Weddingbee boards

My fiance's Italian and I'm from Arizona. We currently live in Italy. We're both very family oriented and knew from the get-go that we'd want to share our wedding with as many of our (huge) family members and friends as possible. However we felt it would be asking far too much of our family/friends to travel 7000 miles one way or the other to attend our wedding, especially with the state of the economy. Additionally many of the relatives we'd really want to attend are elderly and a trip of that magnitude would make it next to impossible for them to come.

So here's what we've settled on, and what we're happy with. We're getting married in Arizona. Invites are going to American relatives and friends as well as his closest friends and family. My parents are paying for the wedding. A few weeks/month later we are having the marriage affirmed in his church in Itlay during a Sunday mass. After the mass his family is hosting a lunch reception. Invites for this will be "opposite" of the Arizona wedding, going to Italian relatives and friends, and only my closest friends and family. As we figure it right now, the invitees to both events will be roughly the same (around 125).

In addition to the lunch, his parents are also paying for flowers for the church, music for the lunch, and a photographer for the mass. And with the cost per head for a (massive 6 or 7 course) traditional wedding lunch in Italy around $130 USD/head, they're pretty much paying equivalent of a wedding.

That's a lot of backstory, but here's where I'm stuck- what to do about the Rehersal Dinner? It's an American tradition, so it's not something that my parents will be expected to do in Italy. Do our parents split the cost? Do we pay for it? Do we forego it?

My mom is ultra-traditional, and has her heart set on "doing it the right way". We've got a lot of family coming in from accross the US and she wants to include them in the rehearsal dinner. I'd love it too, but I just don't see how we can ask FI's parents to buck up more cash.

I've tried explaining how I feel to her, but her latest response was "well I'm paying for dinner for ___ people the next day", seeming to forget entierly what they're doing for us on this end. I really wish we could pay for it, but at this point, I'm waiting for my Italian work authorzation to come through (which could be tomorrow, could be a year), and we're already very stretched on FI's salary. If I get working soon, we might be able to swing it, but that's a big 'if' and a big 'might' based on variables I have no control over.

What are our alternatives? I was thinking of having a cocktail party a couple nights before with all the out-of-towners invited. Then we could do a really casual rehearsal the night before with just family and wedding party. I like this because if I'm working soon there's a chance we can pay for a casual dinner, and if I'm not the cost wouldn't be so insane that either parent would mind (a lot) picking up the tab.

Mom's still balking that this isn't traditional enough... anyone in a similar situation? Ideas anyone?!    

You're in a tough spot, but it sounds liek you've thought it through and handling it very well.  Kudos to you.

Yes, your mom is paying for the wedding in AZ, but his family is paying for the party in Italy.  It's a little ethnocentric of your mom to then expect for his family to stick to American tradition and pay for the rehearsal.

It sounds like you're doing everything pretty fairly down the middle, and both families are incurring big costs, and don't forget travel costs, too! 

Rather than do two separate events with a cocktail party, then a rehearsal dinner, why not just do one causual party after the rehearsal that will included the wedding party and all out-of-towners?  No one says that you HAVE to have a fancy rehearsal dinner.  People are just happy to be fed and be with you for your special day.

Gently, but firmly, continue to voice to your mom that traditions are great, but you are marrying someone who has different traditions.  He's joining your family, and you're joining his, so you'd rather not start the new journey by offending his family.  Best of luck!

Three great responses within such a short time, you girls rock!

SoCalGirl and brendalynn, your suggestions are fantastic. They'll definately be options, and I'm so glad you guys see what I'm saying! I'm all about making it a fun experience. Also thanks for your suggestions on how to speak to my mom about it- can I appoint you guys as official mediators for all future wedding battles?

beanchar- I've totally been thinking about the (icky) exchange rate working in our favor on this one, and if we are in a position to host it when the time comes, rock on for us!

I'm in Giulianova on the coast of Abruzzo, near the Marche border. It's a tiny resort town, and not a permanent situation for us. We'll hopefully end up more towards a city, either Ascoli Piceno or Teramo if we're staying in this area. You've got to tell me about Padova, I haven't been yet, but hope to make it up later this spring!

It is MUCH easier mediating from the outside.  You know that I could never reason with my own mother rationally that way!!!!

Brendalynn nailed it perfectly, the tradition of the groom's fam paying for the rehearsal is due to bride's fams paying for the wedding.  Since FI's fam is paying for a second party, it's logical to bend the rules a little!  Maybe that'll help your mom see the light.  Isn't is weird how tradition suddenly becomes SUCH a big deal during wedding planning?  Who knew?

I, too, am jealous of your Italy locale.  We visited Italy on our honeymo0n and I am in love with Capri & Sorrento.  GOOD LUCK and have fun, it'll be beautiful and wonderful.

Capri & Sorrento... sigh... two more places I've yet to visit! You girls will be excellent resources for us when FI and I get some time to do a little road-tripping!