(Closed) Registry issues! We are so different, it’s getting ridiculous!

posted 7 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 3
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry you guys are having registry issues! I think what a lot of us women do is underestimate how much men will be interested in things like china patterns, picture frames, wine glasses, and so on. So when they surprise us by actually having firm opinions, it can be hard to give up our own ideas of what items we feel are best.

That being said, a compromise is NOT impossible! It sounds like you two put a lot of pressure on yourselves to get the registry process done, especially after such an exhausting event as graduating and moving out of your school apartments/dorms. I don’t know any couple who’s been able to do a FULL, huge registry like yours in just a few hours, with no problems whatsoever! More often than not, couples can take a few separate trips to their registry stores, over the span of several days, weeks, or even months. You guys are not alone, trust me.

It also sounds like you’ve only checked out one store. Macy’s is a great place to register, but there are plenty of other options out there too, even if they’re just online. I’m not sure what’s available to you, but I would definitely seek out Bed Bath and Beyond, Crate and Barrel, Pottery Barn, Williams Sonoma, Target, etc etc etc. It can be good to just go in, walk around, and get some ideas. (Or start checking stuff out on the Internet too. Amazon.com can be an amazing place to register from what I’ve heard!) You might end up rethinking what you’d both originally decided on once you see all the options out there.

As for the specific items, you’re going to have to do some research on big ticket or important stuff like electrics, cookware, bedding, and the like. Furthermore, try to talk about WHY he likes all nonstick and WHY you feel a KitchenAid is a necessary kitchen appliance. Tell him your reasons for what you want in a calm way, and he’s definitely going to do the same in return.

Finally, I would sit down with him and say, “When you imagine our home, what do you see? What does the kitchen look like? What does the living room look like? What colors do you like best? What sort of style is your favorite?” And really take the time to hear him out, especially if you want him to do the same for you. Even if everything he says makes you want to wrinkle your nose, resist the urge! It’s important to have this type of discussion if you ever want to find some common ground on the plates you’ll be eating off of and the sheets you’ll be sleeping on.

FI and I split the registry fairly evenly, based on the fact that he loves to cook and I burn everything in sight. So I let him pick out all the cookware, which was a combination of a few nonstick items and some stainless. FI says that nonstick 8 and 10 inch frying pans make the best eggs and pancakes, whereas stainless stock and sauce pots are better for soups, gravies, etc. We got a nonstick roaster and grill pan, and then a Le Creuset dutch oven, along with everything else in stainless by All-Clad. FI really took the time to think about what was best for our needs and what we like to eat.

Beyond that, he also picked out most of the kitchen gadgets and we agreed on the electrics together. Towels and bedding were a compromise that you really have to make, because you will always use these items equally. After everything else was said and done, I had most of the say on our everyday and formal china and stemware, but I made sure he had final approval on the everyday. That was the only thing we went around and around about, but after a few weeks it worked out. You just need to keep at it! You WILL find a compromise in there somewhere.

One final note on the square plate idea of his: Square plates can be cool looking, but they can be a pain to put in some dishwashers, and even harder to store if storage is limited. Could you guys get plain white ROUND dishes instead? And then maybe add in some square appetizer plates? ;D

Post # 4
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

OMG I hadn’t even considered that this might happen to us but I can see now that it could! LOL

If it’s any consolation we’ve had square plates and they’re really impractical – you can’t put them in the microwave… which was an issue for us when re-heating meals and stuff.

Post # 5
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I know my other comment was loooong, lol, but can I just add that my fiance is also obsessed with navy blue and green? (Lime green, actually. I don’t get it!) I knew about it long before we even got engaged though, and had to take that into account while negotiating what we both wanted, haha! You poor thing, you had no idea what was in store for you!

Can you guys get a light blue comforter and some white sheets, to balance out what you both want?

Post # 6
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

My FI and I had a couple of little spats while wandering around Target with the awesome registering gun, but ended up compromising well.  For example, we got one set of dark sheets and one set of light, each of which will match our light and dark, feminine and masculine at the same time, comforter. 

We also compromised on things like lamps, decorative things and the vacuum cleaner. 

But when it came time to register for anything kitchen-related, I pulled rank.  I do 95% of the cooking and refuse to back down on the type of pot, pan, bakeware, and appliances I need.  “You don’t need a food processor if we get the blender.”  “Yes, yes I do.”  He also only considered quality in regards to electric things, and was  a bit miffed when I swiftly deleted the inexpensive (read: cheap in more than one way) knives he registered for. 

We still have to tackle towels and anything related to the actual consumption of food, but I don’t think it will be too bad.

Post # 7
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Normally I’m pretty egalitarian.  But he needs to back off, LOL.  Or else he should expect to hear you voice your strong opinions when it’s time to shop for the lawn mower, the snow blower, the power tools, etc etc etc.  He sounds like a young guy who hasn’t figured out to pick his battles yet.

Post # 8
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

ROFL at the waffle maker!!  Would you believe my FI registered for one of those too?  What is it about waffle makers that makes men want them?  My FI also added an electric shaver and an “as seen on TV” clothes steamer to our registry.  🙂  I didn’t particularly want them, but I let him add them because I had been picking out a lot of our other items.

What you might want to do is decide who’s the “most qualified” to register for each category of items.  If you do most of the cooking like Twista, then you should pick out the cookware.  If he doesn’t even want fine China but you do, then he should be ambivalent to whatever China you pick.  Maybe you can let him pick out everything bedroom and bathroom-related so it matches, while you pick everything for the kitchen.

Make sure you both have good functional reasons for picking the things you pick, beyond aesthetic taste.  For example, your beaded flatware is more sturdy and less likely to bend, and his dark bed sheets will hide a stain better.

Post # 9
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

As far as bedding and towels go – register for both. You’ll likely want to cahnge things up at one point. For the rest of things, make a list of things you want to register for, and a list of what he wants. You pick one of yours, he picks one of his. Both you need to work on compromising here. I don’t eat frozen waffles, but I love Belgian waffles. Remember: both of you will be living with these things – he needs some stuff that he wants too.

Post # 10
Member
636 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I second the idea of registering for both towels and bedding.  You can never have too much.  As far as cookware – whoever does more of the cooking should get to pick.  Maybe for china, since you want formal china you get to pick that and you let him chose the everyday? It’s not like one day you can’t get another set of everyday china if you want to switch it up.   My husband didn’t care at all about the registry but he wanted a few things, like some fancy beach chairs and a three bin hamper (lol!) so I made sure to show him some things and let him pick.

Post # 11
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

i know this is hard, but i think its a nice thing that he wants to be involved. a lot of guys don’t. i’m very egalitarian and i see this all as a partnership. i also see the wedding planning process as a really important exercise for your relationship. it brings up a lot of stuff that is important to discuss and work out. (even the registry which may appear superficial can be about so much more….communication, getting to know each other’s home-making styles, how you work through disagreement, what does partnership mean to you, etc). this is probably the top 5 biggest decisions you’ll ever make in your life and you want to make sure that it’s right. i don’t mean the registry part, i mean the getting married part. i’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t be getting married (i don’t know you or your situation), but i do think that it sounds like you guys are heading into some very new and uncharted territory, and you also just graduated from school…i hate to play the ‘older’ card, but if you are in your early 20s, then just know that A LOT changes in this decade, and if you’re going to go through that with another person by your side, which can be a beautiful thing, just be prepared for some of this hard stuff and try to use it as an opportunity to dive deep and grow together in your relationship.

sorry to get all psycho-babble on you, when you just really asked about registry stuff, but honestly, it feels like more than that is going on. and if so, it’s better to address it now with open dialogue. it’s very easy to make it about the ‘things,’ it’s much harder to talk about what is really going on.

Post # 12
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m in the camp that whoever does the chore gets to pick. For us it boiled down to this: FH does the majority of the cooking so he got to pick the cookware but I’m the baker so I picked the baking pans. When we redid the bathroom he got to pick the wall color and I got to pick the accessories to go with it. If you’re doing the dusting you get to pick whats easier/what you want to dust etc. I’m also a fan of bartering ie: he gets to add the waffle maker if you get to add the fine china. Also keep in mind putting these things on the registry doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily going to get them. I say put both blue bedding and white bedding and let the people shopping for you decide if it saves you the argument.

Post # 13
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

We registered online mostly which was nice for when we disagreed because we could just walk away from it or take  more time. I would suggest trying that. I did go in store to confirm the quality of some stuff because seeing it in person is much different than online. Also before you even hit a store again think about the types of items you really want. We passed on a number of items (like a food processor, nice stemware, china) because we really didn’t need them. I don’t know if you are moving into a house or an apartment because that is something else to consider. Maybe when we buy a house and can actually entertain people (not possible in our apt) we will get fine china. Now it doesn’t make sense because not only would we more than likely have to purchase the remainder of whatever set we choose, but we would just be storing it for another 5 years.

As for his color scheme…I agree that you should register for both (can’t have enough sheets!). Or come to a compromise. You picked very polar schemes and perhaps it might make you both happier if you pick something in between.

Good luck.

Post # 14
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am with your FI on a lot of this. If you buy something cute / pretty you’ll be tired of it in a few years. Buy simple and classic and you’ll love it forever. White sheets will get spots and discolored quicker than colors. But, do buy something neutral – since you’re young you’ll probably move and need sheets that go in different situations. Maybe tan or lighter blue – light colors = larger looking room. Towels also will have to match whatever colors your bathroom is – go for neutrals. Do you really think you’ll need formal china? We are inheriting ours but I can’t imagine spending the money on something you’ll maybe use once a year. However, my aunt and uncle are big entertainers and use theirs all the time – think about this one.

Do buy: Le Crueset (neither non-stick nor stainless, which I have used for years and both have issues. Stick blender – fabulous for soups, sauces (and not an expensive item). Buy ceramic or pyrex for baking – not metal. Hand mixer, unless you are a serious baker and really will use the stand mixer.

Post # 15
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Here is my 2 cents!

FI and I are both super bull headed, so we essentially “duked it out” ahead of time, at home. We discussed over and over and over what were wanted, what styles, what colours etc so that the actual day we went out to register, we were on the same page, and it was SUPER fun. It was almost like a scavenger hunt for things we knew we wanted and just had to find.

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