(Closed) rehearsal dinner and the FIL

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Personally I think $1000 is pretty doable for 30 people. That’s about $33 for everybody’s dinner. If you want to do something nicer you might consider paying the extra out of your pocket. 

Post # 5
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

Well, to be honest, I don’t necessarily think it’s the job of the FIL to plan the rehearsal dinner. I think that today with wedding planning, there are no hard and fast rules about who is “supposed” to do what. Did your FILs say that they were going to be planning the rehearsal dinner? FI and I will probably be planning ours, even though his parents are paying for it.

I would sit down with them (and your FI) and ask what they were envisioning. If they say they want to have it at a nice restaurant with alcohol for everyone, gently explain that will cost much more than the $1,000 they have given you. If they have no vision for it (or are envisioning Golden Corral or something you completely don’t want to do) then you can either just deal with what you’ve been given and have it at a not so nice restaurant and not provide alcohol, OR if it’s vital to you to have it at a nice place with alcohol for everyone, then you and your FI should come up with the money to make up the difference. Your FILs don’t have to provide money for the rehearsal dinner – it’s something they’re being generous about. So, if you want more than what they’ve provided, my advice is to try to come up with it yourself.

Post # 6
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

DO you have a local gourmet pizza restaurant in your town? We were able to book a wood fired pizza place. We had 30 people as well and with beer, wine, pizza, salad and desert it came to $600 and that was with a 20% tip. It was fairly inexpensive because we just ordered 15 pizzas, 12 salads and 12 deserts and had it served family style. There was plenty left over and everyone was SO full and happy. Because it wasn’t a chain it was fancy enough to be impressive and we even got our own little room. Just a thought..

Post # 7
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Oh man, I feel you on this one. I actually had a discussion with FMIL tonight and she was talking about how she wasn’t romantic and didn’t understand spending all this money on just one day… ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm? She clearly has NO idea what my parents (and I, to an extent) are planning because it’s totally above and beyond a potluck. I’m really afraid she’s going to hate everything we do because it’s too “extravagant”

Post # 8
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think its awfully nice of them to offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner. My FIL’s also offered for ours, I’m going to have to plan because they live OOT and it would be unreasonable to have them do it. You might let your FI know this issue so that he can tell them what you guys are looking at with the budget they gave you. Have you considered the hotel where you’re doing your DW they might give you a deal if you’re doing your wedding there. 

Post # 11
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree with the other posters that your FILs offer to host the rehearsal dinner is kind. If it’s literally impossible to pull off a dinner for 30 with the budget they’ve given you, explain to them what the actual costs will be (they probably have no idea how much a sit down dinner with alcohol runs, and maybe they can contribute more if you bring them up to speed), or make your peace with covering the surplus yourself.

I know that you’re stressed about organizing the rehearsal dinner on top of wedding planning, but I actually think it’s refreshing that they’re leaving it up to you to do what you want. A lot of other Bees have the opposite complaint — their parents are dictating far too much. If, as you say, your FILs haven’t been to a wedding since the 70’s, do you really want them to be in charge of planning this dinner? Why not ask your FI or your BMs to help with this, so that you can be assured it will be done in a way and at a restaurant that’s pleasing to you?

Try to let the irritation go, be happy that they’re helping out financially, and try to get some help from your wedding party. I’m sure they’re happy to help.

Post # 12
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Do your FILs live in or very nearby to the city you’re getting married in? We’re doing our rehersal dinner as a backyard BBQ with a desserts table and a bonfire, as well as yard games and possibly dancing on the deck (we still have 8.5 months to plan it all out better). What about having it catered to their house (same idea, but you don’t have to cook the food!) or maybe rent a park pavilion or something? I know Qdoba and Noodles (both good and tasty resturants, although not fancy) could cater for 30 people SUPER cheap! more then enough left over for decorations and drinks!

Post # 14
Member
4385 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think your last post says it all, just be happy that you’re going to have a say in the rehearsal dinner and you won’t need to make any posts about how you’re upset with what your FIL’s are planning!! 🙂 Good luck finding a venue, I don’t know anything about that area so I can’t be much help there.

Post # 15
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with others that it is very nice for them to offer to pay for the RD.  However, I do not think that tradition states that they also have to PLAN the RD.  Maybe they are saying this because they think it would be easier for you and you can get exactly what you want.  I understand you are stressed that it is 1 more thing on an already really long to do list (I am planning our RD as well) but I think you may be overreacting being upset that they do not want to plan it.

If your parents are paying for the wedding, would you expect them to plan it all?  No of course not. 

I think if you maybe look at some restaurants maybe you can work to find something to work for you.  Go with a theme like Pizza, or Italian, or BBQ and find a restaurant that can serve you guys.

Post # 16
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Perhaps you can do a cookout at someone’s house or do something a little more low key and themed (i.e. a “build your own burger bar”).  Personally I think more informal rehearsal dinners are way more fun since the wedding day has so many formalities.  Everyone should be relaxing anyway!  I bet if you look around you can find something fun to do for $1000 or under, or if you really want it to be nicer, you should just chip in yourself.

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