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Is this a new guy or the one from the previous engagement? Yes, it will look greedy if it's the old guy; if it's the new guy, I don't think so. You're starting over with the new guy -- why would you keep the stuff from the old relationship?
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I agree with Rebecca -- if it is your old guy you really shouldn't re-register. If it is a new guy, go ahead! And, you might be surprised by his family or a mutual friend throwing you both a shower.
2 showers in 2 years for 2 different guys? Yikes! I can see why you are concerned. I don't think 2 years is long enough for people to forget they previously got you gifts.
I agree with your mom that a shower wouldn't be appropriate for all the friends and family who gave generous monetary gifts the first time around. However, people will certainly want to give you wedding gifts, so I think it would be appropriate to register with the new guy. If his side throws you a shower- great! If not, people will still like to have a registry to guide their wedding gift purchases.
*****UPDATE*****
Yes, yes, yes, it's a new guy!!! I should've clarified that! Sorry...
So, IF someone in his family does throw us a shower, should I extend an invitation to people in MY family, and let them choose to come or not come?
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the thing is, the first gifts should have been returned. this is why they say not to use the gifts beforehand. I am sure a lot of guests were slightly upset, as they gave you gifts for a wedding that didn't happen. I am sure they feel bad, but you shouldn't expect a second gift from them. I had a similar situation once (not myself). Someone got married, then a few years later got divorced. obviously she had the shower and got gifts then. Then she was getting remarried, and had another shower (the question of doing this again has also been discussed here)....two weeks before the wedding it was called off. She ended up returning the gifts. As a guest, I thought it was slightly annoying to have the second shower (lets face it - the guys do not care about showers, so it wasn't for him), after we had already given the bride gifts at her first shower. A wedding gift is different. its like you only have a baby shower for the first baby? SO anyway - in my opinion, I would have been a little upset if my gift had not been returned, and then to ask me for another one a year later, would be more annoyed. Like you said, you don't expect your mother/your family to throw you another shower. But if someone in his family does, I would invite only your close immediate family. His family may wonder why none of your family is showing if none of them go if they dont' know the whole story. And make it clear to these family members that you don't expect a gift from them, just to be there to support you. know what I mean? regardless, you should register for a few gifts, but let that be word of mouth.....people will still want to give you wedding gifts! a shower though is technically only a gift-giving event, and your guests shouldn't have to do this twice.
As someone who doesn't know you - I would say definitely do NOT have a shower (hosted by either side). Do register somewhere with your FI for wedding gifts, but do NOT put the registry info on your website, in the invites, anywhere. Just tell his mom, sister, etc. - his side of the family can bring you gifts, and then your family and friends don't feel like it is expected if they don't even know about the registry. Calling off a wedding only 3 days before - I'd love to hear that story. Wow! It takes a lot of courage to cancel a wedding. Most people (who want to cancel the wedding) don't have that courage; they just go through with it and end up divorced in a year. Glad that things are better.
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dreambml - i have to disagree a little, my FH is TOTALLY psyched about the prospect of a shower. I think SOME guys may not be really into the whole thing, but mine is.
Like I mentioned, we offered to return all the gifts and only my aunt and grandma who had purchased all of our china settings took us up on the offer. Everyone else kind of scoffed when we offered to return gifts, they were kind of offended that we suggested it.
Also, we didn't use all of the gifts before the wedding. Most were still in their boxes. It was the gift cards we spent on home improvements that were used and we weren't really sure how we would go about "returning" those to the person we received them from.
Obviously we aren't going to go hog-wild and register for everything in the store, but neither of us have a nice set of pans, or linens or towels, things of that nature.
Well, of course your guests said you didn't *have* to return the gifts. That is the polite thing to say - it's probably what you would say in the same situation. You really should have returned them anyway, although that's sort of water under the bridge.
I would go ahead and register - I assume that his family and friends didn't also just spring for wedding gifts in the past year, so they should be in a shopping mood. I would just make sure to register for a number of lower price gifts, as a courtesy to your family and friends. Because if I was one of your friends, I would definately want to get you a present - to show my good wishes - but assuming that I spent a fair amount of money last time, I would probably get you something a little smaller this time around.
You're right that (even though guys care less about this stuff) HE hasn't been through this before, nor has his family. My DH was previously married, and to read some of these boards you would think that meant that I would have been out of line to register. However, MY family and friends have never had the chance to go crazy buying me wedding type gifts, and his previous wedding was really, really small - most of his extended family and friends weren't invited - so if there was any snarkiness about how we shouldn't want or need presents I certainly didn't hear it.
My best friend was in this situation: here is how she handled it (and no one seemed to get upset)
Guy#1: I threw her a Wedding Shower instead of a Bridal Shower -- lots of gifts and cash were received. When she called off the wedding, she tried to return the gifts and the cash, but everyone told her to keep it.
A year later -- Guy #2: They decided not to have a wedding shower, and his side of the family threw her a bridal shower. They registered for Wedding Gifts, and used the same registry for the bridal shower. I asked her if she wanted me to throw her a shower and her response was "you already did". I personally bought her a gift anyway, but most people who had bought gifts for the first shower did not. Everyone still bought wedding presents for her and her new guy.
On another note -- for the 2nd wedding she paid for our bridesmaid dresses because we all lost $$ on the first one.
This is the 2nd friend of mine that has done this -- the other friend called off her wedding during the bridal shower!
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I'm kind of confused. Your profile says you are already married. Is your wedding next July 3rd or what's goin' on?
I'd just be ultra discrete about the registry, only verbally passing the info when asked, and being fairly modest in what you put on it. If a shower should happen, only invite people on your side who are super close to you whom you know won't get offended.
Agree with Caliocteach - definitely register for those people who want to give you gifts, but forgo the shower on your side of the family.
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MrsSpitzer ------ oops! Thanks for pointing that out. I'm not married yet. Small typo! :)
I really don't think you should have a second shower. If you do decide to do so I would recommend ONLY inviting people who were not invited to the first shower. The whole idea of a shower is to give the bride gifts and those who attended the first shower would probably be offended if they were asked again to come and give gifts, especially considering some of them were probably put out by your 3 days in advance cancelled wedding previously. Not to be mean, but it's the truth.
You will surely get lots of fabulous gifts at the wedding and therefore there is really no need to have a second shower. I was invited to a second shower before (the bride had been married about 2 years prior and divorced) and I decline to attend as I thought it was extremely tacky.
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MsB - Sorry, but isn't the idea of a WEDDING shower to give gifts to the bride AND groom?? I was under the impression that a BRIDAL shower was strictly for the bride, and the WEDDING shower was for both.
Anyhow, I don't think my FH should have to miss out on a shower just because I called off my previous engagement. However, we would only invite immediate family from my side, and of course, his extended family. AND, I wouldn't be the one hosting it. So, should someone from HIS side decide they want to throw one for us, I would use careful discretion and consideration when sending invites to MY family and friends.
Thanks all for the advice. :)
Sorry I just assume you mean bridal shower when you say wedding shower. I have only been to bridal ones so that is the image that comes to my mind.
I think it would be fine if only his family was invited as they were not at the first shower (obviously). I'm sure your immediate family would also want to be there.... just be careful about inviting people outside your immediate family who attended the first shower as they may not take to kindly to it.
I think your FH knew what he was getting into and your situation, so he shouldn't have a problem with not having a shower. Thats not the marriage is about anyway. If someone from his family wants to throw you a shower, tell them you'd rather have just a celebration party with no gifts specified. (Not a shower, just a party -- like a barbaque, etc.)
As far as the first gifts, I agree with earlier posters, they should have been returned without even question. You don't need permission to return gifts, you just send them. For gift cards, you just go get a gift card from teh stores and send it to the giver. That would have been the proper thing to do
My advice would be register one or two places, because FH's family is going to want to give you gifts, but do not put it on invitations obviously. For your family if anyone asks, say "I really don't want my family or friends to give me gifts since they did last year." Don't worry, they will give you a gift anyway.
Remember - when it doubt, choose the more gracious alternative. You don't want to attract any more whispers than was probably generated from your first engagement!
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I agree with NorthCarolinaBride. The idea behind the wedding is to get married potentially in the presence of your loved ones. It is not to get gifts. Having a shower is not a requirement of getting married!
With all these gift questions coming up on the boards it seems as if people are losing the meaning behind the wedding. I've noticed this a lot amongst people who I know as well and for this reason my fiancee and I are asking anyone who wants to give us a gift to give to charity in our name instead. We're both able to buy our own towels and toaster and I don't really care for china so I'd rather someone who needs it have it instead of us.
It is possible to have a shower without the traditional types of gifts. You could have a recipe shower, for instance. The traditional type of shower was to provide the bride with all the things she would need to "set up housekeeping," the idea being that prior to the shower she lived with her parents. So if you're going to be ultra-traditional, if you already have your own kitchen, you don't need a shower.
That said, the fact is that people generally want to do something to show their happiness for you. I'm 43, DH is 50, we both make really good money, and OF COURSE we can buy our own towels - and already own some very nice knives and spatulas. However, I had five different people offer to throw me a shower. I finally realized that it's actually fairly selfish to keep turning them down. They don't offer out of a sense of obligation - they offer because they think it would be fun to throw a party for you.
Same with the wedding registry/gifts... people don't ask what you want or need because they and thinking "Oh crap, I have to bring a present." I like to think that the friends and family that I have spent literally thousands of dollars on over the years - for baby showers, wedding showers, weddings, christenings, kids' birthdays - might like the chance to do a little something for me for a change. Some people chose to get us a nice bottle of wine, or something like that - but a lot of people got us towels and dishes and kitchen appliances. We cleaned and packed up all our older stuff and donated it to the local family violence shelter.
If you want to ask your guests to donate to charity, that's wonderful. But please don't judge those who feel it's okay to accept a gift as somehow mercenary. It's just a personal decision, and it's okay either way. Asking your guests to donate to the American Cancer Society in lieu of buying you a gift doesn't make better than a bride who registers for china - and who, for all you know, is volunteering at a local hospice in her spare time.
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Sorry I didn't mean to judge others for accepting gifts. It was moreso a comment about how many posts seem to resolve around where to register and what guests didn't send a gift and are not really about wedding planning as such.
My issue with it all is that the whole giving wedding gifts and having showers, etc began at a time when people got married at 16 and had absolutly no personal goods or money. To me in this day and age when we all have something of our own it seems more appropriate to focus on the experiences and time we spend with our family and friends. I love the idea of a recipe shower or something like that. I'm not anti-shower :) I just think that we should try and avoid whenever possible to appear greedy whether it is by choice (asking for a shower) or by chance (having someone throw one for you). Having 5 showers is fine, as long as the same people are not invited to more than one.
I think I was just caught off guard by the idea that a wedding shower is sort of an entitlement to getting married. It's all just a little bizarre to me... it seems like we're getting so far away from sharing in the actual union of two people.
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MsB - I agree, somewhat, that people tend to lose focus sometimes when it comes to the registry. But this is not the case here. I simply asked because I knew it would be coming up eventually and I wasn't sure how to handle it.
In hindsight, yes, ALL of the gifts should have been returned, no questions asked and that was a mistake on our part, but nothing can be done about it at this point. I don't have an extra $400 lying around to go replace all of the gift cards we received and send them back.
My FH and I are still young, I just turned 24 and he'll be 25 soon, so we don't ACTUALLY have ALL the things to furnish a home. For example, one of the guests from my 1st shower gave us a SINGLE set of the towels we registered for (not sure why they did that, but whatever...) so yes, I have a single set of towels to take with me when I move in with my FH. And all the REALLY important things went with my ex (vacuum cleaner, pans, dishes, etc.) I think I wound up with an ice cream scoop, the one set of towels, some knives and a slow cooker.
I have never been under the impression that we were entitled to a shower, and I would be just fine without one, but I know my family, and I know FH's, and I have a feeling someone will bring it up at some point.
Thanks again everyone. :)
I'm laughing a little MrsB - not at you, at me. I didn't actually have 5 showers. I just finally got it through my thick head, when there were 5 people total pestering me to throw one, that it was sort of obstinate to keep refusing. I also didn't want a bachelorette party, but ended up having several of those, as my friends seemed so disappointed at the prospect of not having their night on the town.
Believe it or not, your friends still have fun buying you wedding presents when you're in your 40s and technically have everything. And they don't buy you a $40 place setting of everyday dishes anymore. They buy you $300 stuff from Williams-Sonoma. Because they know you have dishes and silverware - and they know you make six figures and therefore can buy your own towels. But they also make six figures, and want to get you something nice.
I firmly believe that part of the art of being gracious and polite is also in knowing how to appropriately accept a gift. Sometimes the best policy is really to just smile and say "Thank you so much. That is so nice of you."
Wintersprincess - go ahead and register. And let his family throw you a shower. Anybody who disagrees with the concept can choose to stay home - or can donate to the American Humane Society in your name. I bet that plenty of your girlfriends will have loads of fun making you bouquets of spatulas and wooden spoons and whatnot. I would.
I think the fact that OP is having doubts about the whole shower thing and is uncertain what to do, kind of shows that its inappropriate. You have to go with your instinct, not your desire for matching towels and rubber spatulas. Personally, if I had cancelled a wedding 3 days before and accpeted gifts for same, I dont think i'd be having a lavish one the second time around and espcially not within one year. You have to accept the fact that there are consequences to your actions. If she really wants to get married, maybe it means you have to sacrafice the shower. Its not the end of a world. You'll get plenty of gifts whether you register or not. And again, for all the nice people that want to do something celebratory for you, just have them throw a barbeque, potluck, catered party, bachelorette night, recipe shower, etc. Not having shower gifts is a small sacrafice to make in the name of etiquette IMO
Umm.. Wedding showers are not the norm anyway and I think it is rather a new thing. Not having a wedding shower shouldn't be that much of a big deal to your fh because most men don't have them. That said -- I've already posted my opinion on multiple showers in an earlier post.
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Here's the back story:
I was engaged to be married last June. I called off the wedding 3 days before, so we had obviously had our wedding shower. We offered to return all the gifts that we could (most were gift cards that we had spent on our house). We didn't get much by way of physical gifts because most people chose to give us money or gift cards. One gift was a GIANT HUGE painting that we did NOT register for and didn't fit in at all with our decor that we ended up returning for cash (it was from his mother).
Basically, my point is that most everyone didn't want their gifts back, and told us to keep them. When I moved out, we divvied up the gifts by who's family/friend gave what.
Now that I am engaged to be married next July, I'm not sure if we should register again. I don't know what our living situation will be, and obviously if we live together for a long time before we are married, we won't need much (matching towels and linens would be nice though
) My mom has already said she won't be hosting another shower, which is understandable I guess. I sort of feel bad for my FH, because he won't get to experience the fun of registering and having a shower (unless someone in HIS family hosts one, which I doubt).
So, my question is, if we register again will that make me look greedy, since we ended up keeping the gifts from before? Or do you think enough time will have passed that people won't see it that way? I guess I'm just unsure of the etiquette. I don't want people to think I am EXPECTING gifts, but guests might be confused if we don't register...
HELP!!!