Reconsidering the guest list

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
8285 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yes it is very rude to send a STD and then not invite them. No way around that. Also STDs dont need to be acknowledged like an invite, so that’s no excuse.

Post # 3
15072 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yes, it would be rude not to invite them after sending out an std. If your new friends are that good of friends, simply explain the situation to them and ask them once you get declines then you would be happy to have a spot for them. As a friend, I know I would be understanding of the predicament and hope for the best resolution.

Post # 4
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yeah you can’t uninvite somebody. However, if you’ve only invited 70, and you can invite 75, invite the other two. My guess is not everyone will show up anyway. And life gets busy. Just because not everyone let you know how cute your STD’s are and wants to meet up for coffee over them doesn’t mean they are not invested in your life. I wouldn’t be too put off. 

Post # 5
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

lana1709:  I have had this same issue and to be honest we still haven’t decided. We are a little less than 7 months out but when they recieved their save the dates they were already like oh we can’t come (we sent them out a year in advance?) 

Good luck– commenting to follow.

Post # 6
7471 posts
Busy Beekeeper

lana1709:  Why would you expect people you haven’t really seen or talked to since highschool to ring you up for coffee ust because they got your std? Have you tried ringing them up for a coffee in this time?

As for the invite…..well this is what happens when you get into a wedding bubble and decide to invite acquaintances instead of friends. It is rude to not invite them now but if you have no plans on seeing them again socially, and it already sounds like that has been the norm, then not sending them an invite probably won’t end the friendship because there isn’t one there.

Post # 7
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It would be rude not to invite them after sending a Save the Date.

Nevertheless, you can pretty much count on some people RSVPing NO to the invitation, so there should be room for your new friends.

You could even do the dreaded “B list” – see how much room you have left after the RSVP deadline passes, and then invite more people.

Post # 8
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

i agree with PP’s that it’s rude to send a save the date, and then not invite them.

However, not everyone is going to attend your wedding.  You’re probably safe inviting at least 80-85 people.    

We did the “B-list”, which were basically people that didn’t get save the dates. We got quite a few no’s from save the dates, since we had online RSVPs and I encourage people to decline if they already knew they wouldn’t be able to come.  We have quite a lot of family living abroad and knew they probably wouldn’t come, but wanted to show them they were invited/welcome.

I don’t think anyone that got an invitation but not a save the date was remotely bothered.  Some people don’t even do std.

Post # 9
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

lynnielou33193:  I read that if people decline after recieving them a save the date, then it’s actually bad etiquette to send them an invite.  So maybe you’re off the hook if they’ve already said no?

Post # 10
1652 posts
Bumble bee

lana1709:  When I was a girl, there was an “autograph book” fad: we all had little bound books with blank pages that we carried around and got people to sign in them. There were sentimental little poems that people included when they signed, one of which went:

Make new friends, but keep the old:

Those are silver, these are gold.

If people with whom you shared four formative years as you grew into womenhood together, can simply drop out of your life; what makes you think your co-worker relationships of little more than a year will be more lasting? If you were to be laid off tomorrow, do you think those colleagues would still be calling you up to go for coffee?

I have two pieces of advice for brides-to-be who might in the future find themselves in your situation:

First, don’t send Save-the-date notices in the first place. Exciting though it might seem to have some pseudo-official document displaying your name combined with your fiance’s, Save-the-date cards are actually quite inelegant. They are reminiscent of an advance-advertizing brochure, and give you the appearance of someone who is trying to steal a march on other hostesses by getting your date reserved first, as if you weren’t confident that your friends would actually accept your invitation if you didn’t get it onto their calendars early. While it is true that people coming in from out of town need to make vacation and travel arrangements, the proper way to do that is to share your plans with your nearest-and-dearest in loving hand-written personal notes (or loving hand-typed personal emails.)

Of course, in your case, that ship has sailed. So on to …

Second: maintain appropriate boundaries between your social life and your business life. Your relationships with your colleagues should, naturally, be friendly; but that is not the same as their being friends. It is entirely possible for a colleague to also be a friend, but it does not happen automatically or even commonly. I hark back to the question I asked earlier: would you still be seeing them if you were laid off or fired? Do you socialize with them on holidays and weekends (lunch-hours and going to the bar after work don’t count as those are pseudo-work events.) Do you know their home addresses to send the invitations to so that you don’t have to give them their invitations at the office? Do you know their husband’s names to include on the invitation without asking? Are you comfortable with their knowing about the skeletons in your closet that might come out during wedding speeches and toasts, or in dinner-table conversations if Auntie Mildred gets a little tipsy and starts telling stories? If you aren’t answering a whole-hearted Yes! to all those questions, then rethink the appropriateness of treating these colleagues as true social friends.

Post # 11
795 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This is a reason STD’s should only be given to VIP guests such as relatives and family members you want to celebrate with. Our room was capped at 50 – our choice, but we waited to send out invites to our friends because we were able to play with family numbers first (we didn’t invite children, either). 

I’m not sure why you even thought to invite people who you don’t see or hang out with. If you hang out with your friends from work – outside of work – then invite them. If you don’t I don’t see the need to include them. 

Post # 12
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

aspasia475:  I don’t see how sending a loving hand-written note rather than a “save the date” would have changed her current predicament at all. Either way, she’s informed someone of the wedding that she now doesn’t want to invite.

Post # 13
1652 posts
Bumble bee

spiffanee:  Ah, you missed the qualifier “with your nearest-and-dearest”. If she truly counted her old highschool friends among her “nearest-and-dearest “, she would not now be looking for a way to avoid inviting them.

Post # 14
5372 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

lana1709:  Save the Dates don’t require acknowledgment or response. If people already know they can’t come, they might tell you that. Your mom or sister might say how cute they are. Other than that, they get stuck on the fridge until the invitation comes. It would be rude to disinvite them for not calling you up for coffee after getting your save the date.

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