Reconciling with not having kids

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
1242 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

I am so sorry you’re going through this, i’m sure it’s difficult.

the only advice i can offer is do you have nephews/nieces/friend’s kids nearby? You could make them your “adopted” kid, ones you hang out with often and spoil as if they were your own…

::hugs::

Post # 4
Member
676 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I wish I knew what to say to that, but I don’t really know.  FI doesn’t really want kids either, he thinks he will be a horrible father but I beg to differ.  We have agreed upon one child because even though I’m not super fond of children sometimes, I would never want to miss out on that opportunity.  

Maybe there is some underlying fear going on that he doesn’t want to say?  Maybe he is nervous he would screw something up?  

Post # 5
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee

@kay01:  600k in savings?!? LORD. Perhaps you guys should seek counseling. Not having children would e a deal breaker for me but if its not for you then you need to focus your energy elsewhere. Maybe take up a new hobby or start traveling more.

Post # 6
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I agree with PP to consider counseling either just for him or couples counseling. It doesn’t seem fair to you to have to ‘deal’ with it so I would try that before you resolve yourself to live forever without children. I wish you luck!

Post # 8
Member
4410 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I am really sorry you are going through this. If your husband is truly serious, I honestly would consider option 1, as heartbreaking as it is. If you want children, I don’t think there’s a way you can reconcile yourself to not even trying to have them. 

Post # 10
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

600K in savings?  Why the heck are you paying a dime on student loan interest?  I guess it’s none of my busines.

Even if you had 10K saved and pulled in 195K a year you could make kids work.  My FI has 3 siblings and they grew up without a lot and they turned out FINE.   

 

Post # 12
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@kay01:  well to blow everyones minds, maybe there could be a ‘oops’ baby..– life happens, and everyone deals with it in stride. Things are a lot different when it’s not so hypothetical anymore.  Option #3? 😉  Good luck bee with your decision

Post # 13
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I just have to say…. I want that kind of savings!! 😉

 

Otherwise, my heart hurts for you. I can’t imagine how you feel right now. If kids is something you truly, absolutely want, then I don’t really think it’s fair to compromise on this. I know that divorce would be awful and heartbreaking… but which heartbreak would be worse? 🙁

Post # 14
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this.  With my first marriage, this would have been a dealbreaker, even if he changed his mind after we were married.  I had one planned child, who is now grown.  I would have regretted not being a mom.  Even though I did end up as a single mom, the sacrifices I made were worth it.  You need to really think hard about what you truly want.  In my second marriage, I contemplated having a child, but we both decided we were just too old to make the commitment.  I hope you find some peace, whatever your decision.

Post # 15
Member
676 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@kay01:  I hate to say it, but it sounds like he is being a little selfish on that front.  I say that because I too hate my job with a fiery passion, but I am too lazy/nervous about staring somewhere new that I only half ass look.  Same goes for my FI because he is the same way. 

I think you’d be fine making what you make right now and having a child, there are ways to save money and you guys are already pretty well off financially, moreso than a lot of people that do have children.  

Post # 16
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@kay01:  Has he outright said NO?  or is he just kind of hoping it goes away?

Have you asked him how he would feel if you accidentally got pregnant?

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