Post # 1
When I got engaged in February I was SOO excited to chose a bridal party! My fiance and I have been together 8 years (since freshman year of high school!) so we had an idea who we wanted to ask.
We asked our friend, A, to be our personal attendant – and I’m regretting it. Everyone is so, so excited about our destination-wedding, she isn’t. She accepted the duty, and offered to help get things ready for the engagement party – she asked to do the favors so I dropped off the cookie dough, etc. at her house. Well. She ate them. All. no effin’ joke. Plus, she is suddenly “unavailable” to come to the engagement party. Her reasoning? She is going to the mall with her friend. This friend lives with her.
I just feel as if she doesn’t understand the importance of this event to us. I’ve talked to her, and still nothing is helping. I feel rude “unasking her” but I have a close best friend who recently moved back to my area that I am dying to ask. She is so sweet – she heard about our personal attendant, and re-made our favors without us knowing/asking!
I don’t want to sound shallow or vain, because I am not…nor a bridezilla, but how can I unask her? it’s purely a nightmare!
Post # 3
I would say exactly what you said here.. she seems preoccupied .. use “I feel” language – dont tell her about the replacement but tell her that you would love her coming as a guest so she isnt overwhelmed by all of the extra duties..
Post # 4
I’m sorry but what is a personal attendant? It doesn’t sounds very much like an honorable title to be asked of and given at all.
Post # 5
1. I don’t think that wanting things to be done right makes you a bridezilla. I, too, am doing everything to avoid that title, but I just like things to be done properly. If that makes me a horrible bride, then I’m pretty much like that even when I”m not getting married.
2. You’ve alreadyy attempted to talk to her, so I don’t think un-asking her would be rude. Hell, from what it sounds like, if you didn’t ask her to do you any more favors, she wouldn’t notice because she’s too busy. Ask your other close best friend!
Post # 6
@imforhim04: I’d have a heart to heart talk with her first. Maybe there’s something else going on in her life and she doesn’t feel she can talk with you about it since you have a big event coming up. There’s no great way to ask someone to step down without it being insulting and hurtful, so be prepared… if you wanted to stop the friendship anyway, then go ahead and ask. But otherwise I’d think twice and see if you can work things out. You have 2 whole years to get this settled anyway! I’d spend some time with her to see if you can rekindle the friendship.
Post # 7
Thanks all; @honeydrop, I truly don’t know too much about it, but I was a P.A for the friend I want to ask! The duties are helping with little miscellaneous tidbits along the way, etc.
I appreciate everyone’s advice – I’ve tried to talk to her, her head seems like it’s in a cloud. Nothing going on out of the ordinary…she just simply was like, “I don’t see how I have to make your party…it’s just an engagement party.” Ugh facepalm! (Is it “just” our wedding too?).
Post # 8
I agree with the personal talk- no text email. Ask her, nicely, what she thinks the duties of a personal attendant is. Might surprise you and could be totally different from your idea. And personally I don’t know if I would care that much being a “personal attendant.” I’ve never even heard of this except maybe in reference to a wedding planner. Maybe she is p.o. that you want her to do all this stuff for her and you can’t even make her a bridesmaid. IMO a personal attendant sounds more like the day of the wedding job running around for you so you can relax on your wedding day, she could be thinking the same thing.
Post # 9
I feel for you!
I too got engaged in February and have asked my best friend to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, as she was so excited and wanted it so bad. I too couldn’t think of anyone better, so i asked her.
She has turned up to all but 1 of our wedding appointment/shopping days hungover and looks completely uninterested. I have had two talks with her. I understand if she doesn’t feel up to it, no hard feelings. but she keeps insisting on doing it.
In your case, I would just simply let her know that you have decided to do things yourself, and that you feel she may have too much on to help with your wedding. Surely if she isn’t showing any interest in your wedding she won’t be too offended.
I wish I could ask my friend to step down but she insists on helping – to be honest I have pretty much planned everything myself and haven’t needed her help. She is all there when it’s about her dress, her shoes, her hair etc.
it’s such a difficult situation to be in – I hope it all works out for you 🙂
Post # 10
@imforhim04: I’m not trying to be a downer, but you’ll see similar sentiments on this site a lot, and it probably won’t be the last time you hear people saying it’s “just” an engagement party, “just” a shower, and “just” your wedding. A lot of us on here feel that others don’t care as much about our weddings as we’d like them to, but that’s just it… nobody cares about the wedding as much as the bride does.
If you care about keeping this friendship, I’d just let it roll off your back and move forward with your planning. It seems kind of silly to cut a friendship just because she’s not super into your pre-wedding activities 2 years ahead of the actual wedding, but that’s just my opinion. It’s up to you how you feel is the most mature, appropriate way to deal with it.
Post # 11
@LouiseW – I know! I cannot imagine your situation though..the MOH! Wow. Mine is just a Personal Attendant. It’s still equally frustrating! I’ve planned everything myself so far, only because I’m a die-hard wedding guru (seriously), but my Maid/Matron of Honor loves helping me…we have so much fun. But the P.A has to go, haha.
Post # 12
I’m guessing she wants to be un-asked. She can’t imagine that kind of behavior is acceptable. She’s going to the mall instead of your engagement party? And you’re worried YOU”RE going to seem rude?
Who plans ahead for a trip to the mall? It’s… the mall. I think she’s deliberately blowing you off to get you to un-ask her. Take her up on it.
Take the high road and don’t be unkind, just say it isn’t working out and it’s turning out to be too much responsibility, and you look forward to seeing her as a guest at your wedding.
Post # 13
Personal Attendants are huge in some areas. I’d never heard of them before spending time on the bee and the knot and honestly, they sound like kind of a cop-out ‘honor’. Personal attendants seem like unpaid day of coordinators, so if she accepted maybe she just didn’t want to be rude but isn’t really into it. Or maybe she just didn’t know what it was, and once she found out she was hurt.
Think about it from her point of view. You’re having a Destination Wedding. She wasn’t special enough to be in the bridal party, but is special enough to help you with little projects and organize things for your day of, and in order to do that she must pay to get to the Destination Wedding and stay there for a few days. Not the most fun of wedding ‘roles’.
Post # 14
In my area a personal attendant really only helps the day of the wedding. Helps the bride get ready, does a lot of the running. so maybe she really doesn’t know what you are expecting of her. I would never think a PA would be responsible for doing the favors (nobody, but the bride and groom are truely responsible for this.) Talk to her and see how she is feeing and decide from there. Keep in mind asking her to step down will have a huge negative impact on your friendship.
Post # 15
@imforhim04: Honestly, I can’t blame her for not blaiming her for not being excited to be an unpaid labourer. B-list wedding jobs aren’t really that exciting. I get that you wanted to include her, but to do unpaid labour is not really an “honour” in my book. Personal assistant to me is a day of job. Not something that leads up to the wedding.
BUT, she also should have declined if she didn’t think she could fufill the job.
Post # 16
What the heck is a personal attendant? Personally, I would not ask anyone to help me with wedding tasks unless they are in my wedding. Either way, she clearly doesn’t want to do it. Just stop inviting her places. She’ll either step up and ask about wedding tasks or she will prove you right and not.