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Edited: I don't want too much info "out there" so I edited my OP. The basic jist was....
My FBIL drives drunk and doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. He always thinks he's fine but when you drive drunk on a night that you can't remember the next day, you're not "fine".
I'm asking for advice on how to deal with this...
I'm sorry that I don't have advice. What I do have is a good friend who was killed by a drunk driver. Please do anything in your power to stop him from drinking and driving. :'(
p.s. What do your husband and the brother's wife say about it?
Hmmm, tough one. I think, next time he leaves your house or wherever, I would call the cops anonymously. You say him getting caught would be "detrimental" to his family, so think about how detrimental it would be if he, god forbid, went to jail for vehicular manslaughter or turned his wife into a widow. These things happen all the time, to people who think they are "fine". Just something to think about. Good luck!
@mightywombat: I'm so sorry about your friend. This is exactly what I'm worried about. I love my FBIL and I don't want anything to happen to him or anyone else.
It really wasn't until today that I realized this was a serious problem. I can't even imagine being so far gone that I'm not even really present in a conversation yet I get behind the wheel. Really scary stuff!
I think that he needs help asap. Way too many people die from drunk driving every year. I think almost everyone knows someone or of someone who was killed by drunk driving. MADD?
Could you do a intervention? Or atleast try to help him understand what could happen when he drinks and drives MADD has a TON of info on there site that may help you.
I have a family members that are heavy drinkers and used to be stupid enough to drive. Getting caught was the best thing that ever happened to them, and luckily, they didn't hurt anyone other than themselves. Both smartened up after jail, fines, losing their license, smashing cars, etc.
This might sound harsh, but next time he comes over in a questionable state of mind, I would confront him about drinking and driving, and I would not let him proceed to drive himself home. And if he tried (and this is just me/my personality) I would call the cops and let them know there is a drunk driver out there. Better he be the one in trouble and hurting financially than having him hurt or kill someone completely innocent.
I completely agree with you girls.
Their parents know that he drinks but I don't think they know anything about the driving. I wonder if we should start there. Maybe a good dose of their hardass stepd-ad will make him stop.
Honestly? I have ZERO tolerance for drunk driving (I have a hard time holding my tongue when Bees post about driving drunk from their receptions to the hotel/airport), so if I got wind that he was driving drunk, I would report his ass. You can do it anonymously -- just phone 911 or the direct line for your police switchboard.
He NEEDS to be caught before he'll stop -- that much is obviously true in his case. And in the meantime, if you DON'T report him, he could kill/injure someone.
@Regularinhiding: If you do decide to start with the parents, let them know NOW - don't wait for another incident to occur. Otherwise, I agree with other posters...if he is at your house after "a few", don't let him drive home; if he does, anonymously report him.
Thanks for all the advice ladies. I'm going to take the OP down now so I don't forget to before the hours out. Feel free to keep commenting since I'm sure you can get the jist from the PP's.
@JeniRae: I'd report him, too.
I know you want to protect family... but think what he could do to someone else's. I heard once of a drunk driver who drove into a house and killed a sleeping infant. If you prevented something like this, it'd be worth feeling like you may have betrayed your family..
@Regularinhiding I know that it's really hard but I would call the police if he ever left your presence or house after drinking again.
I let my sister leave my house drunk once without really thinking too much about it.. I was still pretty young, and well they got clocked going 100+ mph down the road. From then on I just knew that it was more worth her getting in trouble than getting dead.
You can get past the jail time, attorney fees, court dates, and required classes.... but it's just not the simple to get over killing or hurting somebody else or yourself.
I second calling the cops. A few months ago a girl I used to work with was killed by a drunk driver- it's totally changed my perspective.
i would visit my local police station and ask them if something could be done - ive seen on one of the local cop tv show the police were waiting outside a pub for a guy whose family reported him and yes, he was drunk driving.
your FBIL has no right to put others lives at risk, does he have to kill someone to learn that what he is doing is wrong? goodluck, i applaude you wanting to make a difference
Can you just tell him that you will call the cops if you see him do it? Do you think he would be violent towards you? Even if you don't "warn" him, he might figure out it is you, anyway.
We had an issue similar to this a couple months ago. FI misunderstood something a friend said at one of our parties, the friend left, and FI wanted to follow him. He was so drunk he didn't think he was drunk (don't you hate that?). I had to tell him straight out that if he did not hand me his keys, he was choosing between me and alcohol. Maybe a little drastic, but I just do not think there is a single excuse out there. He could have potentially killed himself - or someone else. I told him if he left the house, he'd have police on his tail before he could start his car, and I had my phone in my hand. Wisely, he turned over his keys (well, he threw them on the floor. but still. winning.)
People are going to do what they want to do. You can hope and pray that they will make the smarter decision, but if he does not, please dial the police. Better safe than sorry. :/
Let me just put it out there that I was one of those people who used to think that driving "Buzzed" was okay.
I got caught in 2007 and it destroyed my life for the next year. My finances, my personal life, my morale and even tampered with my professional life. Not to mention that I will forever have a "Continuance without a finding" on my legal record.
I will NEVER EVER drive after taking a drink again. I am so grateful every day that I didn't hurt anyone, damage anyone's property, or hurt myself.
If he has that big of a problem and won't listen to anyone, you need to get the authorities involved. He needs to A) be stopped before he hurts someone, and B) hit rock bottom so he realizes that this is a big deal.
I have an immediate family member who got caught passed out in his car in the parking lot (they only got him for public intox, but it was obvious he had driven to that parking lot before passing out). Honestly, it really was the best thing that could have happened to him (besides him not drinking in the first place). It hurt a ton because he didn't know how far over the edge he had gone (and we didn't know he was drinking at all), but it definitely has worked out for the best.
Your FBIL definitely needs a wake up call. It's going to take guts to be the one to make the call, but you know it's the right thing to do and the bees will be here to support you :(.
My mother was killed by a drunk driver. It's coming up on a year ago this month. Please please please don't let your FBIL ruin your family or someone elses because he's too hardheaded to care about others. I second calling the cops. You never know if that could be the time that he kills someone. I didn't get to read the OP but I'm sure you'll do the right thing. Honestly, the drunk driving laws really aren't that harsh so I wouldn't be worried about it hurting your family but it could be the wake up call he needs. Good luck!
If you know he is going to drive drunk, call the police, call the police, call the police. There are people who's lives you may save by him being held accountable.
I agree with the intervention idea--it's something pro-active that you can plan on doing. Here's a poem we give to our students at the beginning of the year... definitely makes you think:
Poem - Went to a Party, Mom - Girl Killed by Drunk Driver
Anonymous
I went to a party,
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
so I had a sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
that I didn't drink and drive,
though some friends said I should.
I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right.
The party finally ended,
and the kids drove out of sight.
I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece.
I never knew what was coming, Mom,
something I expected least.
Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
the kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.
My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
this girl is going to die.
I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high.
Because he chose to drink and drive,
now I would have to die.
So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
like a hundred stabbing knives.
Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven,
put ' Mommy's Girl' on my grave.
Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter,
Mom I'm getting really scared
These are my final moments,
and I'm so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, 'I love you, Mom!'
So I love you and good-bye.
this is a very tough one. Maybe you can tell him that he could kill someone. my sister also does this all the time. She finally got busted a few weeks ago. She got a hit and run, DUI and open container. She does not remember anything about it! she hit a lexus and drove off. She is a very bad drunk.....
I hope this opens her eyes....I am just glad she did not kill anyone.
@burris4: great idea! I have called the police on drunk drivers before. Doing this could save lives.
Take his keys
Drive him home
Call the cops
Do whatever it takes. He is being selfish, dangerous, and a potential murderer.
I have not personally lost anyone to drunk driving, but our club had a scholarship that we gave out every year to a deserving student in honor of a former club member killed by a drunk driver while she was being her friends DD. Her friends and family came cross-country every spring to give out the scholarship and the pain and tears as they talked about their daughter ~10 years later left no dry eye in the room.
@phoenix718: Good for you for LETTING it change your life. That is not an easy thing to do. Too many people don't want to admit (even to themselves) that they did anything wrong or had any kind of problem. It takes real courage to do that.
His family can have a car breathalyzer installed in his car. You have to blow into a breathalyzer to start the engine and if hes over the limit the car wont start.
He won't stop until something drastic happens. It is so sad that for some people, that has to be an accident or killing someone innocent. No one can make him stop if he does not want to. I also think you should call the police. Get them involved. You never know what could happen if he drives drunk and who he could hurt.
Maybe you could ask the police for advice or if he leaves drunk call them and tell them where he is. It is sneaky, but I don't see any other option.
This affects you directly. Some states will go after you too, if you provide the alcohol. That's why a friend of mine in OR working for the prosecutor's office requested all keys at the start of a party he hosted and gave them back only after ensuring folks were sober (most got cabs).
In addition to calling the cops you can:
- Always take his keys before serving him alcohol
- Buy a breathanalyzer and show him the results
- Alert others (e.g. family) to the family
- Go to an AA Family/Friends meeting
- Figure out a way to introduce him to someone who's had their life changed by alcohol
My brother didn't quit drinking and driving until he wrecked his car, suffered a TBI, spent days in a coma, and almost died. He's been sober for nine years now. Obviously that's an extreme solution so I suggest calling the cops on him when you know he's on the road. Maybe fines, court dates, and time spent in jail will open his eyes. And if he's a serious alcoholic then I don't think he'll get better until he realizes he needs to get better.
my Stepfather used to regularly have a few drinks after work on a friday night and drive home.
For a short while, if he wasn't home by a certain time on a friday night, either I or my Mum would go and pick the car up from outside of his favourite drinking spot. Sometimes we'd tell him he needed to get a taxi home - other times, we'd just let him keep looking for the car. 
When he started drink driving at other times too, my Mum and I both told him we'd be calling the cops if we thought he'd drive home drunk. Fortunately, we've never had to, and he's never done it since (though the offer still stands)
As I work close to where he does, and cycle to work, if he's invited out to the pub, he'll call me and I'll pick the car up, and for the times when work isn't involved he's learned to work the local bus timetable. :)
Thank you for all the feedback. You've confirmed what I already thought. I tried talking to FI about it last night and while he completely agrees with my concerns (they're his concerns too), he's too afraid to confront his brother. He told me that if I have a problem with what he's doing then I should say something to him. I wonder if he'll be signing the same tune after his brother more than likely never talks to me again. He also happens to be the best man in our wedding so yea, that's great.
@Regularinhiding: Wait, so your FI is afraid to confront HIS brother about this, so the burden of this is placed upon you? I'm so sorry you are in this situation. That really sucks.
The thing is in this situation confronting=caring, regardless of how tough it may be. You sound incredibly caring, so kudos to you. Just a shame that his own blood won't step up and intervene...You may not be the family favorite for a while, but doing the right thing in this case could literally be the difference between life and death.
My uncle was killed by a good friend who was driving him drunk. You should call the police and not use your name. Something has to be done. It doesn't matter if he's the best man at your wedding and never talks to you again. His life and the lives of all the people he's putting in danger are more important.
If there's one thing I've learned being raised in a family where both my mother and biological father were addicts, it's that you can't confront an addict (regardless of their drug of choice) and you can't make them see the light.
Thankfully my mom is clean now for over 9 years - and my biological father isn't present in my every day life. I have my DAD who has blessed me since I was about 18 months old. A couple of years ago, before me and FI got together, I dated a no-good, lieing, scheming, stealing drug addict -- he was addicted to pills and alcohol. I stayed in a HORRIBLE both mentally, physically and emotionally abusive relationship for almost a year trying to SAVE him, or FIX him or make him see the errors in his ways. Finally, one day I just woke up and I had had ENOUGH, I couldn't put myself through that or my family through that anymore and I left. I gave him no explanation other than you need to get help. I tried talking with his family, his mom, his brother, his sister, his so-called friends. They never cared that he drove messed up all the time, with a loaded pistol in his seat. They never cared that he stole their belongings and you had to keep everything locked up if he was there. They never cared, so I stopped caring. He continued to call for months after we broke up. A couple of times from 'rehab' because he wanted to get better from me. A couple of times from random places wanting me back and blah blah. I finally stopped hearing from him and heard that he had went to jail for Home Invasion and a couple of other things. He's now homeless. His family has finally turned their back on him, and he's in and out of jail on a weekly basis. He really was a good person, but the drugs took over him.
I know this was kind of off topic, but I guess what I'm trying to say is you probably can't change your FBIL. He has to make that decision on his own, but it doesn't mean that you can't take the measures to push him towards making that choice on his own. Stop letting him in your house if he smells like alcohol. Stop inviting him to functions. CALL THE COPS ON HIM. It could save his life, or someone elses. My ex's family used to always say the same thing, we don't want to ruin his life, we don't want to ruin his future -- well, his life is already ruining it -- you calling the cops could save his life, and someone elses.
Good for you for taking a stand. As a "newbee" myself, I don't want to say anything out of place or offensive -- but sometimes on RARE (and I do mean RARE) ocassions -- our weddings aren't the "most" important thing to worry about.
Best of Luck and thanks for listening!!
tell others in the family to help back you up. I'd suggest before he leaves, try to take his keys, and warn him that you will call the police if he does not listen to you. try to get other family members to back you up and hopefully they will make the same threat to him.
it's better to help him avoid driving drunk altogether and getting a DUI. it could really mess up his life.
but if he ignores your warnings, then that DUI will hopefully teach him a lesson so he won't do it again. if he ignores you, he deserves that black mark on his record because he could kill someone.
These situations aren't tough to me. Right is right and wrong is wrong - whether it's family or not. Drunk driving is wrong. It's life and death. Do the right thing or else, you're aiding him.
@mightywombat: And there's the answer right there.
He could kill someone... or you... or himself. Please get counseling, I think it would be helpful. Good luck.
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