Post # 1
So I have had a really emotional planning process. My parents were going to pay for most of the wedding and they said they only wanted to make me happy. I realize now that I should not have accepted the money in the first place, my mom has always be controlling and thinks she knows more than me what will make me happy but I wanted to believe the best in her. So we started planning. In the beginning I was letting he take front seat on the things she was paying for, I would give my opinion but if she didn’t think it would work I would kind of just let it ride (ie, I wanted lantern centerpieces not flowers, but my mom thought we should have flowers so I rolled over). Now on the things I was actually putting money on I thought I could have what I wanted so was planning it (or the things that other people were paying for and wanted me to have what I wanted) and was really happy with my decisions. Well apparently my mom had other plans, if she was paying for the majority I couldn’t have anything she didn’t want (One thing, I wanted my guys to wear chucks for the wedding and my mom thought people would be upset about it.) So I rolled over again. Things went by and we planned some more and I just kind of decided that I just wasn’t going to be excited about my wedding anymore. I would just put my energy into what I could plan myself (His parents are giving us free reign over the rehearsal dinner, they will pay for whatever makes us happy I will want them to have a say but they haven’t asked for us to make them have a say). I thought since I was paying for our officiate and that it would be a special thing for me and my FI that we could meet with and book that person ourselves, not saying I wouldn’t introduce my parents to them but they really shouldn’t have a say in who performs are wedding (That may be just my opinion but I think that our wedding vows should be special for us and be meaningful). Apparently I was wrong because I got a call and got yelled at for booking or officiate with my money. I eventually have to apologize so I didn’t get yelled at anymore. So I am basically trying to make everyone else happy about my wedding but me. Given all this I feel like I need someone to talk to about it all but I also feel like I have talked about it so much that everyone is getting tired to hearing about it (which I understand completely, I just don’t know what I do with these feelings when I do try to keep them instead of letting them out.) Well I finally had the straw drop on the camel’s back, at a cake tasting no less. Well I did have an idea of what kind of wedding cake I wanted (I was a cake decorator for years) so I knew what I did and didn’t like. Given this when I went to a cake tasting I had pictures. Apparently my mom hated all of my ideas (which I loved but who cares), and I didn’t like her favorite. So I picked out one that she said she liked and said that one was fine but she was already mad (because I had opinions on my wedding cake) and stormed out. I left the appointment balling after they told me I was getting married but it was not my wedding, I realized at this point I couldn’t take this anymore and stay healthy. Yeah they were paying for it but did they have to make me unhappy every step of the way. I was crying more than not and nothing made me happy anymore so me and my FI decided that we would just pay for it because if we didn’t this would just keep happening. We called and told them that we still wanted them to be a part of the wedding but they didn’t have to pay for it anymore we would do that. They got upset and had a fit, my mom basically told me I was an ungrateful child and that how could I do this to her. I understand being upset and I understand wanting to lash out but be a grown-up. I didn’t come to you and tell you that you were a horrible mother so you couldn’t be a part of the wedding. I just needed the fighting to stop. So as of now they talked my brother out of being a groomsman and his wife out of being a bridesmaid so that is fun. They are going to come to the ceremony but are not coming to the reception. My mom told me to my face that now she is going to be happy about going to Disney World instead of my wedding. So I had just gotten to a point that I had accepted that my parents were going to just pull out of my wedding because of this when I got a call from my dad. He wanted to know what we could do to fix this…. I don’t know, you hurt me, I hurt you but I just didn’t have it in me to apologize anymore and not get one in return, no more of this one side I am always wrong things. I also feel like everyone is done with hearing about it so I try to keep it in but find myself crying at the worst times. Why am I the one that always has to stroke my mom’s ego and make everything ok? Is it wrong that I just want my parents to be happy that I am happy? I suffered from depression for years during high school and college and I can feel myself slip into the same kind of state when I have these fights with my parents. They only seem to care that I am hurting their feelings and not that they are hurting mine. My FI does what he can but he can’t fix my parents, all he can do is love me and stickup for me. Of course they hate him now because he does stick up for me to them, because they can say whatever they feel like to me because I am their daughter. So I guess this is just really a release for me to get all of this out so I don’t keep bottled up and break out in tears again.
Post # 3
Ugh. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Sometimes it seems like weddings just bring out the absolute worst in some people, and your mom is one of them.
In your place I would just stop talking to her about the wedding (and maybe about anything else, if she’s like this all the time). It sounds like no matter what you do, she is going to treat you badly, so you have to protect yourself. It sounds like your dad is the (semi) sane one, so maybe you could keep him updated directly.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
It is a hard lesson to learn, but a valuable one….. a huge part of planning a wedding is the act of establishing boundaries with your families of birth. As hard as it must be, try to think of this as an opportunity to set boundaries with your parents about what behavior you will and will not tolerate. “When you do x, I feel y. I do not enjoy feeling y, therefore I will no longer tolerate behavior x. If you do it again, there will be consequence z. I DON’T WANT consequence z. Please do not make me go there. But of you continue to do x, you will leave me no choice in the matter.” It’s like dealing with a child. You lay it out VERY clearly, and then you stick to it. Because if you keep letting them get away with behavior x now during wedding planning, that will give them permission to continue doing so throughout your married life, when you have kids of your own, etc. It may hurt like hell to stick to your guns, but doing so will protect your marriage and any future kids from such a toxic influence. Good luck!
Post # 5
Honestly, I think you and your parents all need to work on your communication skills. You’re sending a whole lot of mixed messages here. When you start by outwardly happily agreeing with the flowers and the groomsmen wearing dress shoes and going along with everything your mom likes, then go to sobbing over a cake and then throwing their money back at them and saying you want to do all this yourself, I can see where a LOT of the hurt feelings come from. You’ve got to stop the emotional train wreck before it gets to that point. Learn to pick your fights and identify what matters to you. And learn to disagree without the waterworks. Crying just amps up the emotional response, and does nothing to help your case. Learn how to calmly say ‘Mom, I respect your opinions, but I’m going to do X instead of Y’. Do not engage in the fight, just stay cool and collected. If she chooses to escalate the situation, walk away. This WILL come up again in the future if you have kids, so don’t just think it’ll go away after the wedding.
Post # 6
Your mom sounds a lot like what my mom used to be like, I realized when I was about 12 when she took me to a nutritionist because Inwas getting chunky (read: started getting my period and gained ten lbs and I was 12!) that I was her daughter and could be just as strong willed as she was. And we fought, I can not tell you how badly we fought, up until I was 17 or so, when in the middle of one fight I told her she was a spoiled brat and a complete bitch (only time I’ve said this to my mom and feel bad about it to this day) that I loved her because she was my mother but that the love was wearing thin, that I would always love her because she was my mother, not necessarily because I wanted to ( I know that is rough and it was a really really bad fight). That just because everyone else would put up with her crap because they didnt want to have to deal with her didnt mean I would and she could either get over herself and grow up and let me be a person or we would just keep fighting because I was not giving in anymore. I would always listen to her and respect and value her opinion because she is my mother and is wise and knowledgable but she had to respect and value mine as well.
She mocked me at first but when she saw that I was dead serious, and I had no issue staying mute and pleasant while she went into a full fledged fight in public, and when she was done ranting I would just say: I’m glad you feel better and got that of your chest, but I’m still doing it my way and then ignore her if she stormed off, She eventually started giving ground some and now we’re super close! Its hard because this is such an important time in your life and you want your mom to be there with you, but it kinda sound like you need to set some boundaries and limits with her. My mom still drives me up the wall becuseshe thinks she and only she knows best? Yes. Does she get the point when I say mom, its going to be this way because I want it this way and if I make a mistake well, too bad, I’ll learn but I want this. Yes, is she happy about it? Hell no. But if we didnt get to this point I probably would not be speaking to my mother at this moment in my life.
Don’t apologize to your dad. Be straight forward sweety. Flat out tell your dad that your mom was making it her day and her dream wedding, not yours. And when you tried to disagree with her she would get angry and you didnt want to deal with the stress. Your dad has to know how your mother is and know you’re not lying. Tell him that you want her help, but that she doesnt get the final say and she cant get mad when you dont do things her way because well, that is a 7 year old kids move. Actually I think you should sit down with both of them and have this conversation, she will get mad and have it be hell, orobably. Work on being assertive and how to maintain control of a conversation and it should help. Also I would call your brother and sister and tell them off for bowing out for a reason like this, its really childish.
Post # 7
I am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this. Yes, the people who are paying get a say but they shouldn’t completely disregard your feelings and if you’re paying it should be your choice. As for the officiant, unless you’re Catholic and booked a Rabbi (or something extreme) I can’t see why she’d be THAT upset….(or if you went to a church other than the one you or your FH went to growing up)….
I really hope your family can come together and support you!
Post # 8
Them not liking how he sticks up for is not a reason for them to dislike him. I stick up for my fiance all the time. My in-laws may not always like it when I stick up for him but they know that it’s because I love him. My fiance’s mom is very upfront and opinionated. She and I may not always agree about things but we are very close.
I’ve kind of been where you are right now. While my parents weren’t paying for my wedding they were still very controlling. Everytime I disagreed with them and I didn’t give in they would either spread rumors about me or yell at how wrong and rude I was being to them. They never once cared about my actual happiness. It was always either their way or they would do anything to get me to give in. We would not talk for months because it would get so bad and everytime I went back was because my mom would say something how like they want to make it work and i’m the only greymonkey42 she has. Eventually I got sick of it all and I told them that I never wanted to see or hear from them again.
I’m not saying you should tell them you are done with them. It’s not for everyone because it’s not easy. In my opinion it’s worth it. You should do what ever will make you happy.
I hope everything gets better for you. I’m really sorry that you are going through this. If you ever need anyone I’m here for ya.
Post # 9
Thanks you for all the support. I know I have to just rise above and stick to my guns. She will never change (since for years I tried to get her to go to therapy with me to help with our relationship) so I have to. It is taking me time but I have grown as a person since I moved out of my parents’ house and am constantly making strides. I hope my parents will come around before the wedding but I am not holding my breath. My mother has a habit of just cutting people out who irritate her. She also likes to make irrational demands that don’t make sense. When my dad called the other day to ask what we should do to fix this I had gone by they Thursday to get my wedding dress from their house (I was afraid they would hold it hostage so I got it as soon as possible) he asked why I hadn’t said anything about the wedding…ummm didn’t you say that you were going to be happy about Disney World over my wedding? Also they wanted to know why my FI had not called to apologize for looking at my mom mean (yeah he had a mean face when they were getting angry about the wedding cake)…Didn’t you also say you didn’t want to see my FI? That you didn’t like him? Why would you want to talk to him then (he was only going to apologize to make things easier for me). I really wanted to just cut them out completely, but my FI thinks that they should be a part of our lives if only for our children’s sake. I wrote this thread so many times and deleted it because I didn’t know how to convey the pain I have felt over the years that this has just brought to the surface, it is good to know that I am not the only one who has had to deal with this sort of pain. Just because you didn’t hit me doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.