Red flags or am I just paranoid?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
6604 posts
Bee Keeper

At the very least, he does seem drama-prone. Maybe it’s because he’s adjusting to his new role, but I could see this behavior recurring when things get stressful in the future. Take that as you will. Businesses can be difficult. 

Post # 3
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

ButterflyButterfly:  I have no first hand knowledge of the restaurant business, but from what I have been told, you basically live your life around the business. It sounds like your FI is getting burned out. I’d draw a line in the sand about how he is treating you. He needs to find a better way to deal with his frustration than to take it out on you.

I’m sorry OP, what an awful position to be in. You need to do some soul searching and decide if you can be married to someone who is essentially married to his job. It sounds like the family business will always be first…..can you live with that? 

Post # 4
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

My husband works with his family, and he will get frustrated and not exactly take it out on me, but get mad at me for things that ordinarily wouldn’t bother him.  I call him out on it.  You might need to remind your fiance that his work and his frustrations with it are NOT because of you.  I would say something like, “Please do not yell at me.  I am not part of your work life.  I have no control over what happens to you at work, or what happens with the restaurant.  If you need to vent, that is fine, but please do not direct your anger at me.  It is not fair and it is hurting our relationship.”  

 

Post # 5
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m sorry you’re being put in such a dramatic situation. I don’t really have any advice, but being a small business owner, the whole sketchy books thing is very scary. I’d be somewhat nervous about the IRS randomly showing up in your future. 

Post # 6
Member
9531 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Honestly, I would be having some concerns as well. You’re getting ready to agree to live with man for the rest of your life. Can you handle this the rest of your life? It may be that he is just settling into this and he’ll chill out. But I’ve learned that people rarely change the basic things abouut them. Thus, if the job stresses him out and he’s going to keep the job, he will likely continue to be stressed out. And you have to decide if you can handle living with that.

Being a private business owner is a huge responsibility and comes with tons of stress and no vacations. Personally, I made it clear from the begining that i wasn’t interested in marrying someone who was in the military or owned their own business. I just don’t think I could  handle it. Obviously, lots of other people handle it just fine. You just have to figure out which group you’re in.

Post # 7
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I see so many things worng here.

1. He’s taking stress out on you.  He needs help on how to manage stress, maybe go to couples therapy.

2. He’s having his wedding reception in his place of work and it’s his job to be in charge of the catering.  Why would you ever think this was a good idea?

3. He had to suffer the costs of his stisters wedding.  The parents should pay the restaurant costs if they wanted it that way.

4. He told you you were not part of the family and called you an outsider, I think I’d take the hint and leave.  You arn’t family to him.  Not sure how this happened to you, but please don’t marry the man in the current state.

It is true when people own buisnesses, often thier family does not come first, but in this case it seems like his parents, uncles, sister all do come fist and you come 2nd.  

Post # 8
Member
7217 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

ButterflyButterfly:  it sounds like your FI needs to get his priorities in mind and learn how to stand up to his family. He is currently being forced to take from you two in order to give his mom what she wanted and he’s being forced to take the hit for however his family wants to spend money. 

It sounds like he has all the responsibility and no authority over decisions, which is enough to drive anyone insane. The question is, will he do anything about it? 🙁 

Post # 9
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. My biggest problem with this is he doesn’t view you as family, when soon, you will (should) be his number one family. From the way it sounds, his view of this won’t change, so you need to dig deep and see if you are ok with being number 3 in his life. Numbers one and two are the businesses and his blood family. 

Post # 10
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

No advice really but I second what OMGMrsW2B:  said about the books. If your FI is legally listed as manager and the RS came around, you, as a spouse are also potentially responsible. That is scary! Also, don’t know if you are religious, but the whole “leave and cleave” verse seems to ring true. A man should leave his mother and father and cleave (unite) with his wife.  He shouldn’t abandon his family or work obligations, but he has a new family now, with you and that has to be the priority. Doing what is best for your family might be working the family restaurant, but his mind needs to be in the right place. All this stress needs to be worth it for YOU and HIM first and foremost, not the rest of his family. It sounds like you really need to take some time to think, and calmly discuss it when he is not super stressed (which I know might be rare!) Hugs! This sounds like a sucky situation!

Post # 13
Member
7262 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

If you’re wondering if you’re making the biggest mistake of your life, that is AT LEAST cause to postpone the wedding.

Post # 14
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June, 2014

Yeah… Postpone the wedding, seek some therapy for your and for him. If he called you an outsider, my guess is that he’ll always see you that way. To tell you that you’re just lucky his family accepted you is not healthy and for me, I’d be constantly scared and trying to win the family’s approval. He needs to make a change for you. Sit down and really talk about all this, because you are justifiably hurt. Don’t let him squirm around your questions and make a choice based on his response. Best of luck.

Post # 15
Member
7531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ButterflyButterfly:  Definitely Red Flags.  Minimum: I would postpone to see if the stress dissipates some, but in all honesty, I wouldn’t want to come after everyone else.  I think I would RUN.  I think he is straight out telling you what it is.  It doesn’t sound like this would change, and could be a life of misery for you.  

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