Post # 1
Last night FI slept in the spare room. This is the first time this has happened in 7.5 years. I haven’t spoken to him today because I am so pissed off that he got mad at me for nothing, mad enough to sleep in the spare room!
Here’s what happened: As he was just about to get into bed last night I asked him to turn off the light (a whole 2 metres away). He said “won’t you be getting up shortly to turn off the dryer anyway, so you could turn off the light then.” I said “Could you turn it off for me? I want to go to sleep.” He said “Don’t you want to watch Sleepy Hollow with me?”. I said “I might half watch it.” This is when shit hit the fan… He started yelling at me saying I was contradicting myself saying I was going to go to sleep then saying I was going to watch TV. I explained that I just meant I was going to do the same as every night and go to sleep while listening to whatever he is watching. He then said he works all day at work and then he has to do everything. Really? I asked you to turn off the light and the dryer… He is working late this week so has been getting home a couple of hours after me. Last night he got home as I was starting the dishes and he offered to dry them. I don’t think that constitutes as “everything” though, especially as I had spent my afternoon doing the rest of the housework. After this 1 minute argument he threw back the covers and left the room and went into the spare room.
I am so confused/angry. I wonder if he is stressed out from work or maybe he is starting to get cold feet and thinks I’ll be a crap wife. The most I’ve said to him today was “here” when I passed him his sandwhich for lunch.
Any advice on how I should ask him what his problem is?
Post # 2
That is so strange that he got so upset over something so little and that wasn’t even a problem….! Hopefully he will realize how bad he overreacted and will apologize!!
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2015 - Hidden Acres
Sounds to me like something a little deeper is bothering him. Once both of you have had a chance to cool off, try to discuss it without yelling, blowing up, or using “always/never” language. Good luck.
Post # 4
It seems that he is upset about something else… I think you need to ask him what is going on. Communication is pretty important in a marriage. Maybe it is something you could work on in this situation before your married. Sometimes men act like little boys and we just need to give them a little space. They will soon enough act as if nothing is wrong anyways. But I think you need to see what the underlying issue is.
Post # 5
Just tell him, “I’m sorry that you’re upset, but could you please explain why you were so angry over nothing?”
Also, why the jump to “he thinks I’m going to be a crap wife”?
Post # 6
I see both sides. I see his side that he’s doing “everything”… Which to him it might feel like he is bc he’s getting home later and what not…but flipping out bc you wanted to fall asleep to the tv… But also, you could of just gotten out of bed to turn the lights off… Could of saved the hassle of the fight.
Post # 7
I see both sides. But I definitely feel that you could have easily gotten out of bed and flicked the light and the laundry… because if my husband had asked me to do those, I would have said, “Well you have legs, why can’t you do it?” I’d probably be tired too, so what makes your tiredness more than mine? Because you were already in bed? Meh.<br /><br />I’d bet that he has something else chewing at him and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’d try talking it over with him and I highly disagree to ask him why he “got upset about nothing.” Clearly he is upset about something. Don’t undermind his upset and simply ask him if there is something more wrong and you want to talk it out.
Post # 8
I would think it was from something else that was bothering him. I think you should have looked past his over-reaction and after a few minutes (to let him cool down) gone to him & ask him what was really wrong. I’m sure you staying in the room upset him that you didn’t care to resolve it.
Post # 9
It’s funny, I had kind of a similar fight with my boyfriend last night over what boils down to nothing (literally over turning lights off and going to sleep). Neither of us slept in the spare bed but I ended up crying myself to sleep, which I feel really stupid about. The crying was not at all about the tiny little non-fight we had, it was about basically everything else in my life. I had a headache, I had worked late, I was upset about a mess in the house and some issues at work and stressed by several over things. The little disagreement with my boyfriend was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I told this to him this morning and he asked me to communicate that better next time, because he was really confused that I cried over something so minor and he had no idea how to handle it. It sounds like your FI need to have a similar conversation. I would bet anything that he, like me, was just stressed out by other things and this disagreement right before bed was just the last straw.
Post # 10
AnonymousCupcake: I probably should have said this in my initial post but he made a comment the other week after he had mowed the lawn that I hadn’t even moved from the couch. He didn’t seem mad about it but it made me feel guilty so I have been making an effort to find something productive to do while he is doing something. It seems that in his mind he does everything and I do nothing. He mows the lawns and does gardening. We usually do the dishes together and we both do our fair share of washing. I do all the other housework, like cleaning the bathroom and vacuuming etc. I thought it was fair but after his “I do everything” comment I don’t think he sees it that way so that’s what is making me think that he thinks I will be a crap wife and maybe that is the deeper issue.
Post # 11
cls9q: I think you are probably right that he is upset that I didn’t go into the room and resolve things. I was just too mad that he left over something so petty.
Post # 12
I think we’ve all been guilty of overreacting at some point or another. Sleeping in the spare room is extreme but like Hyperventilate:, I would have asked what was wrong with my partner’s legs if he wanted me to do his tasks when we were both tired and ready for bed. It strikes me as a lazy request.
Has he been doing more around the house than you have lately? Are you always asking him to do stuff for you that you don’t want to do yourself? There isn’t enough context and background in the original post to provide an informed opinion. If he has something to feel resentful about though, it makes sense that he would snap when he was already tired.
Post # 13
Janelle123: My husband can get grumpy when he is doing a “chore” and I am not. Sometimes I need to remind him about all the times when he is sitting watching TV and I am cooking dinner (every night) or how he hasn’t done laundry in about five years.
I’m tempted to think that it is something that has been building up for awhile now and is not necessarily related to one particular instance. Honestly I think when people have lived together for awhile and are always doing a chore, they block out all the things that they don’t have to do because the SO/spouse/whatever does them. Sometimes a quick conversation can resolve that and avoid future arguments. Good luck 🙂
Post # 14
Something that my husband and I do sometimes is the ‘airing of grievances’ where we each write down five things that we would like the other to either start doing or stop doing. We try to be as specific as possible (things like ‘Put your dirty dishes directly into the dishwasher instead of leaving them on the counter’ or ‘Stop making comments about how much time I spend on my makeup, it hurts my feelings.) Then we sit down and share them and the other person can’t comment, get defensive, or say that the other person’s list is ‘wrong’ in some way. Then we take some time to mull over what the other person has said and really try to do what they’ve asked.
This has been really helpful in not letting things build up, which is what it sounds like happened with your husband. A word of advice: Try to not get mad at him for getting mad at you over something you feel is petty. You’re totally entitled to feel he’s being upset over something silly, but if you get mad at him for his feelings, he’s only going to bottle them up more.
Post # 15
somethingblue04: I asked him because I was already in bed (and had been for at least 15mins) and he was only just climbing into bed. I also would have to get out and walk around the bed to get to the switch but he only needs to put a foot out to reach the light. Every other night I get out and turn off the light but as he was only just getting into bed I thought it wouldn’t be much of an inconience for him to do it. Maybe since he is working late he thinks that I should be doing more, and I have, he just doesn’t seem to notice. He came home to a spotless house last night (apart from the few dishes I had just started). He also came home to a spotless house on Monday. Tuesday I laxed out on the couch while he was working late but there wasn’t much for me to do anyway… Maybe he is resenting the fact that I don’t have to work late?