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You do not have to provide a meal/hospitality for OOT guests the night before the wedding.
Some people do, and it is a very nice gesture, but it is not required. It is very common/acceptable/appropriate for the RD to include only those who attend the rehearsal (ie. Bridal party & parents) as well as their dates/spouses.
You're right - it would certainly be rude for your parents to pay for their guests at the RD. It would imply that your IL's are not doing "enough" even though it is very appropriate to have an intimate RD.
Your parents/relatives do not need to host a separate dinner. If your cousin wants to organize some sort of GTG, that's fine - but you & your parents don't need to organize it.
I'd tell your parents to relax - you and your IL's want an intimate dinner. Maybe suggest OOT gift bags that include local restaurant suggestions?
emilie01 is correct; you are not obligated to feed out of town guests.
However, it polite to greet your OOTs the night of the rehersal dinner. You could have a cocktail hour (or 1 1/2) (at a different location from the RD) where you provide some appetizers and you can mingle with your guests for an hour or so. Then they can all get together, maybe stay for a while later or for dinner themselves. I would just pick a restaurant that has a nice sized bar or an additional room where you can do this. You can do a cash bar or just wine and beer (no need for hangovers the day of the wedding) for the hour you are there and provide them with the number for the restaurant and some other close places to make reservations to stay for dinner. Another place to hold this would be in a room at the hotel where either you or the guests are staying or where the wedding itself is.
If you rehersal isn't to early then you can do this beforehand and go on to the rehersal to keep some sepperation between the events. This will be less expensive and still provide guests with face time.
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I third that - you're not obligated to feed them. If it were maybe 10 people then I can understand asking for them to attened but the majority of a 300+ guest list is a bit much.
Leave them lists and ideas of neat places in the area to visit and eat at to help them find something fun to do that night, this way they won't feel like they have nothing to do. You're guests are all adults, I'm sure they can fend for themself.
I never go to out of town weddings expecting to be invited to a RD - family or not I'm not a part of the wedding party. And I don't think that at an OOT wedding I've actually been asked to attened a RD.
It will all work out.
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We are having a destination wedding and are not inviting all the OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner because it would be another wedding....I am going to suggest things for them to do on Friday night if they choose...
RD should only be for the bridal party/spouses and maybe thier kids. It's your guys moment to thank the people individually for being apart of your wedding. Sometimes it's the time you and your FI hand out lil gifts to the bridal party. It would be a little awkward to do that in front of guest that shouldn't be there in the first place.
Well, the thing is that your parents are not the hosts of the rehearsal dinner, so they can't really dictate to your FI's parents how to host it. That would be rude, and your FI's parents are hosting it in a perfectly appropriate manner.
The idea of a separate event for out of town guests is cool and I think it could work. But your parents should not leave the RD early to host this separate event - they should have someone else host it who will not be attending the RD (your cousin is a great idea if she won't be attending your RD). Your parents could head over to the separate event as soon as the RD is finished though, they just shouldn't duck out early.
I think ultimately, your parents just need to make peace with the fact that the RD is not their event to host, and they need to respect the traditions of your FI's family with regard to rehearsal dinners and let them do it their way. Your parents get to host the wedding the next day.
Thanks, smartl, if only my parents were rational people! I kid, but they are definitely trying to get their way with EVERYTHING. Luckily my mom seems to understand my concern about the whole RD thing, hopefully she'll be able to convince my dad that leaving early is not cool.
For my sister's wedding we did invite the out of towners to the RD - but that pumped the guest list up from a dozen to two dozen. And my sister and her husband paid for and hosted the RD themselves, so it was their decision. The idea of the RD, either way, is as a more intimate event than the wedding reception, so if your have a lot of out of town guests another event for them would be best.
We will probably invite some of our out of towners. Really nobody who is family, even though they drive far enough that they may spend either the night before or after the wedding - because they will all coordinate with each other and so we feel can take care of themselves. We do have a few random guests, some of whom will be attending as singles, who will travel cross country. So rather than leave them dining alone, we will invite them. However we have a really small bridal party. Even with our travelling guests, I think our RD guest list will be around 20. And we are paying/hosting ourselves.
Smartl and others are right - since your FILs are hosting, its up to them. You could request to include a few extra folks, but not dozens. And offering to pay for something that effectively hijacks their event doesn't make it better. If you can't convince your folks they don't have to hold what sounds like a before-the-wedding-reception (and they don't) then I think they need to turn over their hosting duties to an aunt and uncle or a couple of cousins, and plan it around the RD.
First thing - great name! =) haha, sorry I took the original username.
I can see how this is a big issue. In my case, my FI's parents are taking care of the rehearsal dinner, but they are including all relatives from both sides, and the bridal party + their spouses and significant others.
Since a lot of the suggestions so far are that your parents don't really need to host one, but they really want to... is it possible to move your rehearsal dinner to Thursday night? Not the ideal situation, but maybe your bridal party is in town already? or maybe they will be traveling in on Thursday afternoon? That way, your FI's parents can host the rehearsal dinner on Thursday, and your parents can host a dinner for the guests that they want to treat on Friday. and everyone's happy?
Good luck!!
Emilie - hee! Nice name 
Thanks for that advice, we did consider Thursday night, but that unfortunately inconveniences a lot of our bridal party (who also are from out of town). I'm just going to have to lay down the law with my parents - it's not their decision and they're going to have to live with it! And I know that my extended family will be understanding - and they'll probably be so excited to see all our relatives that they really won't care if my parents aren't there!
I think a lot of this is a cultural thing - we are Chinese, and honoring/respecting family is #1. My parents are also hosting a brunch on Sunday, so I'm hoping they'll give up on worrying about Friday!
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Actually Emilie's suggestion is a fantastic one. RD's two or three days before the wedding are becoming increasingly common!
I was also just going to say, if your dad is the one who wants to leave early, you could structure the RD events in such a way that it would be awkward for him to leave i.e. ask him to do a toast towards the end of the RD or something, or tell him it would just break your heart if he left before you'd had a chance to give him his gift as you were going to present all the parents with a gift at the end of the evening. I know that's a little bit of a guilt trip, but he's not being fair so maybe you could get him to stay that way without causing a fight.
Hey Emilie01 - too bad the Thursday idea won't work for you! I totally get the honor/respect family thing. I'm Chinese too, so my FI's parents definitely wanted to include all relatives in the RD, especially since we have relatives coming in from overseas.
Your first idea of having your parents pay for extra guests at the rehearsal dinner. You said that you and your FI thought his parents would be insulted by it. Maybe it might be worth a shot just to ask what they think about it? Who knows, they may think - the more the merrier. The guests don't have to know who's paying for the dinner, right? If only your FI is the one that wanted the smaller intimate dinner, maybe you could ask him to consider having a bigger dinner to accommodate his future in-laws? or find some other time (friday lunch?) to get together with just the bridal party.
I'm really pulling for you, because I know that if my parents really wanted to treat relatives, or host something, I would feel terrible if they didn't have the opportunity. Good luck!!
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What we are doing is having a smaller rehearsal dinner with bridal party/guests, immediate family only (which was supposed to be hosted by FI's family but that's another matter), and afterwards, my parents are hosting a wine and dessert reception for the out-of-towners. That way we get to see our extended family and friends who came in but also get to have the smaller rehearsal dinner. No one will have to leave the RD early, we'll just pop open a few bottles of wine and set out some cookies/cream puffs/whatever.
Thanks again, everyone, for the advice. Kleverkira, that's a great idea, and we might end up setting something like that up for after the rehearsal dinner. Emilie, yes, it's hard for my parents, I think, but the thing is that they have planned practically every other detail of this wedding. Truly, at this point, it's more their wedding than mine! This is the one contribution his parents are making and my fiance has fond memories of intimate rehearsal dinners at his siblings' weddings, and I feel like it's not my place (or my parents') to interfere with that. Also, they've booked a place that has a maximum capacity that won't fit my extended family. At this point, I feel like they've had their way with everything else, they can suck it up and see their relatives after the rehearsal dinner. Especially since there are other options out there for them. I know I'm being slightly immature about the whole thing, but...
We had this same problem. We have MANY oot guests, and it is custom for FIs family to just invite everybody. Welp, we are paying for it, so that aint happening. We just had to be firm with his mom, and set clear boundaries early. We really didn't want Wedding Part 1 (the rehearsal dinner) and Wedding Part 2 (the REAL DEAL!) We thought it might take away from the specialness of the actual day. FI's mom seems ok with it (now). For you, I think the 2 dinners is an OK solution, as long as it doesn't stress you out.
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So my fiance's parents are generously paying for the rehearsal dinner (my parents are paying for the rest of the wedding - very traditional), and in their family rehearsal dinners always include the bridal party and their spouses/children only. Well, my parents are NOT happy about this because they are "obligated" to feed all the out of town guests who arrive on Friday night (which is a majority of our 300+ guest list, and, by the way, mostly my extended family). Their first idea was to pay for those additional guests at the rehearsal dinner, but my FH and I thought that his parents would be pretty insulted by that. And my FH really wants it to be an intimate dinner. Then my parents had the idea of having a dinner for our out of town guests at the same time as the rehearsal dinner, with my cousin (who is practically my sister) hosting. Is it totally weird to have a separate dinner like this? It seems like the only good solution (in a situation where there are no good solutions!). By the way, my parent's other idea was to have a dinner for their relatives and then leave the rehearsal dinner early so they can host it, which would also insult my future in-laws...
Is anybody else having this problem? Does anybody have any other ideas on how to deal with this? Who knew that planning the rehearsal dinner would be this stressful? Thanks in advance!