- 3 years ago
Hi bees, I’m having a dilemma and really need some sound advice.
Background: I met two friends at university 8 years ago now, A and B. We were all close throughout university, but (in my opinion) A and I are much closer than B and I are. We haven’t lived in the same city as another in 4 years. Since then, I have moved far away twice. Despite that, I have really tried to maintain our friendships. I’ve visited A several times in summers when I’m able, she’s come to visit many times, she has visited me in my new city and when she was engaged, my now fiancé and I arranged to fly to her engagement party as we couldn’t make the wedding. We are both very busy (she’s married and works 3 jobs and I am in grad school) but I try to stay in touch.
On the other hand, B. B was the wilder, ‘not always dependable but so fun’ friend. In university I was there for her during multiple crises (breakups, medical issues etc), and she was there for me too, we had lots of fun– I think I’ve been a good friend to her. That said, I haven’t seen B in person since A’s engagement party about 3 years ago. About 6 months after that, I was coming to B’s city, didn’t need a place to stay, just wanted to see her. Long story short, when I came, she claimed she was really busy with x and I caught her in a big lie and called her on it. After that, she went radio silence and said she was so sick she couldn’t see me for even a coffee in the three days I was there. I was really hurt and angry. I haven’t seen her since, she operated as if it never happened, but I have reached out often over facebook messages, asked her to facetime, repeatedly let her know I’d love to hear her news, congratulated her on her engagement, new job, move to a new place etc. She’s reciprocated minimally but when she does, it’s as if we’re tight; sent us an engagement card, Christmas card which are full of messages intimating we’re very close etc. but rarely returns messages, if she does it’s a week or two later, almost entirely about her and declines to facetime etc. Recently she’d been having serious problems and sent me two messages (ignoring any previous messages I’d sent her) listing all her problems that were honestly alarming. I wrote her back immediately both times offering help and solutions, and she didn’t even bother to read / respond to them for a week yet was posting all over facebook about superficial things. I’ve done this because I’ve known her for 8 years, we used to be very close and she hasn’t had the easiest time.
So now: B is getting married in 2014 and she and A are best friends. I am also getting married, but in 2015. B is also moving back to the area where we all met and A still lives, so they will be closer than ever and see each other lots.
B invited me solo, and then begrudgingly ‘allowed’ me a plus one for my fiancé (who she’s known for years) to her potluck wedding across the country. It’s obviously expensive but I might have had a summer offer there which would have negated most costs to attending so I waited to decide. I’ve since accepted an offer on the other side of the country, so I politely declined, writing her a nice message, wishing them well and letting her know we’d be thinking of them on their day. It’s been 11 days since she’s read that message and she hasn’t responded.
Then A adds me to a bachelorette party event for B two nights before the wedding – I private message her to explain that I’m not able to make the wedding, have fun etc. She read that 5 days ago, and hasn’t responded.
Previously, when A asked if I could attend, I had told her that I likely couldn’t and gave my reasons. A said B thinks I’m one of her closest friends and that she thinks the time we spent together in the same city was her happiest time etc.
Twist: B and her fiancé have long been on the ‘should we?’ invite list to my own wedding, and if it weren’t for A, they’d be off for all the reasons above, plus the situation really upsets me. Yet – if I don’t invite them, it will be very awkward for A, potentially damage our friendship, and it will for sure, be the end of any friendship between B and I and I’ve known her 8 years and genuinely wish things were different. Additionally, I either want A as a bridesmaid, or, if I don’t have a bridal party, I will invite A to get ready with me and another friend the morning of and take special photos. That invitation will not be extended to B.
1) Why are they both completely ignoring me? I can’t go to this wedding, which is across the country at a cost of at least $1000.00 in airfare alone, a potluck, which my fiancé wasn’t really invited to PLUS I’m on an 8-week contract that doesn’t allow time off. That seems like an airtight alibi to me – and it’s all true.
2) If she thinks we’re that close – why doesn’t she prioritize our friendship in any way? I looked back to see when the last time she asked a question about my life was and it was in December. It’s completely one sided. Not even ‘thanks for the support’ etc.
3) What should I do about my own wedding? B absolutely thinks she’s invited (I never mention the wedding) and that ‘it will be amazing, over the top, I can’t wait’. That alone rubs me the wrong way. She’s also made the classic ‘weddings are a waste of money, people who have fancy weddings are idiots who don’t care about marriage’ remarks. it feels to me like ‘you’re a dummy for having a traditional wedding, but i’m more than happy to come eat, drink and enjoy it’
HOLY COW – I’m sending everyone who read this a cookie!