is not able to pay for the honeymoon and yesterday he has basically told me to organize and pay for it and he will go. I have been trying to nicely communicate my feelings to him but that really made me crack. At first I tried to tell him nicely that I was feeling underappreciated but then the whole discussion turned to him and his feelings (and my trying to make him feel better). After about an hour of helping him, I got so fed-up that we had a big row about the whole situation. I left crying (he didn’t bother to even walk me home) and he hasn’t bothered to call me since (though we talk on the phone at a particular time every day). I am not sand but just really really angry. I don’t think I can forgive him this time and want to cancel the whole stupid thing. I’ve been trying very hard to make everybody happy and in the meantime, I’ve become miserable 🙁
Okay, that’s it for my vent bees.
Post # 3
@ABeeC123: I don’t know but this does not sound like something I could live with for the rest of my life…Personally I would run
Post # 4
you guys should be acting like a team, and need to work out a financial plan you both are comfortable with before you get married.
Post # 5
@ABeeC123: I would be running faster then I’ve even ran in my life. I could not find a man like that attractive, I would be angry, resentful, and hurt. That’s no way to (officially) start a life together.
Post # 6
What?! I would definitely not marry this guy. He doesn’t sound serious.
Post # 7
@ABeeC123: does he make an effort to understand your feelings, or does it always turn around so you’re talking about him? Sounds to me like he’s all “take, take, take” and you’re all “give, give, give”. How can he push for an elaborate wedding when you dont care much for it AND have to pay for the whole thing. That isnt fair at all! Do you stand up for yourself, or let him pay no mind to you? Guys sometimes dont realize that theyre completely ignoring your feelings until you shake them and say “HEY! This doesnt feel good!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!” Does he not care, or is he oblivious? The answer to that will tell you what you need to know. I’m so sorry, that sounds so incredibly frustrating. It’s a miracle you havent throttled him!
Post # 8
Aw, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. That sounds so hard. I do think it’s important to be on the same page financially–have you considered pre-marital counseling? (My FI committed to 4 weddings and a bachelor party this fall, and we had to set aside $1500+ for them all–we are super-poor grad students, and I was PISSED, so I understand where you’re coming from. We worked it out though–FI picked up some part-time work and when I complained, he picked up more. Is that something your FI could do? Or would be interested in doing?)
Post # 9
Wow, it sounds like he’s using you. He is unappreciative of your monetary contributions and your efforts in putting this whole wedding together. Are you sure you want to marry this man and be stuck with this kind of behavior for the rest of your life???
I’m sorry you are dealing with this :/
Post # 10
It would be hard to be with a man that does not appreciate you as he should, and that does not chip in for the wedding. It’s for both of you, and both should pay. Your feelings of anger are completely justified and I hope you come to a resolution
Post # 11
@ABeeC123: *sigh* if you guys are having financial disagreements already, good luck because it gets tougher after you’re married, especially if you don’t already agree. It doesn’t sound like he is investing much money or heart into this wedding or relationship at this point. You are just a really good sugar mama to him and probably will continue to be as long as you foot the bills.
If you continue with this relationship despite all the advice you will get, I suggest you keep a nice, cozy account that he doesn’t know about.
Post # 12
@ABeeC123: I can tell this is enormously frustrating, to the point of being hurtful to you.
I can somewhat relate to your fiance. Though I’ve never been unemployed, i am in graduate school and my stipend is tiny, but I had terrible spending habits. I wouldn’t think twice about buying new clothes every few months, eating out a lot, etc. I have racked up credit card debt because of stupid spending. I got used to my husband’s salary covering the major expenses in our lives and many lovely extras too. Finally, this year after getting completely sick and tired of fighting about money. It was always him questioning me about spending, me being overly defensive, him feeling used, and both of us faiiling to see this as a joint problem. We decided to get serious about killing debt and saving money. So we pool our money 100% (no more confusing percentages, or you pay X this month) and we have a set monthly budget. We want to start a family soonish and there is absolutely no way we could afford childcare without making these changes. It’s been tough, but the resentment I’m sure my husband felt towards my lack of a financial contribution has melted away, so it’s worth it to me to keep it up. Because I’m more involved in the monthly budgeting, I see how quickly money can disappear with mindless spending and, now, grow with careful saving.
Do you think your FI is capable and willing to make changes, to have the financial life of a married person, with shared savings goals and agreements about spending?
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
There’s a difference between “not being a saver” and being a total mooch. This current behavior really doesn’t sound like he’s a good partner at all.
I’d think seriously about counseling to help you two get on the same page, and postponing the wedding in the meantime.
Post # 14
@ABeeC123: Don’t leave him over one fight. I’m sure there’s more you haven’t told us, though.
That sounds INFURIOURATING! I would also be livid and want to kick his arse to the curb. However, step back. You both got yourselves here, so you can both get yourselves out. (BOTH!) You have to (BOTH!) be comitted to working through it though.
You agreed to all this. To pay for the wedding, to plan the wedding, everything – right? I’d be frustrated, too, but have you asked him specifically to help you along the way? He screwed up the website but doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Maybe he really doesn’t think it’s a big deal.
Obviously money is the thing. You really aren’t ok with him not working and keeping “his” money to himself. Which is understandable. You guys need to have a serious talk about your budget and what a strain it puts on your relationship when you pay for everything, then see him throw money away. How will you handle money when you’re married? Will calling it all “our” money just make him spend more or it more irresponsibly or will he realize that there’s just not that much? My husband and I each get a set amount to spend on whatever BS we want – maybe set up something like that. He should be contributing whatever he can to the wedding. Or maybe he was saving up for a while to go to that party – you need to find out and let him know how much that hurt.
Post # 15
@ABeeC123: This is not an even relationship whatsoever, and he seems to be taking advantage of your generosity.
When you commit to a wedding, you’re making a financial commitment. It’s only fair that the couple contribute jointly, and if that’s not possible, for the non-contributing member to at least acknowledge the sacrifice made by the contributing member. Taking care of you and your feelings seems to be at the bottom of this guy’s list. I would not marry someone who has treated me so poorly, even if it was inadvertent.
Post # 16
@ABeeC123: I would not marry him if I were you.