Post # 1
So I have been struggling with this one for about a month now and figured some of the bees on here may have more insight. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now (pretty much living with him for a year). From the beginning things were pretty serious and I had no doubts we would end up getting married. I should mention he is a bit older (late 30’s) and I am in my mid twenties. He has been divorced and has one child (who I love dearly) and I have never been married. The topic of marriage has come up more in recent months, he has asked about the types of ring I would want, we have talked about the type of wedding we would have and discuss the life we would lead (finances, beliefs, housing, etc). All of our beliefs align. He has always said he plants to marry me but not right now. About 2 weeks ago he initiated a discussion about marriage and having kids. He said that he has not proposed yet because he is not sure he ever wants to have children again (biological children, he is open to adopting) And he couldn’t ask me to marry him without knowing that he wants more children in the future because it is important to me and it wouldn’t be fair to me if he were not honest with his intentions. He doesnt have a timeframe as to when he would ultimately decide this and he understands that if he chooses to never have children that this could ultimately end our relationship due to my beliefs. We are actively looking into becoming a foster family in the future with the hopes of adopting. I have just been so down lately. I am scared now that I am hoping on our relationship to result in marriage and it may never become that. I don’t want to be strung along forever only to be left unmarried and without children. I really do love him and have thought about if I would ever be able to give up my desire to have a child to be with him. It seems like everyday is more difficult because we are building a life together but yet it is so unsure. He has reassured me that its not that he wouldn’t love to have a child with me but he is unsure about if he wants to father another child. I just don’t know what to do. I also have a close friend who is getting married and my brother is getting married and expecting a child which only makes the issue more apparent in my mind. Has anyone been through something similar or have any insight to this?
Post # 2
Ladybug1216: Im so sorry! That sounds awful. I would understand if he didn’t want kids period- but he wants to adopt? That IS fathering a child. What is the difference to him? I would get him to explore his thinking on that.
How long are you willing to wait for him to decide? That sounds like torture. :/
Post # 3
Ladybug1216: I’m confused–he is willing to consider adoption but doesn’t know if he wants to father another child? Where is the reasoning with that?
Post # 4
If it was the other way around and he had to go through pregnancy and childbirth that’s one thing, but he doesn’t want to “father a child” ?? You mean he doesn’t want to make a baby with the woman he loves and wants to marry but that he will raise someone else’s child happily?
There’s something fishy going on here….you need to discuss this more and sooner rather than later.
Post # 5
As far as I can gather, he wants to adopt because we would likely get an older child and not an infant. he has mentioned that he worries about his age because he wants to be able to play with his kids but I don’t understand how waiting is helping this decision or how long I should wait. My family loves him and I am practically part of his family but I am unsure if I would feel resentful of him if I never got to be pregnant and carry a child ( I know some women can’t and I am very sympathetic about this, maybe I won’t feel like I missed out on anything?) I know adopting is having a child of your own and being a parent. Am I just being selfish?
Post # 6
There are some things in life you HAVE to be selfish about, and your happiness is one of them. Maybe you should think about seeing a therapist for a few sessions to talk this through with some support and help you decide what it is you really want?
Post # 7
I wouldn’t want to pursue fostering with a view to adoption if he says he doesn’t want to father another child. It seems like he said that just to avoid to “no children” talk for now, knowing you’d likely leave if he said he didn’t want to have any more children.
If getting married and having children is a priority for you, don’t let him dictate your life.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
You sound like a catch, he sounds like a fuddy duddy set in his ways. Rip off the bandaid, dump him, and find someone who shares your life goals before you end up with some poor foster kid in the mix who doesn’t have a father who loves him. Hugs.
Post # 9
TBQH I think he sounds reasonable. It’s only been two years and he has a kid to consider. If he has doubts about the future (kids, adoption etc) better he should be up front about those doubts than surprise you with them after a marriage. I think it’s too early in the relationship. He has to take things slow for his child. I think you could give it some time. If he starts saying “idk idk idk” for too long then move on, but really, it’s only been 2 years.
Post # 10
Ladybug1216: You are not being selfish, he is. Stringing you along for two years, knowing you want a baby and then pulling this at the 11th hour is selfish and unfair to you. He should have made it clear long ago that, in fact, the two of you are not on the same page.
If he had been honest from the beginning, in your place I might not have pursued a relationship, but pulling this now would be a sure dealbreaker. I didn’t do well with deceptive men or those who didn’t know their own mind. It’s one thing to come to the wonderful option of adopting an older child in your own mind, and another to be pressured and manipulated into it.
Post # 11
HappySky7: I disagree that two years for a woman in her mid 20s, is not a significant investment of time.
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Ladybug1216: I married your BF in 2007. We got divorced in 2010. He got divorced and has to deal with his ex for access to his child; it doesn’t make someone too jazzed about geting married or having kids again.
My ex tol me something similar about kids early in our relationship, then before we got married he promised he did in fact want a child with me since it was super important to me (actually it was dealbreaker and without that I would hav enever married him.) After we were married for a year he decided he “wasn’t sure again” about kids. Another year later and he was sure he didn’t want any more kids but he would reconsider in another year or two when I was ready to have a kid (I was in my mid-20s, he was in his early 30s so there was some time.) Yet another year later he decided not only did he not want anymore kids, he didn’t want to be married anymore either and we divorced.
Save yourself some time and stress (and a failed marriage), break it off and move on while you’re young and can easily find another guy who is less complicated about the kid issue and actually wants the same type of family life that you do. You cannot have half a child to make both people happy and you will absolutely regret not having a child that you want. I spoke to a few women in their 50s who don’t have kids and they all dated and married guys identical to my ex and your guy in their 20s. BY their 30s they were divorced and childless. They spent their late 30s and 40s trying to find husband #2 but by the time they met them, it was too late for kids. They all regret not having kids because they wanted them.
Post # 13
weddingmaven: Not saying it isn’t, I’m saying it’s not that long in terms of a relationship where a kid/remarriage is involved.
Post # 14
I think he’s actually being very honest, mature and self-aware. He’s also respecting your desire for a biological child by making his own decison before proposing to you and potentially locking you into a marriage that is ultimately doomed if he stayed quiet now and later on realized he didn’t want another baby.
As much as it isn’t what you’re hoping for or want to hear, what he’s telling you is a sign of the utmost respect and love for you IMO.
Also…I may be biased because I don’t think that spending 2 years in a loving relationship is wasted, even if it doesn’t work out. And I don’t think he’s “stringing you along”….if he didn’t truly care, he wouldn’t be honest about his limitations.
I’m also biased because I’d rather have the right life partner than a baby. So take my opinion for what it’s worth to you.
Post # 15
Ladybug1216: You are not being selfish in any way for wanting to have the opportunity to at least try to conceive and give birth to a child or children with the man you ultimately marry. Please do not feel guilty about wanting this.