Post # 1
My fiance is in the airforce and is in pilot training. He will be done soon and we talked about pinning the wings on him. Usually the wife or fiance does this– however his dad is a former air force pilot and had mentioned in the past that he wanted to pin the wings. I thought by the time we were engaged that I would be the one to do this and my fiance said that i can figure that out with his dad–which to me is a slap in the face. I have been the one supporting him and he doesn’t even want me to put his wings on?? To me, this feels like a make or break situation. If he feels this way then it kind of shows me he doesn’t really love me and appreciate my support.. There are other red flags that I am concerned about like how he just doesn’t seem to care about my feelings with this situation and speaks to me in a demeaning manner sometimes. We have been together for a very long time so it is very hard to think about ending the relationship but I feel that if he doesn’t want me to put his wings on then maybe he is not the one I need to spend my life with and give up everything for. ANy thoughts? Am I overreacting or do I have a point?
Post # 3
@maryiteller: Marriage isn’t a new beginning. It is a continuation. You should never look at a relationship like you’re “giving up everything”. You make sacrifices and compromises.
Post # 4
@maryiteller: i don’t believe this situation should be a make it or break it kind of thing. I’m in aviation myself and I feel in this situation his dad should pin the wings ( can you try to see it from his dads shoes?) what if one day your daughter follows in your footsteps and chooses your profession. Would you not be proud? Try to be understanding, you FI will appreciate this and take note.
Post # 5
You’re thinking about leaving someone you love because you might not get to pin wings on him? That seems really over the top IMO!
I’ve noticed a lot that when people get engaged they start finding all these things that they interpret as ‘red flags’. I honestly think it’s because everyone is going ‘OMG, I’ll be with this person forever- what if this tiny issue is actually a huge deal?!’
I think you’re overreacting.
Post # 6
When I finish my PhD, I will dedicate my thesis to my late father, rather than my husband. I don’t think this is a big deal.
Seeing that your future father in law was a former air force pilot, it would be a great moment of pride for him to put the wings on his son. (shared passion, growing up following his dad’s footsteps etc)… Would this mean as much to you to be able to do it?
Post # 7
Hi @maryiteller: first & foremost I see this is your Debut post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”
Wings… not so much
(Gee I didn’t even know this was a Wife / Fiance / GF sort of thing… really)
I gotta agree with the other Bees here in regards to the Dad, one because they share a common bond (flying) and two because this is more like a “Graduation” and that tends to be most heavily celebrated with one’s family who has been there thru thick & thin since the beginning of time (I know you’ve been there too… but not since Nursery School / Kindergarten kind of been there)
On the otherhand, you could be right about RED FLAGS when it comes to this statement:
There are other red flags that I am concerned about like how he just doesn’t seem to care about my feelings with this situation and speaks to me in a demeaning manner sometimes.
That really resonates for me.
If you are saying that you feel he doesn’t care about your feelings as much as you’d like him to, and that he can be demeaning to you that is certainly problematic… if not a big old RED FLAG
Ya it sucks to break up with someone…
BUT I can tell you it is a zillion times easier than being married to the wrong person.
Cannot tell you if this guy is the one, or if this situation is gonna be the “make it or break it one” for you…
BUT I certainly think you guys have some issues that you need to address… be that alone or with a Counsellor.
(( HUGS ))
Post # 8
Doesn’t seem like a big deal to me – it’s a unique situation because he’s following in his father’s footsteps.
Post # 9
I think you should just let it be between him and his father. There are going to be many moments you two are going to share that his dad can’t be a part of. Let him have this one. If you dig your heels in you’ll lose his respect as well as his fathers.
Post # 10
@HappySky7: I agree. I’m sure he loves you, and he told you to hash it out with his dad because he doesn’t feel like he needs to choose between you and his dad, which is what you’re ultimately asking him to do. His father probably wanted his son to follow in his foot steps, before you were even around and I think it’s a proud moment for them to share. You’ll ruin a special moment. Please see it that way. Don’t make him choose as you’ll bring up questions in his mind regarding you.
Post # 11
So far the consensus is the same. I guess I have just seen all the wives pinning their husbands and for me it would be symbolic of the commitment I have made to him and support I have given him throughout his difficult training so to not be pinning him. I will be the one going through the deployments and difficult times in the future so I guess I put a lot of weight on this one moment… So I guess I shouldn’t take it personally and feel as though he loves me less than other husbands love their wives…(who are pinning the pins)
Post # 12
@maryiteller: I think in this case Dad should be the one to pin the wings on him.
The way I feel about it is this girlfriends ( and wives ) can come and go, but you Olny get one dad and one moment like this.
If you are seriously considering ending a relationship OVER the fact that he would like to share a milestone with his dad especially if he is following in dads footsteps, that might be for the best.
I would take a serious evaluation on your relationship if you feel like there are so many red flags, if you think something like this will turn into resentment ( which it is sounding like ) , it might be best to cut your losses, for both your sakes.
if you feel that this is something you can work through, I would look into counseling to talk about realistic expectations and communication issues.
ETA: how old are you and how long have you been dateing, that might change my answer somewhat.
Post # 13
@imalittlebirdie: We are 29 and have been together almost 8 years. long time! we have had a lot of ups and downs and have been through a lot of long distance dating… I can see how it is special for his dad but i just know the day of the pinning i am going to feel sad deep down when i see every other wife pinning their husband and i’m just sitting in the crowd like i am nobody….
Post # 14
You keep saying “wife” doing the pinning
I take it you guys won’t be married by then. So even tho you’ve been together 8 years, you will still only be BF & GF or Fiance & Fiancée
I could maybe see where this would be a bigger SNUB towards you if you guys were married… but not married I don’t see it the same.
Married is different from Dating, Living Together, Engaged etc.
Proof is easily found on this website… it is what everyone ultimately wants, because it is regarded by society to be different.
Post # 15
we will be secretly married by then with wedding celebration later.. but our families will know so technically i will be wife…. but you still think it isn’t a big deal even as wife?
Post # 16
@maryiteller: I feel like you are relying to much on public displays of love.
i’m just sitting in the crowd like i am nobody….
You aren’t nobody, you are the woman he is going to spend the rest of his life with, just because he is giving this ONE moment to his dad doesn’t mean you matter less. Personally I would much rather be thanked for my support in private becuase I feel like it is more heartfelt because it is just for you and no one else. I think you are getting caught up in looking like the one who supported him instead of being happy with the fact that you are the one he has chosen to actually be a major part of his support system. Who cares if you seem like nobody in the crowd? Everyone who truly matters knows how important you are to your FI and how much you helped him through this time, some people may even think your FI is lucky because they know he has you out there in the crowd watching this wonderful moment and may think you are an amazing person because you stepped aside and gave the moment to someone else important to your FI. It shows there are SO many people that care about and support this man you have chosen to spend your life with.
I can’t really say anything else about your relationship because I’m not in it. If there are other reasons to leave the relationship then leave but don’t let this be the deciding factor because it is just one moment in a lifetime.