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Wow - that seems super high to me. I haven't shopped around a lot yet, but I know some nice places in Dallas that charge about $60pp for dinner and $40pp for a good bar. Are you picking really high quality foods, like steaks, shrimp, etc?
that does seem high for north carolina but i'm not familiar with the hotel. just as a point of comparison, the ritz carlton in downtown new york city starts at the $225 pp number not including tax/gratuity. Do your numbers include tax/gratuity?
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yeah, but cary, north carolina? if you're paying as much there as for the ritz in nyc, you'd better be getting the most outstanding package ever (which you could be!).
the reason i'm caveating is that it could be a super duper historic high end hotel in north carolina and i just dont know it. for example the greenbrier (five diamond hotel) in west virginia is AMAZING but you would never think that b/c its in west virginia. no knock again any west virginians!! 
true enough. it seems like our answer is: southernbella, if it's world famous, then that's right on target. if it's not, we need more details... ;)
That seems incredibly high to me too. We're paying about $50/person for a 10-course meal (ok, its a Chinese banquet meal), but we also looked into high-end country clubs for our reception site. We were quoted about $100-125/person for dinner. I am in San Francisco, Bay Area. For the hotel in NC, unless the food and service are impeccable, if I were in your shoes, it would be hard for me to justify spending that much on just the reception. There are so many other things you have to budget for as well--DJ, flowers, the dress, rings, etc. The guest count may have to be cut down to account for the budget. Plus I'm not sure the guests would be able to tell the difference between a $200/person meal and a $100/person meal. Thats just my thoughts.
I'm getting married in Greensboro, NC (about an hour from Cary). The hotel we are having our reception at is about $1,000.00 which includes linens, set-up, clean up, votives, etc. For passed apps, a sit down meal, tea/coffee and dessert (which we won't have b/c we're having cake), the price per person is $40-$60 depending on the menu we choose. This DOES NOT include tax, gratuity, or the bar. I would continue to look around and compare... It's hard to compare with peeps not in NC. Does the price include the room rental fee, linens, etc.?
I think it totally depends on what that includes- some places include EVERYTHING- linens, some flowers, open bar, food, gratuity, room rental, wait staff. If this is an all-inclusive it is totally different story than if this is just for the meal. What are you getting?
It's the umstead hotel and spa, which is 5 diamond- and no, there are no food options other than the predetermined menus (165-225 pp), no florals and its for 4 hours. It includes tax and gratuities, and there is no ballroom rental fee. It just seems super high to me compared to a lot of other quotes I've gotten, but the site and service itself is FLAWLESS. The bandstand and additional services I need will be extraas well. It's terrible to say but its the only place in the Raleigh area that can offer a (newer) ballroom that isn't navy or purple or some awful floral motif- I simply cannot find one (and I'm not willing to make our guests drive from the chapel for 40 minutes to get to the reception, so Chapel Hill and Durham are out).
The price still sounds high, but the fact that it does include tax and gratuity is an important point. When that is not included, it can add on a huge chunk of change that you're not prepared for.
Four hours doesn't seem like a lot to me for that much money..... is that including a cocktail hour? Are you sure the reception isn't 5 hours, but the bar is only open for 4 hours? My reception is at a hotel in suburban Philadelphia, includes linens, chair covers, an open bar, centerpieces, and a cake; there is a cocktail hour with passed hors d'ouevres, and dinner and dancing will be another four hours. Not including tax and gratuities, we're paying about $110 per person.
If it's really what you love but you can't justify the price, maybe stay on the low-end of the food choices (it sounds like even the lowest priced meal would be impeccable), and bargain with them to add on an extra hour to the reception if it is indeed only four hours including the cocktail hour. In the wedding world, most things are negotiable 
Keep your centerpieces simple but elegant with lots of candles so you're not dropping a lot of cash for flowers.
Good luck!
PS, I just looked at the website of the venue (which is gorgeous!) and it does say your cake and linens are included, so that's a plus..... plus charger plates, which can add a lot to your tables so you don't need to go overboard with flowers.
Maybe see if you can make the cocktail time 45 minutes, limiting how many passed hors d'oevres they'll need to make, and maybe minimize the "elaborate cold display" in an exchange for an extra 30-60 minutes of dancing for the same price?
compare to mine: we get 4 hrs. reception time plus 1 hr. cocktail, which is standard. the linens, cake, candles, service, 5 passed hors d'oeuvres, cold display, 3 course dinner, chargers & coffee. We are serving prime rib, sea bass, and mushroom ravioli as choices. we are having a 5 hour premium open bar, and they are premium liquors. The only thing that is not included is the tax & gratuity, which adds slightly over $2000 to our total. Oh - and champagne toast, which is actually pricey - comes to about $800. Anyway, our per person price is $130. We are at a "boutique" venue in Boston. So, if you can get the $165 pp, that is the max I would spend, unless you were serving lobster or something. You figure the $130 plus tax and gratuity, and plus the champagne (ours comes out to $6 pp), it is probably pretty close to $150-160. the only difference is ours is 5 hours, and yours is four. I know some people suggested changing up the time, getting rid of the cold display, etc. Most places don't allow you to change things...but I was in the same place as you - I didn't want the color schemes/decor of most places....so if you can budget it, then do what you want!
You should also consider that there's no room rental fee -- I'm expecting to spend about $12k on catering/bar but my venue is also $5k. All wrapped together, that will probably total your overall fees for 100 guests or so.
since it is five diamond, the pricing doesn't sound totally ridiculous, esp if it includes tax/gratuitity. However, every venue has an offseason. maybe you can negotiate on costs that way. using the ritz in ny again as an example. they were VERY accomodating for off season weddings (jan and feb) as well as sunday afternoon affairs.
It is 165 for chicken or mahi mahi...225 for filet and some other option. Their version of premium liquor includes Gordons vodka...brands like that. We're expecting anywhere from 250-300 people and it is a 1 hr. cocktail and 3 hour dinner time frame which I'm not pleased with at all. I'm waiting on 2 other hotels in the area to open up before I make a final decision though. I'd much rather have a more "party" atmosphere as opposed to a 3 hour dinner (say, a buffet, or heavy appetizers and a breakfast buffet put out at 10 or so) but I'm more rigid on overall atmosphere at this point. our planner has called as well and the Umstead is absolutely unbudgeing regarding pricing...Hopefully my other options will be tasteful, but if not this is looking like IT.
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I was just quoted 165-225 per person for a Hotel in Cary, NC. Whats the norm? this is a dinner reception, with 4 hours of premium (although I don't consider their premium brands premium...) bar service. Wedding cake included and butler passed hors de vours for an hour before the dinner.