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I never thought I would post anonymously but I need advice on a very sensitive subject and am honestly embarassed to do this under my regular name.
I received an email today from my Mother that had been sent to her by my oldest brother - we will call him G.
He is 9 years older than I am and my earliest memories are of him picking on me and beating me up and then molesting me starting when I was 7 years old. My parents found out and it stopped but it was never spoken of again. My brother had drug and alcohol problems and after a brief stint in the airforce where he was discharged honorably amazingly over an issue that involved an officer he continued his downward spiral. He was jailed at one point and homeless a couple times and when I was 16 he came home to live with us again. He started by exposing himself to me and I handled it without letting my parents know. I did not see him again for 20 years until my Grandfather's funeral 5 years ago. During those 20 years he had a short lived marriage, bounced between jobs and survived mostly due to my other brother (call him S) who is 5 years older than I am. He continues to have drug and alcohol problems. He lived the last few years on unemployment and the odd jobs that my other brother could throw his way, costing himself income he badly needed. Finally my SIL left my brother S over the problems that G caused in her home and in her marriage for the past 20 years.
So back to the email. My brother is going to be homeless again. He was trying to find a home for his cat that he has had for the past 10 years and then was going to try and get himself sober and straightened out with the assistance of the Veteran Administration. He wrote my mother to let her know that he was losing his apartment and this was what was happening. I called my mother and she was very distraught. My father refuses to bail my brother out again and honestly my father refuses to help any of his children in any way not just financially but emotionally as well. My mother has no independent income and even if she did she has a lifetime history of dramatics and focusing on her own needs.
Again due to my very painful relationship with G I maintain my distance but against my better judgement I am going to arrange to have his Kitty shipped to me and foster her until or if he ever gets on his feet again.
I feel however because even though it would be a financial strain to bail him out, my FI and I make good money and we could make it happen some how. The argument is that he needs to grow up and pull himself out of his problems and he is not my responsibility.
But I am so torn. Is offering to care for his cat and not try and save him utterly heartless. I have been praying all night on what is the right thing to do and feel so torn up on the inside. Even if I did not have the pain from my past with him I would question if I should make him do this on his own but now worry that I am being spiteful in not bailing him out. I am the only one of four children that have a relationship with our parents and I saw them as my burden. Do I have to be my brother's keeper too?
Wow, so sorry about all of this, personally I would not bail him out or provide emotional support given his history. I would probably offer to adopt the poor helpless kitty to prevent it from going to a shelter or being put to sleep, but I would have your mother tell him that she found someone anonymously willing to adopt the cat permanently so that you would not be required to have any future contact with your brother. I wouldn't want him to think that you were doing him any favors, nor would I want him to attempt to visit the cat or come back for it at a future date.
I'd adopt the cat and tell him to get F*ed. It isn't the cat's fault her owner is a tool shed. It isn't your responsibility to help him, but I can't see letting an innocent animal suffer. Sorry you're going through this <hugs>!!
wow. I would take in the cat - like @DaneLady said, it's not the cats fault. OR - make sure the cat goes to a shelter to be adopted and not left to roam the streets.
As far as your brother, I wouldn't lift a finger. My brother acts the same way - always getting bailed out of trouble, helped financially. He never changes and isn't grateful for the help. I've told my mom over and over again to stop helping him. He can't fix him self if someone is always there to do it for him. She is started to see this now, and is pulling back some.
We have to remember - they are adults and they need to figure out how to get themselves out of trouble. Now if this were the first time something bad had happened, and you had a good relationship with him, then yes - help out.
Another thing to think about is your FI. How does he feel about this??? I KNOW my husband would not want to help my brother - he's told me this!!!!
Don't do anything for him. He is using your family, he destroyed your brother's marriage, he molested and sexually harassed you. He doesn't deserve your help. If you reach out to help, you're just enabling his behavior. I completely and totally agree with your dad. This is his fault, he needs to grow up and take care of himself.
If you want to take the cat, fine. But DO NOT help in any other way and don't foster the cat. Adopt her and tell him to get stuffed. I will say it again, he does not deserve your help.
It sounds like your brother is a very troubled person and I am so sorry to read your story - after all that you have been through you come across as a very strong and "together" person and that is a credit to you. Personally, I feel that taking the cat might open up a channel of communication with your brother that you might find unwelcome given that he has been so abusive of you in the past, although you will no best how to manage this. While I understand that you feel that you should bail him out, I don't believe that this is your obligation. However, if you wanted to go this route, is there a third party who could oversee him getting back on his feet, or who the money could be entrusted to, so that you can ensure it is spent in the right way? As he has a history of substance abuse i would be wary of what he might do with the money if left to himself to manage it. If you do decide to help I think it is a very noble thing to do, but I urge you to find support for yourself and someone to support him, rather than having to be directly involved.
I think you should take the cat, mostly because I'm an animal lover and who knows what might happen to it otherwise. Other than that, keep your distance. Do not bail him out and do not contact him.
Also, I'm really sorry you had to go through those things when you were so young :(
No. Dont help. Enabling him is so much a part of the problem with drug users. Let him get it worked out. Hopefully he will find himself back on his feet.
And take the cat. Dear God. Dont let her go to Animal Control or the streets. Poor thing.
(I say this with a brother and SIL both who have been arrested over 10 times for drug and spousal abuse charges)
Take the cat - she cannot help herself.
Let your brother figure this one out himself - he is more than capable of helping himself.
I'm sorry you have to go through this and relive hurtful memories. I voted no. He's a grown man and needs to figure this out on his own. I strongly believe that you can only do so much for a person, but he's made his choices and needs to live up to them and find the motivation within himself to change.
Tough love. If you do this for him now, what's to say he won't take advantage of you and your husband -- jeopardizing your new family. I know he's your brother, but this isn't just about giving money and expecting it all be to alright. You are opening up the doors for him to potentially do what he did to your other brother's family to yours! Discuss all possible options and outcomes before you 1) bail him out 2) take in his cat.
It sounds harsh but you're opening yourself up for some hard times ahead. This isn't something to be taken lightly. Your own family (you & your husband) comes first! Know what you're getting into.
I think it's good that you are helping that cat. I would have done the same on the conditions that he signed a waiver that the cat was mine now and until a point in the future when he had a home and sufficient income to care for the animal, and that any communication would be done in writing, not via phone, or by proxy like through your mom. If he abused that, I would get a restraining order...cat or no cat.
We have had a situation with abuse in or family, not sexually, but physically and verbally and with drugs/alcohol. I finally said enough was enough when my therapist said, "Do you honestly believe it will change anything? Has this person given you any reason at all in the past to believe that helping X would be anything more than enabling him/her?"" And I said "No". That was it, and I feel so much better. And it turned out that X family member had not changed one bit, and continues to abuse those around him/her. I did not bail that person out, and I do not think that bailing out your brother is a good idea. I believe that will just open your life up to turmoil.
If someone has a history of that much abuse, it is your responsibility to protect yourself, and your new family (you and FI) before someone who has never protected or helped you, and frankly most likely will not do so even with your help. If he really wanted to change, it would have not gone this far at this point. It seems he is just continuing the pattern of abuse and trying to use those around him. On the same note, you cannot afford to lose yourself to someone else's destructive tendencies, and that is what happens with this type of person. I just tell myself every day that I can't be there for my family that loves me and care for me in manner that they need if I am mentally destroyed or hurt by abuse. My family was not supportive of me not bailing X out at first, but now that X has not changed, they say "How did you know?" and I say..."I'll know things are different when X apologizes and shows remorse. Then I will help." I need a meaningful apology with no strings attached. Until then, I'm not there to be someone's bank or punching bag.
I think I would send money to try to help him. I think you are your brother's keeper... No matter what. I understand that he's been a pretty rotten guy with a terrible history, but nothing will improve if he doesn't get help. That's for sure.
You are not responsible for his poor decisions and what sound like possible mental issues, and you should not bear the financial burden of them, blood relative or no. Blood is only so strong a bond; he's already shown you he has no regard for your safety and well-being, and while it's admirable that you're kind-hearted enough to still care about his, I would stay out of it. I would not bail him out under any circumstances. Hopefully in jail he will get the help and motivation he needs to rehabilitate.
Personally I wouldn't even take the cat because although I love animals, I know that the cat's presence, knowing where it came from, would fill me with resentment, and the kitty would deserve better than an owner who's made unhappy at the sight of it. I would do all I could to help it find a good forever home, I just couldn't take it in myself. But that's me. If you feel you can provide a good, unbiased and loving home for the cat, then adopt it, but I agree with PPs about not letting your brother know that you've taken it in.
I would take the cat and let him deal with his own demons. There are some people who need to hit rock bottom, get a reality check, and spend some time learning the repercussions of their actions. Believe me. You two don't have a good relationship (for good reasons), so why would you bail him out now? He won't learn anything from that. Let him sort it out on his own, but I agree with the PPs that the cat has no way of fending for itself or asking for help, so I would take her in and love her to pieces.
I agree with the hive. Foster that poor kitty, but the rest your brother needs to sort out on his own. I think he needs help that you cannot provide by just giving him money. He need to get some professional drug help and rehab, and I feel that 'bailing him out' is doing just that. . . . You are temporarily getting him out a hole in a huge ditch ridden field!! Good luck, and dont feel guilty
I agree that Nicoso said it perfectly. You are not your brother's keeper. He has been a toxic presence in your life. Maybe it's better to "adopt" the cat, to avoid any further contact with him. He's an adult, and he's responsible for his own actions. If you bail him out "once," he will expect you to do this repeatedly. You can't save him- he has to save himself.
Take the kitty! Your brother is not your responsibility, especially after how he's treated you.
@reebee: This exactly.
Adopt the cat (anonymously with your mother's help if at all possible, for the reasons reebee stated). But beyond that, do not help your brother in any way - emotionally or financially. I know it is hard, but you don't owe him anything, and given your history, you shouldn't put yourself in a position of being in contact with him.
Also, I am very sorry about the trauma you suffered because of your brother. 
And while I definitely understand you posting anonymously, please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. You never did anything wrong, and you didn't deserve the abuse. It says nothing about who YOU are, and no one would judge you.
@beeneedsadvice: I am so sorry to hear about this situation. It sounds so difficult, and I commend you for being such a caring person to even want to take care of his cat. I would not do anything at all for him if he had abused me in the past as he abused you. I feel that that is unforgiveable behavior. I also think that your brother needs to learn to help himself. If people are constantly bailing him out and helping him, then he's just going to become more and more dependent on others and continue to spiral downwards. I think taking on the cat is absolutely more than enough. Best of luck to you in this difficult situation.
@stillme: She is her brother's keeper, even though he molested her and has been nothing but toxic in her life?!
The bonds of family are very strong, but there are certain things that do not deserve forgiveness. I'd say molestation and other inappropriate sexual contact would be one of those things.
@beeneedsadvice: You are not responsible for your brother, and I really don't think anything you do could help him. Giving him money would be an especially poor decision if he has substance abuse problems. He needs to help himself. Help YOURSELF by staying away. Take the kitty and don't worry about anything else.
You can only help someone if they are willing to help themselves. Obviously your brother isn't willing to help himself. He has been depending on others to bail him out throughout the years. He will never get back on his feet and stay there if people continue to bail him out.
If you really want to take the cat I say go ahead, but if I were you I wouldn't. This will make you have a tie to your brother and if I were you I wouldn't want anything to do with him. But that's just me I am super stubborn. It's a very difficult situation because your borther is obviously "sick", but you can only do so much for a person and them abuse it before you have to say "enough is enough" and give up.
Please stay away from the entire situation. There is no way to help anonymously because of the family dynamics already in place. At some point in our life, we must take responsibility for ourself, and it is time your brother owns his. Your mother is already suffering as well as your brother S.
Once you take that kitty, you have made a connection that could cause you further grief. Please protect yourself.
Take the cat - poor thing has nothing to do with any of this but as far as your brother goes I would let him deal with his issues on his own. He got himself here and is the only one who can get himself out. Bailing him out will only enable him to continue this downward spiral. Good Luck and I'm sorry this is being put on you but it is in no way is he your responsibility.
I'm curious as to what your FI's thoughts are? My husband would never be able to be in the same room with someone who took advantage of me - like your brother did with you.
You are certainly not your brothers keeper.
I personally would take the Cat, but only to find it another permanent home. I know that is behaviour is not the cats fault, but having been molested myself, I would not be able to look after her long term, because I wwould constantly remind me of him.
However you may be in a different head space to that then me.
You do not owe him anything financially, or emotionally. And don't let his woes become your burden and influence your life and relationship.
I say adopt the cat (preferably anonymously) and never have anything to do with the guy again... I understand he's your brother, but he's been nothing but trouble and pain for you and your family. Let him get his life on track and help himself before trying to let him back into your life, it's not your responsibility. Good luck, and I am so sorry you had such a rough childhood because of your brother. :(
Please remember that you were a CHILD when this begin. Would you help someone who would do that to a child? I understand that he is your brother but he is dangerous and is a criminal, even if your family wasn't sure how to deal with it.
I suppose you could take the cat but I would KEEP the cat as well.
Hey Hive -
First of all let me say how my heart is full and my eyes are full of tears for the support that I have received this morning.
Because I posted this anonymously last night it had to be approved. While it posted this morning, I did not have the counsel of a wonderful sympathetic community leaving my FI and I to talk and pray and talk some more.
We talked about several things
First and foremost we were torn - my brother is sick and needs help and admits that he does but we know as is usually the case with addiction and mental illness that the help will not last long. I assumed he had no memory of the events of my childhood and while it meant so much pain for me for him it was just part of the cloud of sickness that he lives in.
Our wedding date is very fast approaching - how would we feel having a lavish wedding knowing that he was homeless yes due to his own actions but at an event so focused on family it would be there - the pink elephant in the middle of the room that no one mentions.
I am a victim of sexual abuse but I have taken pride in never letting it define my life - if I took that out of the equation and let God judge him not me what would my decision be
If I took his cat I could not cut off contact. His pet is his child and it would be a foster situation and even if I did cut off contact it would be a daily reminder of my brother. Right now we are almost 2000 miles apart and this would be inviting a piece of him into my home to take part in my daily life - how much salt would that be in my wounds
We prayed, we dropped it and we went to bed with the agreement that I would call my brother in the morning to ask him what would he do if I offered that help.
So this morning I called and offered. I would send enough money to get him over this bad time - one time deal and he was on his own. Keep your kitty, get on your feet and grow up. He accepted as I knew he would.
And then hive, we got in the car on the way to work and FI pulled out an envelope with a considerable amount of money that FI had been putting aside for spending money for our honeymoon. He said "send this" and I cried and cried and cried. I will replace that money (and add extra believe me) before our trip. I have spent my life alone, independent and abused - very strong from learning to survive in a family that did not provide the support and love that is normally accepted but gifted in faith and forgiveness but always alone. For the first time in my life I understood what it meant to be part of a family. To be part of a loving living breathing entity of support.
So I called G one more time to tell him what FI had done. And I do not know why but I asked him for the first time in my life do you remember what you did to me as a child. And he broke down and cried and said yes and said he had carried that with him his whole life. That he knows he destroyed me as a child. I let him know that while I had never forgotten I had forgiven, that I had not let it define who I was and that I loved him as my brother. I told him I hoped that the gift we were giving not only money but forgiveness would allow him to go on with his own life but that I had no expectations that it would. I let him know that if he really was sorry for what he had done that he would make a life for himself.
This has been probably the most emotional 20 hours of my life and the biggest demon that haunted me has been faced. I cannot tell you what it meant to have him say I did it, I destroyed your childhood. I have been in touch with my mother and she has acknowleged what I have been through and dealt with by myself and I am at peace.
And I am glad that is one less piece of baggage I have to bring into marriage to a man that has proved so much to me. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him knowing his character and his love and understanding. I truly maybe the luckiest woman in the world :)
Thanks all.
@Ms Bookworm: I know it doesn't make rational sense, and I completely understand why everyone else is saying the opposite, but, yeah, that's what I think (provided, of course, that her helping him doesn't put her in any danger).
I also think you should take the cat. There is no need for that cat to be abandoned, I'm a big animal lover. But as for your brother, definitely not your responsibility.
@unixfairy: Wow, this is amazing. I really think you and your FI did the right thing. You chose healing and forgiveness, and that's really hard.
This is such an awful, difficult situation you are in. I keep vacilating between advising you to leave his butt to fend for himself and advising you to do the "bigger" thing and bail him out. It's kind of a totally insuffience parallel, but I teach at a university and when students try to take advantage of me and get away with stuff or have serious probelms in the their lives they are wporking on and need special accomodation beyond what I'm required to give them (like a former studne who was trying to recover from a heroin addiction and kept slipping back in), I usally go ahead a make certain concessions, give them a gameplan to work their way back to success, and then watch as they self destruct anyway, but that way, I can never look back and say I could've helped that person if I had only done XYZ. So I do XYZ, and let them mess it up for themselves if that's the way it's going to be. I obviously don't invest an unreasonable amount of time and effort in extending help to them, but I make success possible. On the rare occassion the person actually does what they need to do to catch back up, it really feels good to have helped. So for me, it works out either way. Now, of course, none of these situations come with the emotional baggage in your case, but perhaps by extending some support, you can gain something as well. And if he fails again, at least you can never say it was your fault. I guess the big concern here would be whether you think he would skip out on the bail. If you're confident you will get the bail money back, I'd do it.
Or just abandon his butt...
See, still can't decide.
Best of luck to you and yours!
EDIT: just saw your update. I'm glad you found comfort and came to a decision.
Thanks all - I posted an update under my regular name (unixfairy) not my anonymous name. Honestly that was not my intent - it was an oops. I think it is the right thing to do though. Ms Bookworm already said it. I do not need to feel ashamed. Maybe that was a step on that new journey of healing and hope.
Thanks all!!
First of all I'm so sorry you are going thru this. The fact that you are praying and really worrying about not just the cat but your brother too, is amazing.
My oldest brother soudns like your brother. Mine has had drug problems since he was 16, in and out of jail, discharged from the army honorably (amazing feat). He was fully financially supported by my grandmother than my grand aunt. He has physically assaulted just about every single person in my family, all my brothers, my grand aunt (72 years old), he took a swing at my mother when she was pregant with me, and that got him tossed out of the house.
Hell would freeze over, pigs would fly before I helped my brother. I wouldn't, if I were you, get involved with him again. He's going to suck you and FI into the mess that he sucked your other brother into. He must be a master manipulator if he has you worrying about him after all the things he's done to you.
edit... I just read your post ... you are so strong and so very amazing!!
I have a soft spot for animals, so I would say that you should keep the cat and never speak to the brother again. It is not your fault that he continues to mess up, and you don't need to be the "fixer" all the time. I understand that you want to try to give him a second chance because he is your brother, and you think that maybe he'll be different this time. Look at the past and realize that he's never going to change. I wish that the answers would be easier for you, but just stay strong.
You need to stay far, far away from this very sick individual. I know he is your brother but there is a difference between taking care of family and getting kicked around.
If you bail him out you are saying "WHAT YOU DID IS OK TO ME, I WILL CONTINUE TO PAY FOR YOUR MISTAKES"
Did you ever get an apology? Did your parents ever apologize to you?
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