Recently Engaged…having doubts about a secure future with soon-to-be hubby :(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

hugs first of all secondly how long have you been with him? if you guys can have a long engagement that would be best so he can try to learn the skills you are looking for. but it might be a little too late for him he may be stubborn

Post # 4
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013


@glacierfeet2013:  if you have any doubts that he is right for you then he’s probably not. You need to seriously think about things and if you are truly happy with him and your relationship.

Post # 6
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

pre martial counseling and finicial counseling are good ideas. hopefully after those courses both will find out if this relationship is worth it or if it would be best to part ways. good luck

Post # 7
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Something to remember – I was married at one point to a man with great intentions, but he never followed through.  He royally fucked my credit.  When you’re married, things like utilities get put in both your names.  Mine said he paid the electric bill, and apparently the envelopes with the checks inside were sitting on his desk the entire time, he just needed stamps and neglected to tell me.  I found out when they cut off our power.  Oh, and that lovely mark on my credit is still there.  I found out YEARS after the fact that he never paid a bunch of things that were in our names, and now they’re coming after me. 

If you think for a moment that this gets better because there’s a ring on his finger, you’re dead wrong.  Get financial counseling, and live together for at least a year.  Make sure that he follows through with what he says he will. 

Post # 8
2851 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@glacierfeet2013:  My FI is the same way. I’m always on top of him when anything needs to get handled. I’m always “nagging” him to do this or make sure this is done. He has come a long way throughout the years, but still has a long way to go.

Skills like bill paying, properly managing money, following up and through with projects were not instilled in him as a child or teenager. I’m teaching them to him. I have accepted it at this point and hope that he will become more responsible as they years go on. But I have chosen to take on that role.

You just have to decide if it’s something you can live with.

Post # 9
4041 posts
Honey bee

@glacierfeet2013:  What kind of job does a credit check on someone? Honestly, just curious.

Anyway, I think you two need to have a serious conversation about your situation and your future together…ASAP. Pre-marital counseling will help you frame the conversation and work through your issues.

How long have you two been together? Did you discuss any of this when you were talking about marriage? 

About the “butterflies” comment, I think that is all relative. When I first met my FI 10 years ago, I got butterflies and excitement when I saw him/was with him. Mind you, I was 16 and excited about everything. Over time, to some extent the newness/excitement will fade. Do I still get excited when I see him? Yes, but it’s not the same hyped up feeling. 

Do you feel safe and loved by him? Do you feel you can share anything with him and that you both support each other? Because those feelings are what matter at the end of the day and in the long run….not “butterflies.” 


Post # 10
8387 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@glacierfeet2013:  I don’t know your man or your relationship, so I can’t really say what is right for you; however, I was in a similar situation with my husband (then BF).  When we first combined finances/moved in together, we still have our own sets of bills (phone, cars, ins, etc).  While our joint bills were always paid (rent, utilities, etc), he was constantly late/missing payments on his bills.  This resulted in a credit card account of his being shut down, which really hurt his credit. 

Fast forward a year into the relationship, we’ve gotten our own apartment together, and I find out about these late/delinquent bills and I was furious with him.  The problem is, his parents never taught him how to manage money or save.  Our solution was for me to control all of the finances.  Now my husband works, I stay home, and we never have issues about our money.  I put X amount into his “fun money” account every week after bills, savings, mortgage, etc., and it works perfectly for us.

Post # 11
91 posts
Worker bee

@glacierfeet2013:  I feel your pain. I would take things very slowly and see how he does in his new job. If his credit is bad, let him repair it first. Watch him handle his finances. Watch what he does more than what he says he will do. All of this is going to affect you if you get married.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the “butterflies”. To me, that can come later if it hasn’t already. But the other problem is a biggie IMO. Good luck.:)

Post # 12
2851 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

As other PP’s have mentioned, financial counseling sounds like a great idea. I might have to do that for us!

Post # 13
6158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i think it is normal to be worried. 

my FI has essentially been on his own since he was 18.  he lived with his mother until he was 18 but she was a drug addict and wasn’t a very good parent.  FI went to college for 3 years but dropped out because he needed money more than he needed a degree.  at the time, that was what he needed to do.

FI gets by but he never learned how to be mindful of money.

i make twice what FI makes.  we’ve had long conversations about the handling of money.  i’d rather handle our money anyway, because that’s the type of person i am.

but he brings other things to the table.  he is kind, compassionate, honest, funny, would drop anything and everything for me in a heartbeat, and he will make an excellent father.

i do worry about having to “parent” him sometimes but since he has moved in with me (we’ve been living together for almost 10 months) he has learned alot about keeping a household.  when he moved it, i had to keep reminding him to clean up around the house, now he takes pride in the chores that he does.

i think you should have an honest conversation with your FI and discuss all the important things that are bothering you.


Post # 14
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@glacierfeet2013:  My fiance sounds very similar to yours. He comes from a wealthy family and was just given everything as a child. Like he never got an allowance and had to “learn to save to buy that game” or whatever – his mom just bought everything for him and his brother. It is so frusterating to try to budget with him and explain how to save money but not eating out everyday, not buying the best of the best of everything because we can’t afford it now!!

I agree with the other bees, you just have to decide if you can live with this flaw or not.

Post # 15
1178 posts
Bumble bee

@glacierfeet2013:  Hmmmm, I don’t know if counseling will help. This is his life and these are his habits. I almost married a guy like that I don’t think I would have ever known financial security with him. In fact I’m pretty sure he is living with his parents again. Maybe you are just not the best match compatability wise. These things sound important to you but not so much to him. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy just maybe not the guy for you.

Post # 16
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

What sounds the most concerning to me is that you’re not really attracted to him and he’s never “given you butterflies”. You’re friends. How does that translate into romantic love?

It doesn;t sound like the two of you are very compatible, honestly.

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