Regret over the Push?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@southernbelle381:  I’ll admit I kinda pushed my husband to propose. I tried breaking up with him a few months before he finally did.  However in my situation, he was in limbo.  An adult but his parents supported him financially and never made him have any responsibility.  I lived on my own, so therefore he had a place to escape. 

Pretty much we’d been together for almost 5 years and I can bet that if i hadn’t done it, we’d be still dating and be at almost 7 years. 

I’ll admit, I was kinda sad I knew that he was going to propose. I loved going with him to pick out my ring though! But I kinda “faked” my surprised face. But I’m happy with how everything went though.

Post # 4
1193 posts
Bumble bee

@southernbelle381:  We had a lot of “discussions” and he gave me a timeline. Once I had the timeline (end of 2013), I felt a lot better and didn’t bring it up again.

Until December 2013 rolled around. Retrospectively, I should have trusted him more, but I literally didn’t even want to make plans for New Years eve because I was worried I would be upset that he hadn’t proposed yet. We had a candid conversation where he told me he needed “more time” and that it would be soon but maybe 2014. It was all a ruse and he proposed Dec 14. I was so unbelievably surprised (esp with the “more time” thing), and I’m glad I did NOT push because I would have ruined it.

Post # 5
8678 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m on the other end of the spectrum — Engagement never came up. Not once. We started a relationship, I moved in, it was never discussed. There was always background chatter of, “We’ll get married someday/have kids/live happily ever after” sort but never anything serious.

I don’t regret it. Then again, I wouldn’t regret if we never got married. So I’m sorta neutral ground here.

Post # 6
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I kinda pushed FI early on…when we first started talking about marriage I was really impatient. But we weren’t together very long at all and we were flat broke at the time and looking back I feel ridiculous. One day we fought about it and FI made it clear that I was pushing too fast and too hard and I just stopped talking about it. When he finally proposed it was a COMPLETE shock to me because I thought he still wanted to wait!

Post # 7
15 posts

I guess that makes me a pusher, but my guy is super indecisive. He’s even said that it helps take the pressure off him that I take charge in planning our future. Who knows, I might even end up proposing to him, but that’s just us. Even if he’s ready for marriage, not every guy is prepared for a proposal. It’s probably like the biggest job interview/pay raise negotiation of his life. They get nervous too, and they’re not as creative as we bees. Besides, I’d probably rather have my proposal rejected as a clear “no” than get dragged through the mud on a “someday.” 

Post # 8
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Nope, not really. I think it’s important to communicate your feelings and life goals in a relationship and this is just one aspect of that. If anything I regret dancing around the subject for so long before I decided to just be honest.

Post # 9
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I feel like I’m starting to fall more into the camp of pushing, even though I’d obviously rather not be in this position. I would wait for as long as he needed me to wait and I know we want the same things in life, but he has suddenly changed his mind over when he wants to get engaged. We’re completely and wholly committed to our life together as a unit, but he now thinks because we’re so committed that engagement and marriage don’t have to come right this monent. I’m not happy with this development, so I’ll probably end up pushing him to do it earlier. I wish I didn’t have to though and wish he was just so excited to marry me that he wanted to do it immediately. :/ 


Post # 10
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@southernbelle381:  Im not engaged yet but what the hey I’ll chime in 🙂

I waited months for SO to get himself together and put a deposit down on the ring. Even though he had the savings for a long time. One day I lost it and pushed him to put down the deposit. When the ring came in he picked it up literally minutes after getting the call. He is incredibly excited, won’t shut up about marriage now, and I’m 100% confident it’s happening when I see him next (LDR). He also thanks me for pushing him. He says that yes I pushed but that he is grateful cos he wants to marry me but is lazy with making decisions (so true). He says it’s the push he needed and judging from how excited he is now I believe him. And I do not at all regret pushing. I know pretty much the exact day it will happen(not how though) and I don’t regret a thing. Disclaimer; this isn’t the right approach for everyone, obviously. 😛

Post # 11
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Personally I would hate to know the exact 2 month span that an engagement is supposed to happen in…it takes the element of surprise away. It’s one thing to “communicate your life goals” and another to press for a deadline so the guy feels rushed about it. But what’s done is done. At this point, you could just tell your SO that you’ll be happy to wait until whenever he wants to propose, no deadline necessary, and then just don’t bring it up again.

Post # 12
592 posts
Busy bee

Not engaged either. But to be honest, if I didn’t bring up marriage to my SO, one of two things would happen. A) We’d be together for a decade plus unmarried, he’d finally want kids and we’d elope so he felt he ‘did it right’ by being married first. Or B)I’d invest two or three years into the relationship, hope he propose but when he didn’t by anniversary three I’d leave him. 

Neither options are really the life I would choose to make of my own accord. I’ve been engaged once before though, when everything was fairy takes and butterflies and boy chases girl and it blew to smithereens. After a failed engagement, I became a lot more practical about marriage and romance, including getting engaged. So far, I don’t regret talking with SO on multiple occasions. If anything, falling in blindly the first engagement is what I regret. 

I do hate the term waiting though. Having to admit being in such a state feels like an insult to everything I wanted for myself and my inner feminist. 

Post # 13
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Hyperventilate:  +1. Same same. Agree with the “background chatter” thing as well – nothing serious/made official.

Post # 14
3271 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

hmm I guess I do a little. We ended up having a two year engagement but tbh, I don’t even remember the first year of being engaged. I was so busy in my senior year of university that it didn’t matter much. I probably should have just shut it up so we only had a year long engagement and we were able to plan the wedding straightaway. But, I will say that on our wedding day, I had that wonderful feeling of being right where I was supposed to be, and my husband did as well. It’s like everything just clicked into place.

Post # 15
8850 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@ashleykaye:  He also thanks me for pushing him. He says that yes I pushed but that he is grateful cos he wants to marry me but is lazy with making decisions (so true). He says it’s the push he needed and judging from how excited he is now I believe him.

+1. My husband readily admits that he needed a little nudge and is so glad in retrospect that I gave him one (gently and lovingly). Sometimes guys just get in a comfort zone and like the status quo. However, I would say that it really depends on how long you’ve been together. If its been 2-3 years or less, I dont think that pushing for a proposal is the right move.

Also, don’t let some PP’s comments give you doubts. When you get engaged after literally only 6 months, as I know one of them did, of course you didn’t need to bring up or push for marriage! Sheesh. Not a helpful perspective in this instance.

Post # 16
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I can’t say I pushed him, we had a plan from early on when things would occur, but I do wonder what it would have been like if it had been a complete surprise. 

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