Post # 1
Recently I addressed an issue my future mother in law had with her son and I dealing with the upcoming holiday. Instead of talking to us about it, or letting us know she was upset/offended, she yelled at her son, my finace, until they were no longer speaking. I did not want a holiday ruined so I took it upon myself to call her and clear the air. I do not feel the decision my finace and I made was wrong, but I thought it would be mature to listen to what she had to say so we could avoid a similar problem next time. I apologized profously for not communicating well with her side of the family, but also let her know respectfully that while I value her opinion, I do not always agree with it. To make a long story short, the call ended rather well and we both went on our way. The following day we stopped at my FMIL’s house for breakfast that she invited us to come to. After breakfast my fiance and I went upstairs to rest. I had a headache so I went down to the kitchen to get some medicine and low and behold I over hear my FMIL talking about me and reciting word for word the entire coversation I had with her ( with a great bias) to her best friend. She was in the living room and had no idea I was standing there, so I stayed to hear the rest of the conversation. After I had had enough i went upstairs livid. My question now is can I confront her about something like this? She had no intention of having me hear the converastion, and I dont want her to think I spy on her, but I dont think what she did was right. It’s not my fault she had the tv too loud to hear me enter the room… I am very upset with her because I feel like she dragged my name through the gutter and because I feel like private conversations should stay private. I dont go spouting off to everyone I know about what she says. It hurt me a lot to hear that, and now I have a hard time being more than civil with her. What should I do?
Post # 3
I’m sorry you had to hear that. From someone who doesn’t get along with my MIL because even after I apologize, and told her that we have different views, she still thinks she has done nothing wrong and I did it all.
With that said, I don’t think there is anything you can do. Anything you say to try to make things better- won’t help. She is going to keep mocking you.
I would just give it time. Hopefully, she’ll grow up or at least get over it.
I don’t know if this is what you wanted to hear but just know that there are many of us who have to deal with someone like this. *Hugs*
Post # 4
My rule is: ignore conversations that you overhear.
They are always biased and don’t necesarily mean what the person even really thinks. While what your FMIL did was wrong, just ignore it and go only off what she told you.
Post # 5
exactly what @PinkMagnolia: said. she was probably venting.
Post # 6
A.) I honestly think you can’t say much now. If we could rewind time, I think you should have made your presence known while she was yapping about you. That would have put her on the spot. So I wouldn’t say anything about what you overheard because that would be like brining up the past and what good comes from that? Just take this as a lesson learned and take the opportunity next time. Another lesson learned is that she’s a gossiper so I’d watch what you tell her. And ditto what yrret posted.
B.) You cannot control others. Period. They will do what they please. The only thing you can control is yourself. She wants to massage her gums, that’s her choice, whether it is right or not.
Post # 7
@mtm2011: I completely agree with what the PP have said. Nothing productive can come out of your confronting your MIL. She was having what she thought was a private conversation with her best friend and blowing off steam. I doubt there’s anyone anywhere who hasn’t done the same thing many times.
Let it go.
Post # 8
Even though you “cleared the air”…she is still going to be upset over whatever the original piece of news was….right? You two are on better terms, but she didn’t get what she wanted so…
You know people vent to their friends, espeically about their kids/in-laws/you-name-it.
I wouldn’t confront her about it but I would just make a mental note that whatever you tell her, gets repeated. That’s something I always have to remind myself of when talking to my fmil 🙂
Post # 9
First …you were spying on her and listening to her private (or so she thought) conversation. You should have walked away, and as far as I see it, you knew what you were doing was sneaky and wrong, so do you want to admit it to her? Who do you think will look worse? What will you possibly gain by confronting her?
Post # 10
Thanks ladies. I didnt think I would get far by bringing it up now, but I wanted to see what everyone else thought. I cant say Ive never vented about her to my best friend before, but I guess I just thought it was really rude to be doing it while I was still in the house… She could have atleast waited until I left. Oh well, im glad I now know better than to say things I dont want repeated in front of her. Thanks for the advice
Post # 11
@ItWasntMe: sneaky? Im not so sure it was sneaky.. I didnt go out of my way to listen to her, she was in the living room talking about me loudly enough to be heard from all the way across the house.. The living room is connected to the kitchen and no walls divide it.. I had no idea when I went down there what was going to happen. I think it’s human nature to have stayed. I wasnt hiding, I was right out in the open. If I had to hide or listen behind a door that’s one thing. But youre right, I would probably come across worse bringing it up.
Post # 11
@mtm2011: Yeah, I’m going to take all of this advice, too. My MIL was complaining about a decision I made after my church ceremony. (She was still in the church (!) and there were guests and my family still in the church! I still can’t believe she though no one would hear.) Yeah, so I was definitely not happy about it.
Post # 12
That stinks!! But, try to brush it off, saying something would lead to more awkwardness. 🙁
Post # 12
@mtm2011: Well then lesson learned right? If she doesn’t want to handle it the same way as you do, there’s not much you can do. I would limit how “personal” you get with her for a while though if it makes you uncomfortable knowing she will do this. Yes, people vent. But you’re right. You had an expectation that it would stay private. She didn’t. So if you don’t want it to get out, depending on the nature of what was said, I would just communicate with her differently.
With my FILs I just stay polite, but never get too close. Is it the most healthy relationship? DEFINITELY not, but it saves me a lot of hurt feelings and drama. I’m a fan of less drama. 😉 We don’t all get along with our ILs or FILs. Just have to learn how to deal with their approaches.
GL and sorry you had to hear it. But it’s kind of a blessing in disguise.
Post # 13
In my opinion, its not worth it. This woman will probably never admit when she is wrong as opposed to her always being right.
You cannot change or control her; so you do your best to make the best out of all situations. I think what you did by calling her was the right thing to do, and you will always need to be the bigger person so that you’re never upset with yourself or a decision that you may make (with her).
I wouldn’t even bother confronting her, it wont do anything but turn into a fight (and you know that). Regardless how wrong she is. Just know your place with this woman and avoid the negative confrontations (thats what I do with mine) 🙂
Post # 14
I wouldn’t say anything, because not only would she think you were eavesdropping, she probably would still think she was in the right. I understand wanting to confront her though. One of my SILs talked crap about me on Facebook, right out in the open where I very clearly saw it. I was livid, but I knew there was no point in addressing it, because she will probably think she was right to do what she did, and that I was wrong to do what I did.
Sorry you’re having to deal with it though. If people want to talk about you, they should really do it when there’s no chance you’ll be in the vicinity.