Regret Being Married

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

TravellingBee2014:  I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you try marital counseling? Are you both open to it? I know you have been before, but maybe go and see a different therapist that can give you some better insight. I don’t agree with adjusting expectations, there should be some sort of compromise. Both people in a relarionship need to come to a happy medium. 

I hope things work out for your both.

Post # 4
Member
1905 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

He sounds extremely lazy. From what you’ve said, it sounds like he puts in little effort to make you happy. If he isn’t willing to meet you half way in trying to better the relationship, it will fail no matter how much effort you put forth.

Has he expressed or shown an initiative to want to make things better? Or has he already decided the relationship isnt going to work?

Post # 5
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m sorry, but he sounds very immature, like a child. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to expect him to pick up more than half of the cleaning and household chores since you are the full-time breadwinner. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect your partner to adjust his sexual approach to a method that actually turns you on instead of off.

It sounds like you communicated your desires, but you said that he is not willing to change. Are YOU willing to change into a person who doesn’t mind working more hours than your partner but doing more chores, paying for your husband to go on shopping sprees and to hang out with his friends just to avoid his tantrums, and allowing a man to grope at your body even though it’s not turning you on?

If not, then you will continue to live in strife with your husband. If the person I described above is not someone you ever want to become (and I wouldn’t blame you), then I think it’s time to end the marriage, or at least split up and give your husband a chance to really reevaluate his disinclination to change.

Post # 6
Member
892 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Your husband sounds like a jackass.  He:

– expects you to work and earn money for both of you, and expects you to give him cash so he can live his life as he sees fit, but

– doesn’t help out at alla round the house, and wants to spend time away from you

– wants you to turn your back on your family?  wtf.

– thinks it’s your “wifely duty” to hace sex with him?  For someone with that old-fashioned opinion, he sure doesnt seem like he gives a shit about being a provider, and instead sounds like a cheapskate expecting to ride life’s wave on YOUR hard work.

Ugh.  No.  If someone tried to make me turn my back on family, told me I have a “duty” to please him sexually in a relationship AND EXPECTED ME TO HAND HIM MY HARD EARNED CASH SO HE COULD PARTY IT UP, I’m tell him to get the hell out and good riddance.

Post # 7
Member
3335 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

TravellingBee2014:  Thank you for sharing your story. I think there are all too many bees on here that are, unfortunatly, heading in the same direction, ignoring real problems because they are blinded by the idea of being a bride. I hope that your story hits home for them. I think people can get so caught up in wedding planning and the idea of marriage, that they forget that they actually have to have a real marriage once the wedding bells stop ringing. You are also proof that being together a long time before marriage does not always equal a happier marriage. You have obviously had to find these things out the hard way and I’m truely sorry for that. 

So what do you do now? I’m also of the opinion that you shouldn’t throw in the towel just yet. The hardest part is that you guys need to both be on board to change. It sounds like that may not be the case. Happiness is the ratio of your reality over your expectations, so if you want to be happier, you can either better your situation or lower your expectations or perhaps a bit of both. The bottom line is that both of you need to be willing to make this work and change, you can’t expect it to just get better on it’s own with time. If I were you, I wouldn’t even wait 2 years. I would give it until your 1 year anniversary and if neither of you have been willing to try to make it work by then, then cut your losses and get out. There is no sense staying in a relationship where neither of you is willing to make a change. 

Post # 8
Member
5687 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

OP already said that she and her husband are going to see if they can learn to make things work in the next 10 months, before their anniversary. rattling off a list of why her husband is not awesome is not really useful at this point: I’m pretty sure she already knows thesw things and is trying to see if, for the sake of her marriage, she can accept the things that she can’t change.  So maybe instead of beating the dead horse, people can comment instead with some practical advice or wodds of support.

OP– it may be worth reconsidering your opinion of counseling. You do know what you each need to do, but having a counselor involved brings a different sense of accountability. This is often helpful in buildimg lifelong habits. It will be hard work to make your marriage work, and in 10 months time you might be more interested in walking away, but those coping skills will take regular practice to really master. Knowing that you’ve got to see your therapist next week or whenever, can sometimes be the boost you (cor your husband) need to hold your temper or work a little harder when you really don’t want to. 

Post # 9
Member
2738 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You seem very mature. Your post was very well written.  I know that wasn’t your goal haha. But I related to a lot of what you said. Some of your story sounded a lot like some of things that my husband and I are dealing with. It was nice to actually read the words. It really hit home. So thank you for sharing. If I have any advice to give it would be to read the book The 5 Love Languages. I learned a lot about love & relationships & meeting the needs of your significant other as well as having your own needs met. I also learned about love being a choice & not a feeling & also about the spark. The spark between 2 people doesn’t always just live on. It’s something that you have to work at & make happen. I wish you both the best of luck. You seem to know how to communicate your feelings to each other effectively & come to ration conclusions & solutions. . .which is a huge step above me & my husband.  Again, thank you for sharing. I learned about my own relationship from you sharing yours.

Post # 10
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

His expectations are ridiculous… I agree that perhaps getting married was not a great idea. You seeked counseling prior to getting married, which in my opinion should have been quitting time. If you see no point in going to counseling again, there is nothing that can be done except for him to grow up and behave like an adult. He does not sound like he has the will to work hard to improve your relationship, as he has not thus far. I hope something clicks and you both stay together, but if you are right back to the same issues that led you to post this by your 1st or 2nd anniversary, please walk away before you spend a decade going in circles. 

Post # 13
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This is certianly a hot mess, I myself fell victim to getting so caught up in the wedding that I wasn’t always thinking about the relationship itself and making sure we were prepared. It is funny how much actually changes after you say I do.

It is heartbreaking to think that a newlywed couple is considering divorce, this should be a happy time rather than a time of conflict. My best advice would be to keep yourself and him accountable for your progress by constantly evaluating your relationship. If someone is slacking in their efforts it is best to be reminded here and there to get back on track.

P.S. I also just realized that we got married in the same month! I really feel for you and wish you the best.

Post # 14
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Okay, I have some comments in your husband’s defense.

1. My husband and I have combined finances because I earn significantly less than he does.  We have the same amount of spending money each week because that is what we consider to be fair.

I would like to humbly suggest that if the tables were turned and a bee were posting that she can only find part-time work and has no spending money because all of her paychecks have to go to her half of the bills while her husband had extra cash to spend all the time and it was affecting their relationship, the other bees would say that the husband should help the wife out.

At the very bare minimum, at least consider having a joint account where you submit a certain percent of your paychecks for the “joint” expenses like rent and groceries and etc and allow him to keep some of his paycheck, even if it isn’t as much as you have left over.

2. If you work 6 long days a week and come home and he “doesn’t want to hear you vent” – have you considered that it is possible that perhaps you vent so much that it comes off as complaining, and contributes to a negative atmosphere in your home for the few hours of quality time you have with him outside of work?

3. Regarding intimacy, does he understand the extent to which your condition affects your libido?  Have you discussed this issue with your doctor and is it possible to lower dosages of medication or try different things or whatever to improve that situation?

I’m very sorry you will not consider counseling as an option because you didn’t like the answers you got last time.  Not all counselors are the same.  Consider it before you throw in the towel.

Post # 15
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

TravellingBee2014:  First of all, I’m just sorry you’re going through all this when it should be such a happy time.

Is there a reason why you feel like you need to make it to your 2nd anniversary? Is that just the time y’all agreed to put into working on the relationship? It seems like with keeping the finances separate, agreeing to prevent any pregnancy, that y’all have already conceeded that divorce is inevitable. 

Is there a reason why he only works part time? Does he refuse to work full time or can he not find full time work but is looking? Maybe he feels worthless and is depressed and being lazy and wanting to go out with his friends more are a result of that. Had yall discussed career paths and goals prior to getting married? Maybe create a family budget and goals. You don’t have to combine your accounts but draw up something that shows where money is coming in and where it goes out. Come up with a monthly or weekly budget of what can be spent on fun and entertainment, both together or on your own.

Not being the breadwinner can be a real hit to a man’s ego. I’d imagine him wanting you to be the one who cleans is his weird way to feel like he’s still the head of household. I suggest that because of his “wifely duties” comments about sex. What if you were able to rest and wind down a little after work and then the TWO of you work for 15-20 minutes to do dishes or pick up misc items and do light cleaning. That way its not one of you making the other do it. How did he grow up? Was his mom the one who did all the cleaning? 

And on the sex thing, some people have different styles. More aggressive might just be his. Again, I’d attribute that to some clear desire to be the man and leader of the relationship. This might sound weird, but you can be the agressor and still have it be sensual. Smile and talk calmly and tell him you want to go slower. Get on top so you have a little more control. Tie him up so he can’t grope at you but its still something that would excite him. You might have a low libedo, but you can make the decision to want to make love to your husband and get it going in a way that works for you. Obviously with the other problems going on you aren’t going to want to have sex non-stop, but intimacy is important in a relationship.

And don’t worry about people telling you that “adjusting your expectations” is terrible. It’s the same thing as a compromise. Maybe its better that the issues are comming out so soon after the wedding. That is still so early you are more willing to work for it. Rather than slowly building for 2 years and then having everything blow up and end abruptly because y’all figured it’s been too happening too long to change/fix things.

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