Post # 1
My fiance and I have been together almost 5 years and he has been unemployed for over a year. He proposed a couple months ago while being unemployed because he “wants to marry me and felt it was time.” My FI keeps very busy doing various things, but it makes me feel like it doesn’t bother him that he’s jobless. He says it does, yet he hasn’t yet put a serious attempt into finding a job. He basically works hard at everything besides getting a job. He even plans trips with his family and his friends. Is it wrong to feel like he doesn’t deserve to take vacations until he seriously looks for a job? We don’t have kids but it makes me wonder if he would be any different if kids were involved. It’s also upsetting because I feel like I can’t start planning a wedding until he gets a job. Any suggestions/advice/help? (About me: I have a job, clean the house, make dinner, and try to be supportive but am slowly getting more and more stressed!)
Post # 3
So what is he doing all day when you’re at work? And then when you come home to cook and clean? If he were to put himself in your shoes, then maybe he could understand the frustration! It just isn’t fair that you have to do everything around the house as well as go to work. Even if he is unable to find a job any time soon, he needs to start pulling his weight at home. I’m not sure what these “various things” are that he’s doing, but unless they are chores or are bringing in some income, they are probably unnecessary and his attentions need to be focused elsewhere.
Post # 4
Disclaimer: I know I don’t know you, or your FI. This is blunt advice and I’m sorry if it offends.
I wouldn’t be having a wedding unless he had a job. I probablly wouldn’t have said “yes” either to be completely honest with you. It’s one thing to be laid off for a while, but to not put an effort into finding a job and be without for a year…This is going to sound harsh but it sounds like he proposed just to hold onto you, the provider, so he can keep doing nothing.
Post # 5
Since it bothers you that he isn’t even looking I think you need to have a serious talk with him explain your worried and really need him to be serious about the search.
you could also test the waters by getting a paper and bring up jobs by saying hey I found an ad for a job you might like…Or I got a paper for you, you should see if there’s anything good.
I also think he should be doing the household chores since he’s got so much time. There’s excuse for him not helping out
Post # 6
@LuluBride222: i kinda felt this way with my FI… (he was unemployed for a long time and it really got to me!) i understand what you are going through and you aren’t alone to resent/be angry with him. I think if you communicated it to him in the nicest way possible (as not to bruise his ego) that you need a partner and equal as a husband and not someone below or above you than you might see a change? I don’t know how your relationship is, but with me I’m so direct and blunt (sometimes labeled as mean) that it comes off harsher than my intentions. I told my now FI that if he didnt want to look for a job, then I didn’t know if I could see myself with him in the future. I wanted someone with ambitions and goals and someone who spends the whole day unshowered and unproductive was a huge turn off. It really affected our relationship because he was always holed up at home being a bum and he forgot what it was like to interact with other adults. (in my defense, i had a previous relationship with the father of my daughter and he was a complete loser/moocher and I was not going to let that happen to me again! especially with someone who has so much potential. I think he got the clue because he cleaned up his act, got a good paying job (that he had to quit) because he has enlisted in the United States Marine Corps! It was like he became a whole new man after those conversations about him being a lame ass bum. Haha. But i think after he got a job, he realized what I was talking about because he would make comments about “how he let it get that bad” etc. So if it helps be direct, if not just communicate it with him. He might not even know it bothers you. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 7
@babydollgirl: Agree! You definitly need to have a serious talk about where he sees his life going and how he’s going to get there.
Post # 8
I am going to be very blunt here and speak from past experiance so I apologize for any hurt feelings in the process.
I was with a guy like this once. Head over heels in love and had been with him for a long time. He got fired from his job and I wound up supporting us. Which wasnt that big of a deal sense I made enough to do so. But he never got another job. After a few months he stopped helping around the house, stopped helping me out. And started just drinking beer playing games and going out with his friends spending my money. He proposed and I stupidly accepted. (used my money to buy the e ring) We were engaged for about a year when I snapped to reality. How are we going to have a family without him having a job, ect. Well I talked to him and he pretended like he was looking for jobs but never got anywhere. Still didnt help around the house nothing. I gave him the ultimatum one day that it was either A get a job and stay with me, or B not get a job and loose me. He brought home applications and filled them out infront of me and told me he sent them in. So I stayed until I found the apps at the bottom of the garbage one day after the bag ripped while I was taking the garbage out. And I kicked him out right then and there. A week or so later I was going though the computer deleting all his stuff off it when I found saved conversations with another woman, nude pics of that same woman ect. He had been cheating on me for over a year. Which is why he wouldnt get a job. If he got one he would not have had the time to sleep with someone else.
Not saying this is your man, but just food for thought. A real man wants to be able to provide in some way. (Even if it is being a stay at home dad, if that fits the couples life style.) But any real man does something.
Talk to him sooner rather then later, and find out whats really up.
Post # 9
When my FI was laid off, it was single-handedly the most difficult time in our six year relationship. Do you really think having children will make him change his mind about working? There is no way he will be motivated to work to support a family if he isn’t motivated to support you.
I think you need to have serious conversation with him about this; just look around at all the posts complaining about not having enough money to pay for their wedding, he will have to have a job to give you the day you want.
Post # 10
@solsticedark: Dang, that’s rough!
Post # 11
Talk to him. Like a PP said, a real man will NOT want to get married when he can’t provide for his wife and future family.
Post # 12
I agree with MsMamaBear, my FH and I didn’t get engaged untill he had a permant full time job. He had told me earlier that he wouldn’t propse until he had a decent job so he can support me. You should really talk to your FI and just let him know how you are feeling and encourage him to find a new job, dont nag him tho, otherwise he wont want to do it even more.
Post # 13
If you’re unhappy now with the situation maginify it and that’s where you’ll be in due time.
Marriage doesn’t change things so if he’s lazy about job looking NOW, he’s going to be the same if not worse in the future. You’re right you won’t be able to plan a wedding until he finds a job unless of course you’re super rich.
Post # 14
@MsMamaBear:I disagree with that. My FI purposed and then literally got laid off the next day. We went ahead with wedding planing because it would have broken both of our hearts to not be able to get married on top of him losing his job.
BUT…. I think you need to talk to your FI about getting a job. My FI was looking for a job (actually he just got hired somewhere today!! ) but I wasn’t worried about getting on him to look for work either. Sometimes it’s easy to get discouraged after being out of work so long so they just need a little push. I would tell him he needs to at least be seriously looking though. I would also talk to him about not going on vacation if he isn’t able to pay for it. It’s not fair for you to have to pay for everything while he gets to play.. it can lead to a lot of resentment. Also, if you are at work he needs to be taking care of stuff around the house. If he isn’t making an effort to contribute to to your household then thats not a good sign.
Post # 15
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My FI was unemployed for a little over half a year a couple years ago (I was in law school at the time), and it was very stressful for me. While he did contribute around the house, he didn’t put what I considered to be a great amount of effort into looking for a new job. It occured to me then – and even more so in retrospect – that he was a bit depressed, and I worried more about that than I did about the job. (I’m not saying this means your FI is depressed – that’s just an element of my story – but are there any signs with your FI that point to that being the case?) Part of my FI’s problem was that he had a hard time taking jobs that were “beneath him.” We both graduated from a very good university, and he’s a very smart guy, but the economy tanked and he couldn’t find anything better than menial work. It was a rough adjustment for him. But I got very fed up at times and came close to just shouting, “Suck it up and be a man and get a damn job!” (I didn’t say that, though!) The economy sucks for everyone. And even while he seemed depressed, at the same time he was also using his wealth of free time to hang out with friends, party, etc. – similar to what your FI is doing with the vacations and such – it made me want to tear my hair out.
As his future wife, it’s entirely your business that he’s doing other things with his time and money besides finding a new job. He needs to be willing to have a frank conversation with you about it and listen to your concerns. I think sometimes people – and men in particular – have a tendency in situations like this to think, “Well, it’s my problem, what’s it to you?” But it’s your problem too, because you are going to commit your lives to each other, and if he doesn’t care enough to get a job, you’re stuck supporting the both of you. It absolutely affects you – and that doesn’t even address the emotional impact, which I know can be huge.
I would agree with what PP’s have said, approach him and tell him your concerns – don’t nag or criticize, and don’t use words like “lazy” because that will probably make him shut down completely. I’ve found that it can help to explain it to him in terms of you being scared or worried about the future, rather than you being frustrated that you do everything and he does nothing.
Post # 16
@Elarissa: I think that would be a different story than if he had gotten laid off before he proposed.
I’m going off my man though. We would have put it on hold or just had a small wedding so as to not use up funds that would be better used for something else.