First of all, *hug*. Sometimes life really sucks, and I’m so so sorry that you are going through this.
Second of all I am going to throw some affirmations out there, then I’ll get to my story/issues: You are worthy of your police officer boyfriend – he picked you! He had this choice of everyone, and HE. CHOSE. YOU. Funny how love is, huh? It doesn’t care about things like jobs and clothes, it cares about character and compassion an all the parts of you that are truly magnificent that maybe you can’t see right now – but he does! He sees them and chooses them and loves you! There’s no such thing as accidental or mistaken love, because when love is true it is so pure that it looks past every single other thing. I want you to know that, he wouldn’t be with you if he dind’t want to be, but he does so that’s amazing!
Insecurities are hard, and I know so many of us have them, especially about things like physical appearance and our jobs, but you do have a job, and it sounds like you are a hard worker, and I for one would never look down on someone who is doing what they can – and you have two jobs! That is amazing. You sound like a dedicated person, and I mean that. There is nothing wrong with any job if it puts food on your table and pays the rent – trust me. To soapbox – I’m sick of the shaming that goes on towards people who work at McDonalds/Walmart/Etc. because they are hardworking, instead of sitting at home an collecting a check.
I just read The Perks of Being a Wallflower (yes, because of the movie, but haven’t seen it yet) but I absolutely love the line “We accept the love we think we deserve.” You. Deserve. Love. Every person deserves love, romantic and other wise. You also deserve mad respect for all that you are an that you do.
Now, as to the situations surrounding your engagement:
Two weeks before I got engaged my Mother went to jail, and it was for her poor choices of male company. My FI and I bailed her out after much discussion. It was the first time in my life that I lost respect for my Mother, and I’m having a hard time getting it back. I’ve seen her maybe 3 times in the engagement. Yes, it isn’t ideal, but I know that I can’t let this hold me back. I can’t put my life on hold for anyone else, so I’m moving on with my engagement, she’ll be at the wedding, but I am pretty bitter towards her which gives me so much guilt, but I can’t just change my emotions. Moral of this bit: Don’t let your relationship with your mother hold you back. It’s more about your relationship with your boyfriend, I promise.
I have two college degrees an my nursing license, and I’m currently unemployed other than a part time thing giving flu shots. This is also ‘non ideal,’ but again not a deal breaker. It is where I am right now, and FI is fully supportive, as I’ve been having some medical issues lately that aren’t severe, but do prevent me from doing typical nursing duties. Again, this goes back to love, an how it looks past things like this, and when it’s time, it’s time. Things have a funny way of working out, I don’t know if you are religious, but I am. I believe that God has a plan, and it doesn’t pay much attention to our protestations, because things will play out in accordance. I would have preferred to get married 2 years ago (4 years into the relationship) when I was doing better with my job, and I didn’t have all this stress acne that popped up last year, and I was at my lowest weight ever (chronic dieter) but God just had other plans. He wanted me to get married right now. In this situation. Its a perfect plan. I don’t mean to offend you if you aren’t religious, but this is just my comfort. My go to versus are: Jeremiah 28:11 and (out of context) Psalm 46:10 (just the first half, the ‘Be still and know that I am God)
I really hope you can get out of your rut, it can be so difficult sometimes, but it IS possible. Things will work out. You will be okay. You are worthy You are beautiful. Your boyfriend loves you. I know this is all cliche in a way, but I promise I mean every single word of it. (Also, side note, I have ADHD so if it doesn’t make sense I’m sorry >.>)