Reason he won't marry me yet

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
8016 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Ladybug1216:  Im so sorry! That sounds awful. I would understand if he didn’t want kids period- but he wants to adopt? That IS fathering a child. What is the difference to him? I would get him to explore his thinking on that. 

How long are you willing to wait for him to decide? That sounds like torture. :/ 

Post # 3
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Ladybug1216:  I’m confused–he is willing to consider adoption but doesn’t know if he wants to father another child? Where is the reasoning with that? 

Post # 4
Member
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If it was the other way around and he had to go through pregnancy and childbirth that’s one thing, but he doesn’t want to “father a child” ?? You mean he doesn’t want to make a baby with the woman he loves and wants to marry but that he will raise someone else’s child happily?

 

There’s something fishy going on here….you need to discuss this more and sooner rather than later.

Post # 6
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

There are some things in life you HAVE to be selfish about, and your happiness is one of them. Maybe you should think about seeing a therapist for a few sessions to talk this through with some support and help you decide what it is you really want?

Post # 7
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I wouldn’t want to pursue fostering with a view to adoption if he says he doesn’t want to father another child. It seems like he said that just to avoid to “no children” talk for now, knowing you’d likely leave if he said he didn’t want to have any more children.

If getting married and having children is a priority for you, don’t let him dictate your life. 

Post # 8
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

You sound like a catch, he sounds like a fuddy duddy set in his ways. Rip off the bandaid, dump him, and find someone who shares your life goals before you end up with some poor foster kid in the mix who doesn’t have a father who loves him. Hugs.

Post # 9
Member
4215 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

TBQH I think he sounds reasonable. It’s only been two years and he has a kid to consider. If he has doubts about the future (kids, adoption etc) better he should be up front about those doubts than surprise you with them after a marriage. I think it’s too early in the relationship. He has to take things slow for his child. I think you could give it some time. If he starts saying “idk idk idk” for too long then move on, but really, it’s only been 2 years. 

Post # 10
Member
6859 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Ladybug1216:  You are not being selfish, he is.   Stringing you along for two years, knowing you want a baby and then pulling this at the 11th hour is selfish and unfair to you. He should have made it clear long ago that, in fact, the  two of you are not on the same page.  

If he had been honest from the beginning, in your place I might not have pursued a relationship,  but pulling this now would be a sure dealbreaker.  I didn’t do well with deceptive men or those who didn’t know their own mind.  It’s one thing to come to the wonderful option of adopting an older child in your own mind, and another  to be pressured and manipulated  into it. 

 

Post # 11
Member
6859 posts
Busy Beekeeper

HappySky7:  I disagree that two years for a woman in her mid 20s, is not a significant investment of time.  

Post # 12
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Ladybug1216:  I married your BF in 2007.  We got divorced in 2010.  He got divorced and has to deal with his ex for access to his child; it doesn’t make someone too jazzed about geting married or having kids again.

My ex tol me something similar about kids early in our relationship, then before we got married he promised he did in fact want a child with me since it was super important to me (actually it was dealbreaker and without that I would hav enever married him.)  After we were married for a year he decided he “wasn’t sure again” about kids.  Another year later and he was sure he didn’t want any more kids but he would reconsider in another year or two when I was ready to have a kid (I was in my mid-20s, he was in his early 30s so there was some time.)  Yet another year later he decided not only did he not want anymore kids, he didn’t want to be married anymore either and we divorced.

Save yourself some time and stress (and a failed marriage), break it off and move on while you’re young and can easily find another guy who is less complicated about the kid issue and actually wants the same type of family life that you do.  You cannot have half a child to make both people happy and you will absolutely regret not having a child that you want.  I spoke to a few women in their 50s who don’t have kids and they all dated and married guys identical to my ex and your guy in their 20s.  BY their 30s they were divorced and childless.  They spent their late 30s and 40s trying to find husband #2 but by the time they met them, it was too late for kids.  They all regret not having kids because they wanted them.

Post # 13
Member
4215 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

weddingmaven:  Not saying it isn’t, I’m saying it’s not that long in terms of a relationship where a kid/remarriage is involved. 

Post # 14
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think he’s actually being very honest, mature and self-aware.  He’s also respecting your desire for a biological child by making his own decison before proposing to you and potentially locking you into a marriage that is ultimately doomed if he stayed quiet now and later on realized he didn’t want another baby.

As much as it isn’t what you’re hoping for or want to hear, what he’s telling you is a sign of the utmost respect and love for you IMO.

Also…I may be biased because I don’t think that spending 2 years in a loving relationship is wasted, even if it doesn’t work out.  And I don’t think he’s “stringing you along”….if he didn’t truly care, he wouldn’t be honest about his limitations.

I’m also biased because I’d rather have the right life partner than a baby.  So take my opinion for what it’s worth to you.

Post # 15
Member
10986 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Ladybug1216:  You are not being selfish in any way for wanting to have the opportunity to at least try to conceive and give birth to a child or children with the man you ultimately marry.  Please do not feel guilty about wanting this.

 

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